Struggling to cope with the loss of my dad

Back at the start of November, my dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour, at the time the doctors didn’t know exactly what it was, but after a few more scans and tests they realised it was glioblastoma, which we were told was incurable due to its position in my dad’s brain and very aggressive. Maybe it was me being naive, but I just brushed aside all the medical advice about just how serious his illness was. We brought him back home at the end of November and just tried to carry on as normal (or as normal as caring for a terminally ill family member could be). December was quite challenging as my dad’s personality became more demanding and forgetful, but we all just carried on as normal. Then mid- January came and it was like we had a different dad. The cancer affected his brain so dramatically that he was forgetting things/people, his already limited motor skills worsened to the stage he couldn’t even use his motorised wheelchair anymore, it felt like he was becoming a prisoner trapped in his own body. Me and my mom were constantly there to care for him, so watching him deteriorate so rapidly became harder to deal with. Start of February came round and we felt like maybe my dad would last another month or 2 (bearing in mind the doctors said that without treatment, 3 months is an average life span for someone with glioblastoma) so February was the 3rd month since diagnosis. We put him to bed on Thursday the 7th, and he sort of slipped in to a deep sleep, he wasn’t in a coma and he wasn’t unconscious, but he just couldn’t wake up. His last few days were unbearable to watch. He passed away at home with all of our family around him at 11:49pm on Monday the 11th February. It hasn’t even been a week yet, but I think now I know he’s gone forever, and there’s no more caring for him, no more district nurses or Hospice nurses coming round, it’s starting to settle in, and all of the events of the last 3 months and 9 days, from diagnosis to his death, has just hit me like a steam train. I’m trying to stay strong for my family, but in 3 months our entire lives have been turned upside down and ripped apart. I keep on thinking maybe if I knew the symptoms we could have caught the cancer sooner and he’d still be here today, but I know that inevitably we’d still be where we are now. I just keep having these moments where I’m fine one minute, laughing and remembering the good times, then the next I genuinely feel nothing. I don’t feel sad or angry or anything, just numb inside. I just don’t understand how I’ll ever get through this, he really was the best dad I could ever have wished for, and knowing I’ll never see him again is heartbreaking. Sorry that this was such a long post but I’ve just got so much on my mind I don’t even know where to begin and how to deal with my dad’s death

  • Hi there ..

    Well what an amazing son you are ... you couldn't have done more ... l had wonderfull parents too, and lost them both in my 30s ... mum from a sudden heart attack ... dad slowly to lung problems working all his life done the pits ...

    Grieving is different for everyone ... there's no right or wrong way .. it's just about getting through the day your in, as best you can ... the first year is what l call the raw year .. like a wound that won't heal .. but you need to be kind to yourself now ... give yourself permission to feel all those feelings your feeling... and go with them ... get them out ... it's all about balance ... get them out, then do what your dad would tell You to do ... you know what he'd say ...

    You'll never loose your dad .. look in the mirror ...he's right there... your half of him .. he'll live through your eyes ... do things he'd want you to do ... an old saying l love is  "don't cry because you loose someone ... smile because you were blessed to have had them in your life"  

    So many will never know the true love of a parent ... you did , I did ... we were blessed .. please don't try to be strong to others ... grief is about sharing .. tears...hugs ... and stories of that loved one ... when everyone tries to be strong .. it stays inside, and eats us up ... your dad was a victim of cancer ... cancer wants everyone involved to be a victim too .. don't let that happen to you ... but give yourself time .. one day at a time ... and I'm sure it helped you writting it down too ...

    Sending you a big vertual hug ... Chrissie xx

  • I know that every body grieves differently and that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, but part of me feels like it shouldn’t be as hard as it is, as weird as that sounds? I think until my dad’s funeral, it won’t fully set in and I’ll just keep expecting to walk in the front door and be greeted by “alright son, fancy making me a coffee?” I just miss him so much already and every day just seems to get a little bit harder. But thank you for replying, it’s nice to know that what I’m feeling isn’t an isolated situation

  • I lost my dad to bile duct cancer in the early hours of 6th of feb. He went in to hospital in 22nd December suffering from jaundice and was gone within 6 weeks (3 weeks after diagnosis) he died at home with his whole family around him. He worked up until the week before he was hospitalised, like you, I’m finding it hard to deal with the loss, he was the heart of our family. Sometimes I don’t know what I to feel...

