Hi Taurus,

I am so sorry to hear this. That’s awful and there are no words. I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and I believe that your mum is watching over you now and looking out for you. I hope you can find some peace and comfort at this time. Don’t worry about imposing on your friends and others - that’s what they’re for.

Take care,

Amy

Hi,

This is my first time on this forum however after reading your post I had to message you.

My situation is very similar to yours: I'm 33 and on 18th February 2019 my beautiful mum, my best friend, died suddenly from stage 4 breat cancer. She was totally oblivious. She'd had back ache - the Doctor put it down to her pulling a muscle. She suffered a pulminorary embolism caused by the cancer in her lymph nodes. She was 61. I know exactly how you are feeling and I just want you to know that you're not alone.

I have a lovely husband and two beautiful daughters (my mum's grandbabies) so I'm trying to stay strong however, probably like you, I just want the world to swallow me up at the moment. I've never felt so vulnerable and scared. 

I have been very fortunate in my life to be blessed with very loving parents and parents that adore each other. Similar to you, they were together for 43 years therefore I'm very worried about my dad as I don't know how he is going to cope without my mum.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to offer any positive support at this time however I just want you to know that I know how you feel and I'll support/chat anytime you need to let off steam.

B x

I’m 36 and my 68-year-old mum died on 21 Feb 2019. We just had the funeral and I feel so much shock and disbelief. She was diagnosed Feb 2017, but because it took 2 years, I think I almost started to believe she wouldn’t die, even though I could see her gradually fading away. I also feel cheated as she was young and the best Nana ever to my 2 little boys. So many grandparents who don’t care or put in time like she did, even when she was really weak she still did things for them and loved seeing us. It’s such a pointless waste. People seem so insensitive too... like a friend put up a big gushing post on Facebook with photos about how much fun she was having with her mum, straight after my post announcing my mum’s death, and another friend decided to tell me all about her dad’s 80th birthday in the same conversation as me telling her that my mum had just died. I know everyone feels terrible when their mum dies but I do think she, and me, my dad etc were just too young. I hate when people say to me “oh my mum has cancer too” when they are at least the generation above me and their mum is like 90, and it makes me really angry because I’m sorry but it’s NOT the same. I feel like I now have to exchange visits with my mum for visits with my dad; he even used her iPad last night to FaceTime me which he never did before. But he doesn’t love me like she did and I feel all this hurt and anger and I can’t just replace our relationship with him. I don’t know where to put the love I felt for my mum. It’s like there’s nowhere for it to go. Sorry I’m not much help but I feel the same as you basically. Good luck coping with your grief. It is really hard. My mum believed in God; I wish I did.

Dear ladies, my heart breaks for your loss and terrible grief.  My Mum was also a wonderful friend as well as lovely Mum and because she was a widow we spent a lot of time together  shopping, having coffee, the usual, although she had myeloma she seemed fine but then she developed Dementia, so the last few years were dreadful and along the way the Mum I knew and loved died slowly and painfully and in the end had no clue who her daughter was anymore.  Your Mum's loved you the best they could and would have understood your loss, but they would also want you to live your life happily, even though they are not with you.  Trust me things will get a little better, you will remember the good times you all had and chat to your Dad's about them.  Silly things will make you smile again and you will get better at coping with it all, we are stronger than we realise in adversity.  Friends aren't deliberately insensitive, they are just living in their moment.  Come off Facebook for a while if it's upsetting you, my husband has incurable cancer yet one so called friend has never asked how he is, yet telephones us every time someone dies in our peer group, that's insensitive.  I put a lovely photo of my Mum smiling in my front room and I speak to her when I feel down, touch her smile and say out loud, I miss you Mum, it makes me feel calmer.  The black hole you are in at the moment will get brighter but not just yet, it's too soon.  So I'm sure a lot of people on this forum are sending love your way.  Don't get angry, it wears you out and achieves nothing.  Love to you all Carol 

Hi Taurus, 

I'm very sorry to hear your harrowing story and can relate to it only too well. I had been to New York for New Year with my partner last year, and she became veryu ill in January and was diagnosed with a very rare cancer at the start of February. She fought very bravely but died at the start of August. Feeling cheated is excatly what it feels like isn't it - short changed , ripped off , a huge sense of injustice, and disbelief-  which ever way you want to describe it. 

Everybody is different but for what its worth I did go back to work after a couple of weeks. It did help to have structure in the day and to keep busy. I think the mistake I made was not listening to my body and after about 8-10 weeks after Vanessa died I should have taken a break. I obviously wasn't in the mood for a holiday or anything but i should have just stayed at home and done some odd jobs and caught up on sleep. I got very run down so you must try and look after yourself- your mum would want you to I'm sure.

James

Thankyou Amy for taking time to respond. I can’t believe how much comfort I’ve found with this forum and being to relate to others. X

Hi Caroline00,

Thanks for responding. Yes I understand how you mean about the posts. I’ll be coming off Facebook this weekend so I don’t have to see all the happy posts and photos. I’m not miserable but it’s too soon and the first one. Wanted to do something with my dad and husband Sunday but don’t know what. A long walk is out of the question unfortunately. I understand too about being told about others being ill when they’re so much older. I kept being told about people being terminal which I didn’t understand my mom was. I am close to my dad it’s just a different bond and things me and mom loving doing my dad doesn’t, I.e coffee and gossiping and shopping and general girly things. X

Hi Carol,

Thankyou for messaging and I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, what everyone one on here is going through and been through. I’ve said to my dad that many times you never know what is going on behind closed doors in peoples lives. I’ve had some photos of my mom printed so I can dot them around the house. It’s reassuribg to here the black hole will get brighter. Can I ask how long it too you to get your smile back? X

Hi James,

I am so sorry to hear what happened to your partner. Yes I think I feel exactly the same way as you. It’s day one at work today so hopefully it goes well. Feeling very anxious at the moment but I know I need some structure back. The funeral is the week so I have a couple of days booked but 2 weeks off in 2 weeks. I’m hoping this will help to ease back in so to speak. Mentally I’ve not been at work this year so I need to get back into it. Physically almost a month. Didn’t sleep last night so I’m hoping tonight I will. Am trying to look after myself. I’m eating a lot, but mainly junk so that will be the next thing I have to look at but one thing at a time.

Can I ask how you feel now about things? What did you do as a distraction. Evenings and weekends are horrible. X