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Miss my mum.

crys4mum
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Hi, 

i don’t really know what to write on here. 

I lost my mum in February. She had cancer for the past 7 years. She got admitted to a hospice then passed away 4 days later. 

I was with her the whole time she was in the hospice but I feel I was blind to the reason she was in there. She passed away in the half an hour that I took a nap beside her. Which I’ll forever be gutted about. 

I feel there is so much more I want to say to her, so many more hugs I want to give, kisses I want to feel. I feel so angry at myself for not sally fully appreciating she was near the end as I guess I never wanted to believe it as she would always say she was fighting it. 

4 days after she passed I discovered I was pregnant. I don’t know how I feel about this. I of course am happy but equally so incredibly sad that my mum never knew and will never meet them. 

It hits me sporadically throughout the days hen I realise I will never see her again or hear her or talk to her. 

I don’t know how to cope. Then I have my in-laws who seem to expect me to be ok in a few months time to go to a party of theirs. I couldn’t think of anything worse. A part of me feels resentment towards them that this happened to me and my family not theirs which makes me sound awful. But even seeing others with their mums I always feel why my mum not yours???? 

I feel I need more answers. I want to know her spirit lives on and that it can’t surely just be it when you die?? Otherwise what’s the point in life and memories?? I just don’t get it. 

This is all just my ramblings If feelings. Will it ever get easier? 

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    Hi. There are so many things about your post that resonate with me, I don’t know where to begin. My mum passed away in the night just over a year ago, completely unexpectedly from a haemorrhage as a complication of her cancer. If I’d had any idea there was a risk of this happening I’d have stayed with her instead of her dying alone in her bed. So I think it’s lovely you slept beside her while she passed away. I bet she waited for you to be there and she watched you in that peaceful state before she was ready to pass on.

    many congratulations about your pregnancy. I have a 6 year old who was very close to my mum and I’m gutted she won’t see her grow up. Just remember that your mum lives on in you and will do so in your child.

    does it get easier? Yes it does, you find things to comfort you (I have a memory box and I’ve also had signs that mum is still about -tv going on and off, a text message to her disconnected phone, my daughter telling me she felt a hand on her back, I could go on). Birthdays, Xmas, anniversaries are hard but it’s so important you remember the good times when she was happy and healthy, not the smaller part of her life when she was sick. 

    There are so many people on this page who will appreciate exactly what you’re going through. sending hugs

    xxx

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    Hi. All of what you said I can relate to. My mum passed last May, so I am now facing the first anniversary of her death. I find that sometimes I can be ok, and then other times (like now, with the 1 year coming up) I'm not great. It's horrible losing your mum. It really is. 

    I too couldn't really face her terminal illness. She too was a fighter, and I felt (probably quite naively) that she'd be one of the lucky ones, and that we had lot's of time left together. We only got 3 months from her diagnosis. 

    I couldn't be by her side when she passed. The doctor had told me she could go at any time and so on that last day, I tidied up her little area (she was in the hospital) - she loved things neat and tidy. I put all of the cards and personal items into bags (I didn't want strangers handling her personal things). I looked at her and I felt like she was on her own personal journey now. That it had nothing to do with me. That it was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do - letting go. I didn't get the feeling that she was at all capable of hearing me - she was on a steady stream of morphine. And, maybe selfishly, I couldn't handle the way the doctors and nurses were looking at me. With such pity. I didn't want to burst into tears. So I went home. She died that night. Apparently it's really common for loved ones to pass when we aren't there.

    But you have a baby on the way, and that truly is amazing. When all of my friends had kids, and my sister too - I noticed that when the children were very young they all resembled their grand parents. So they do live on in us. 

    I posted something about seeing signs a while back and had some great answers. I felt like there were signs, and I'm not at all religious. I smelled her favourite fruits, had unusual experiences involving huge flocks of birds right out my door etc. If you want to be open to seeing signs, don't feel embarassed. Most of us feel something, it's not always easy to put into words. 

    All the best. 

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