My lovely husband died on 19th Jan of an aggressive small cell cancer of the prostate which had metastaticed 

He was diagnosed in Oct. last year,he had a colonoscopy, nephrostomy and bladder catheter, he was in hospital 6 weeks because a long term underlying medical condition was impeding his recovery from these procedures.During these 6 weeks ,and after,I was distraught ,coming home from visiting and howling with grief,Ihave never cried as much,I woke up every morning feeling a massive weight pressing down on my chest. I could barely function , every pain he had I was thinking that this was the end, I bumped my car twice (no injuries to anyone)because all I could think about was his illness ,which we both knew would claim him in the end.I lost 19 pounds in weight 

The point of my post is that I have come across something called Anticipatory grief,I think that that is what happened to me.and wondered if anyone else had experienced it

I hope this post does not sound as though I am being selfish,but I need to know why I grieved so much before he died ,but I can’t seem to cry. I am empty , just a shell without him,I miss him so much,we would have celebrated 40 years marriage this year.l just want him back.

I was prescribed a low dosage antidepressant in November and wonder if this has stopped me grieving as I perhaps should

Thank you in advance if any one can shine a light on the way I am