  • I’m sorry to hear about your old man, I don’t know if it’s worse for people in situations like us where the cancer turns up and just absolutely devastates someone in such a short space of time, or whether that’s actually a blessing that they didn’t have to suffer for longer, but all I do know is that every day that passes is a nightmare but I’m starting to realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel and eventually I (and you too hopefully) will get there, never believed in forums until my dad became ill but I think talking about it with others who know what it’s like is genuinely the best way to handle the loss, I’ve been given some really good advice reading through other peoples posts

  • Hi this is first time I've ever used a forum.  I've googled glioblastoma  endlessly for months daily. A term I never heard about until this year. I could  of almost wrote what u posted. 

    I lost my dad within 4 months of been diagnosed. My dad and I'm not just saying it was a highly intelligent, smart, predictable man so I knew In my heart and soul when waiting on first scan that the results would not be good.this was in a&e and within the hour we were told it was a brain tumour which completely didnt bother him and sent me into another world. 

    He had surgery which majority wasnt operable and offered radiation and chemo .I knew then & there that there was no hope . When the results of surgery came back I didnt even know myself anymore knowing that that the only person I had left as family was going to go and so young . He wasnt aware of what was going on ..unless others constantly said it to him but he would of forgotten within hours. 

    It is the worst thing imaginable watching in front row seats someone who  you love so much been stripped away rapidly of everything they were in every sense. Their intelligence,dignity and character . Soul destroying. 

    Anyway I know all glioblastoma patients are different and I was so worried wondering what would happen .in my dads situation he progressed rapidly . Steroids had him happy and high for awhile then he became weak on one side ,walking frame to bedridden. He didnt talk too much .

    Last 2 weeks he slept mostly and on alot of drugs and unfortunately had seizures which resulted in meds to prevent anymore . The last few days he went into asleep and passed away peacefully.

    I'm devasted and miss him terrible and I know I should think of positives but most of the time I just think of the cruel horrible disease he had and what happened to him. 

    My heart goes out to anyone that is going through this it's an evil relentless disease. 

  • I'm sorry for your loss, I know just how hard it is for people in our situation, where over night your whole life changes and then you are given such a short space of time to get used to the fact that they won't be around for much longer. I'd had other family members get cancer before, and it was things that were able to treated with chemo and the like, and we were able to get upwards of 3 years with them, but what my dad had was absolutely horrible, as you said it really isn't that person anymore once the disease starts destroying them from the inside. Not only physically, but mentally too, like you my dad was incredibly smart and funny, and at first with the illness he still was, the same exact person just in a weak frail body, but towards the end the tumour had just destroyed him, and in a way I was glad he passed sooner rather than later, to end his suffering. I miss him every day and he's always in my thoughts, I just wish I could turn back time and stop it all happening 

  • Sorry to hear about your loss. It's heartbreaking, isn't it?? My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer with brain mets at the end of August 2019 and he died on Wednesday. It all happened so quickly and I'm absolutely devastated. Will it ever get any easier? Sending you big hugs

  • I'm sorry to hear about your dad, I know just how hard it is  to just have to watch the person who raised you, and who you respect and love the most, have no choice but to let this horrible disease take them. From what I've realised in the 9 months since my dad passed away is that everyone grieves differently, and therefore there is no right or wrong way to feel. Personally I don't think it does get easier, every single day I think about him, when I'm at work and it's not busy, so my brain isn't focused on something, it automatically thinks about memories I had with him, good and bad, things I did and didn't say, things I should and shouldn't have said, it really is a difficult process. With that being said, it doesn't get easier, but you do get stronger as a person, I personally feel like I'm a lot more motivated to do well in life now, to cut out the toxic people in my life, etc. Basically I want to make him proud of me, and live my life the best I can because I've seen first hand just how quickly it can all change. There are days when I'm angry, upset, not really living in the moment sort of thing, but then there are also days when I'm happy and really enjoying that particular day, which occasionally I do feel guilty for. I can't tell you how best to grieve, or what your particular journey will be like, at first just take it each day at a time. As I said, I don't think it gets easier, but you will get stronger. Please feel free to message back any time if you need to talk about anything, ive realised we're all in the same boat on this forum

  • Struggling to cope with loss of my dad after losing my mum and a sister in a car accident has been pstd stress il never recover

  • Hi barbied,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I just wanted to send a reply to say that the user you've replied to hasn't been active on the forum in a few years. You may still get a reply, but if not then do feel free to create your own new discussion on the forum to hopefully get replies from others.

    If you're struggling and need support, please have a look at Cruse, who offer various resources and a helpline for those experiencing grief.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator