I lost my dad yesterday to this vile disease and I'm totally devastated. He was diagnosed with renal cancer 3.5 years ago. He had seemed to be getting more and more tired during the second half of last year. By November he had started to feel sick and wasnt eating much. His onc decided to give him a break from the medication and he was due to see him again in Feb. Fast forward to the end of January 2019 and he was sleeping most of the day and started to feel very weak. He was taken into hospital where they discovered he had sepsis and the cancer had spread to his stomach and bones. We were devastated as there was nothing they could do except palliative care. My dad was not totally aware of the severity of his condition and was desperate to come home. We bought him home 2 weeks later and my mum partner and I have been nursing him ever since. It has been exhausting round the clock care as he was very restless and was never comfortable although he was totally lucid right up until the end. Mercifully he was not in any pain although very nauseous and complained of acid and indigestion a lot. He needed the commode every hour and it took two of us to move him as his stomach was so swollen with fluid. The last couple of days his stool turned black and he complained that the room was dark although it wasnt. Yesterday he became extremely weak and started to loose control of his bowel. It was heartbreaking. The nurse came and gave him a sedative and some morphine she told us she thought he only had hours left. Within an hour he was gone. The three of us were with him at the end stroking his hair and telling him we loved him. Then his breathing changed and he was gone. The end was very peaceful and for that i am grateful but I cannot stop reliving the horror of those weeks we cared for him. I feel broken. I tried so hard to make him comfortable but during the last 3 days he would not rest for more than 10 mins at a time. I was so exhausted and i would get uptight with him. Now i really regret it I just hope he forgave me. And then there's the loss of dignity. He was a very proud man and sobbed when he had an accident. I just cant get any of this out of my head. He so wanted to live he was not ready to go at all which i think may account for some of the agitation and panic as well as the fact that he lasted as long as he did he even picked up a bit when he came home although we knew he would not get better. I miss him so much and cannot believe I'll never see or speak to him again. I cannot imagine life without him and I'm so scared. My poor mum is not coping well I dont know what she'll do living on her own without him. Sorry for the long post I need to get it off my chest and would love any words of support....
