Cancer Research UK main site

I'm 21 and struggling with losing my mum to cancer

faith687
Offline

I was 17 when I lost my mother to lung cancer. I am now 21 and really struggling to cope with not having her around anymore. It is so difficult as I am trying to make her proud by going to university and doing everything that I had set out to do and most of the time, I cope ok and remember why I am doing it all. However, just recently, I am really struggling. I just want to call her and tell her everything that I am doing and be able to see her again but, I know this is not possible. I find it incredibly difficult as I don't know anyone my age who has gone through losing their mum so my friends don't know what to say to try to help me and I just sometimes feel like a burden on them. I was wondering if anyone has any advice about coping with losing my mum. And if anyone my age uses this forum so that, I could talk to someone who knows exactly how it feels to lose their mum.

 

Thinking of everybody on here as I know what it is like to see someone you love with cancer.

 

Jess xoxo

  • Hello, Jess.

    I'm sorry to hear that you're having troubles coping with your loss. Then again, as many here can tell you, grief is a very personal process and there is really no right or wrong way to go through it.

    Hopefully, you will be hearing from some of our members who have gone through the same experience as chatting to those who can relate does seem to help.

    Until then, I thought I may leave you with a link to a page from our website called Coping with grief, and I hope this can help you a bit.

    Stay strong, Jess.

    Best wishes,

    Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline

    Hi Jess, I'm really sorry to hear about your mum and how you are feeling. I just wanted to give you a reply as I am 24 years old and am in the same position as you, with not having anyone my age to talk to, who knows what I am going through. I lost my mum only 2 months ago so it's all still very fresh for me. She got her cancer diagnosis only in December and passed away in January. It was brutal, horrible, and the worst thing I have ever witnessed and gone through in my entire life. This year has been absolutely horrible, however I am going to university and trying to do what I know my mum would have wanted me to do, although many days it's hard as I just don't want to get out of bed at all. 

    I can definitely recognise the feeling of feeling like a burden towards your friends. It's so hard that no one around you can even comprehend how you are feeling. This is the case for me as well, and some days I just want to shut off and not talk to anyone, not even my boyfriend as he just doesn't understand. The only one I'd want to talk to is my mum, and it hurts so bad. 

    I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, although it feels incredibly lonely to be motherless in your twenties. Please don't stop talking to your friends about it although they can't understand, they will still listen and be there for you. Do you have any siblings you can talk to, perhaps your dad? I find it helps on hard days to vent to them although I know they got enough to deal with themselves. 

     

    I also find that writing all my feelings out in a diary is quite cathartic, or reading about other people going through the same. I also reccommend reading a book called The Dead Mom's Club by Katie Spencer. I'm not a big reader but this book definitely made me feel like I wasn't as alone, and is good to pick up on a bad day. 

     

    Let me know if you ever want to have a chat, some days I wish I had a support group full of girls who knows what I am going through! xx

  • Offline

    Hi Jess,

    Reading your post made me feel so inclined to talk to you. I lost my dad to cancer at age 23 and then I lost my mum to cancer at age 27. When I lost my dad I was able to cope much better because I had my mum with me, whom I was very close to. 

    Since losing my mum, I too have been struggling to live my life. So I can’t begin to imagine how you are feeling right now.

    All I know is that there are people here in his forum that may feel the same way you do and I hope you connect with them. It is really difficult to do normal things each day without thinking about our loved ones. I agree with the other posts that say greiving is a very personal process, I still don’t know if what I’m doing is helping me or not. 

    Anyway I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and I pray that it gets better for you as well as others dealing with this. I’m sure your mum would be so proud of you regardless.

    Take Care,

    JW

  • Offline in reply to JasmineWhite

    Hi JW,

     

    Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry for your loss and I am also thinking of you too. 

     

    It is so difficult to deal with everyday life sometimes but, I just live and try to make her proud. If you ever want to talk , message me on here. You are not alone either. 

     

    Jess xxx

  • Offline in reply to rose456

    Hi Rose,

    I am so so sorry about the loss of your mum. It happens all so fast and there’s nothing that anyone can say to make you feel better but, living your life how your mum would’ve wanted is a good start. I know the feeling of not wanting to move out of bed or do anything at all and shutting down. 

     

    Ill have to read that book. I am sure it would help me grieve much better. Thank you!

     

    yeah, it would be amazing to talk to someone who completely understands! Do you want to message me on here?

     

    jess xx

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.