Cancer Research UK main site

18y/o - daddy died yesterday

InexplainableFate
Offline

I would say I'm quite self aware of my feelings, and have a journal where I'll write about my feelings daily over a 30 day period for my future self to look back on. My first post on this website highlighted worries about my dad. Everyone, including the doctors didn't expect him to go so soon. His birthday was going to be on the 12th of this month. I have my A-Levels this year. Everything feels so surreal, I expect him to pop out of a bush in the garden telling me that everything will be alright because it was just a joke. I didn't go to school today, though I will be resuming on Monday.

 

Luckily, I already had counselling in place due to my mental health issues I've suffered from in the past, hence I have someone professional to talk to to help me get through this difficult time. How long, on average, does it take to accept the grief and live productively around it? I am not looking forward to the funeral. I am not looking forward to seeing my mum suffer. 

 

I hope I can still get into my first choice or insurance uni... but the odds are really stacked against me. I love him so much. When I arrived at the hospital he was already dead. I'm glad I didn't see him go. I kissed his cheeks, played with his squidgy cheeks, took two last pictures then embraced him and put my head on his chest. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I feel like I'm just venting. I'm so angry. In just over a month, my dad had gone from taking me to school and making me food, to barely being able to talk. How could the claws of death yank my dad away so soon. He was anxious the whole time apparently (I didn't see him much, it hurt too much. And I don't regret it) because he was so worried about mother and I - especially me. I have been talking to him.... I hope he's listening. 

 

No matter what, I want to continue and be strong... be a computer scientist and be happy with my boyfriend. Look after mother, travel the world etc. I just didn't expect to lose him so soon. He's an old relic, 80 years old. I expected to lose him sometime in my later 20's... this time is just too early for me. He was so confident in his health too. Everyone had plans!! I'm lost. I want him back, but no one will revive my daddy.

 

Does any other young person relate?? HOW WILL I GET THROUGH THIS.

  • Hello InexplainableFate,

    I just wanted to stop by and on behalf of everyone here at Cancer Chat, offer you our sincere condolences on the passing of your father.

    Hopefully you will be soon hearing from other people who are going through a similar experience as chatting with those who can relat does seem to help. Meanwhile, we have some information here about coping with grief and we hope it will help you to come to terms with your loss.

    Please come here to share your feelings whenever you feel it might be helpful.

    Best wishes,

    Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline

    Oh my ... life's not fare is it ... wer never ready to loose our mum's and dad's ... l hope he's up there somewhere looking down on you, and feeling really proud ... he'll live through you, you are half of him .. he will see through your eyes ... 

    I'm sorry I'm not young .. but was when l lost my parents and remember it well .. like you I remember every morning waking up and thinking someone would say it was only a dream ... we learn to live without them slowly .. but the missing them stays ..

    Sending you a vertual hug... one day at a time ... that's how l did it ... chrissie

  • Offline

    Hello InexplainableFate; Welcome.  It is always awful to lose a parent but as you say we expect to be older than 20 when this happens.  There is no speedy way of getting through grieving and everyone has their own way of doing this.  Some want to talk others don't; some cry copiously; others don't.  There is no right or wrong way; everyone copes in their own way and yes it is painful especially in the early days.    I note you are already getting counselling help.  You might also like to look at an online charity called Winston's Wish which is for young people who have lost a family member to a terminal illness.  Several people have posted their own stories here and - although I don't want to confuse this with the counselling you already receive - some of their stories may resonate with you.    We all learn sooner or later that there is no fairness in matters of health and loss; it is worse somehow when you are so young.  Best wishes.  Annie

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Thank you Chriss and Annieliz for your words. I will look up Winston's Wish more, I had a bit of a glance earlier. I will analyse how I grieve with a journal, I think it will be really beneficial to get my feelings out. I went with my mother and auntie into town today, I ate a meal at Nando's (my second favourite restaurant - yay!) which I managed to enjoy a little bit. I then did a bit of necessary shopping and got dragged around. On one hand I really wanted to just go home, but at the same time it felt beneficial to spend some time out of the house. 

    I feel happy that my daddy had such a profound impact on me, for me to be able to grieve for him deeply. We have had a complex relationship in the past, and whilst I was still close to him, I had a love-hate relationship. However in the past 5/6 months, he had really changed. It's a shame that we couldn't enjoy this new chapter in our relationship, but I am appreciative that he tried... I forgive him for his wrongdoing. I know he meant well. 

    It really doesn't feel fair at all, and I feel that I could spend months hung up on the unfairness of it, but I know it won't help. I will make sure I talk about this with my counsellor to ensure that it doesn't become a prominent issue. 

    Again, thanks for the support. I will be on a rough journey, but I want to make it out onto the other side. Not only for him, but for myself, my mother, and my boyfriend.

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.