You have been supporting others me included . Paul

Hi James, 

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. That sadly is the common ground we all share. I was having a very low weepy moment, so I came on here. Something I do when I'm having a wobbly and nine times out of ten it helps. I lost my beloved husband 17 weeks ago, on the 6th October. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in march and it took him in October. We had been together for 43 wonderful years. We had no children, we just had each other.

Some days I feel reasonably in control, not good but in control, then another like today I am falling apart. Nothing has changed from yesterday, but yesterday I coped and today I can't. What we are going through is so very difficult and very painful. As for what you can do to stop feeling like this, I don't think you can do anything, I certainly can't. I take one day at a time and just go with the flow. I am retired so I have not got to worry about working, but on the other hand I have no reason to go out either. People tell me we have to go through these bad times to heal, and that in time it gets a bit easier. I have to believe them otherwise I would go crazy. 

12 weeks before my John died, our beautiful horse, Reuben died, at the age of 31, so he was very old. But because he has gone too, I have even lost that part of my life. I have been attending a bereavement cafe, at the hospice but I am now waiting for one to one counselling. We can only try to get through each day the best we can. 

I can't really focus on going forward yet, but I have got another horse to love, which I will be getting in a couple of weeks. We were supposed to get him last year, but then John passed so it was put on hold untill I was ready, but John knew all about him so I feel I have his blessing. That puts a little bit of normality back in my life as I have owned a horse since the age of 19 and I'm now nearly 63. Pippy will be my 3rd horse.

Sorry this has turned into a bit of an essay but I think I just wanted to let you know that how you are feeling is exactly how you should be feeling. You are doing  all the right things, but this will take us time to deal with and come to terms with. The loneliness, the lost plans, the guilt, the longing for the only one in the world who will make it alright. It's all normal, but heart breaking. I really wish there was a quick fix, but there isn't. My only consolation, is that I would not have wanted my soulmate and best friend to be going through the pain I am having now. 

Take care and hang in there,

much love Heather. X

Hi heather i dont think axe to grinds on anymore i hope hes ok .but ime listening .i still have a weep but not so much now sorry about your horse that must have realy hurt your grieving for your horse as we i know a new horse will not take his place but we get used to loving someone and its so hard not to but i chat to liz at times that helps but this new horse sounds great something to look forward to thats it something to look forward to its a first step .i allways put something ahead of me each week because i have to at the moment you need to come and tell us how your new horse is and whats his or her quirks or if its iike rodeo at the begining . Ive ridden a cow when i was a lad he soon threw me off ime a country bumpkin so we did things like that ive ridden a camel a couple of times never a horse saw a young lady this morning on the the road how do you manage she looke so relaxed i dont fear much but i would be on a horse do you cope ok ? Paul

Hi Paulus, 

thank you for your kind words. I am really looking forward to getting my new horse. I know he won't in any way replace my darling John, or my lovely old horse Reuben,  but it will give me a reason to get up every day and leave my home. I'm hoping it will put a bit of routine and normality back in my life. 

You are a little ahead of me in this grief process thing, and I have read your posts and can tell you loved your Liz, like I loved my John. What I don't understand is why one day I can be reasonably in control, and the next day I can't even answer the phone. Did this or does this happen to you? Does it really get any better? I felt so sad when John was ill, and now it's just on going sadness. Some days I don't think I can carry on and I don't want to carry on. A lot of well meaning friends who have never been through this awful pain, say things like, are you ok now, you look happier. They have no idea. 

Then on the odd day I do feel better or even feel remotely happy, I feel guilty and I'm aware that I am not sharing it with the man I love most in the world. It feels never ending.

thanks again for replying it means a lot. Take care

love Heather. X

Hi heather yes i felt like you i wished i was dead i saw no reason to go on every minute of the day what i saw when liz died was indescribable and everything was going round and round in my head.i felt terrible guilt that i didnt do enough or couldnt keep her going when i woke up it hit me like a sledge hammer and on it went i kicked myself because i didnt realise liz could have a stroke i thought i had coverd everything i felt anxiaty couldnt do the simplest of things and lived on tea and cheese on toast .i found people who were there for me i never would have thought would .and family members i felt deserted me lizs daughter tried to blame me saying i took over but it was just to pass on her guilt for not visiting enough you name it yet i had litraly kept her going for a few extra years .well i had enough and we had a big argument the silly lass didnt realise i would have stuck by her for liz till the day i died so that didnt help but i would still help her if she got stuck for liz thoe not her .a month after that hit a massive oil spill from a lorry and crash my motorbike bringing  it home . But you know after a while i had to deal with a bill or somthing i had to do it was nothing but at the time it was like climbing everest with a broken leg .but when i did it i felt a little bit better one day i woke up and it didnt hit me staight away then as the months went by it stopped going round and round in my head a tiny bit and so on and so on then i bought another bike that gave me a litttle bit to look forward to they say time is a great healer and i know people hate that saying but you know its true in fact its tthe only healer at the moment your at the worst time a few months after the numbness wears off its is horrible but i feel much better now not great but not in agony thats why i tell people to hold on the pain dwindles and it does but it dosnt feel that way at the begining its a prosess we have to get through at the moment you will be emotionaly drained so you dont have the energy to fight all these things going on in your head that comes back slowly and i think hope your new horsey will realy help a bit of effection from an animal horse dog yoy name it realy helps allso i have a marvelouse chum i private message we borh help oneanother she has cancer and ime grieving and she is lovely .so hang on it does get better or we would all go mad .funny i would be scared stiff on a horse lol yet i can happily ride about on a big motorbike crash it and buy anothere but you keep going to bereavement couciling after afew months people try to chang tthe subject when you need to talk at bereavment counciling you get time to rant cry be angry and they dont try to steal your grief or change the subject . As to met liz in later life and we love onanothers souls but she was taken i have to except it and carry on she would not be happy if i was hurting and now u dont feel lonely because i feel her in me .l think your new horse will start your healing process thats what it is healing .paul

Hi Paul,

your words ring so true and I am going to trust you when you say it gets better. I think we all need that to hang on to, or else life really wouldn't be worth living

You say about you bike, well I'm terrified of them. I rode a little Honda 90 when I was younger, had a near miss and was having driving lessons a week later. And yet I have got on really crazy horses and thought nothing of it, I have fallen off or been thrown numerous times, and I just get back on. Horses are wonderful animals once you have built up a bond with them, but they have a mind of their own, and that will always make them a little unreliable. Having said that, my last horse Reuben 16:2 a very big lad, I trusted 100%. I was busy doing something one day and was horrified to see a 3 year child old wrap herself round his leg and he just stood there,  arched  his big neck and looked at her. He never moved a muscle. He was so gentle. I miss him so much too, as well as my John. 

I think you are right when you say he will be good for me. It will be a little part of my life that has gone back to some normality. I have owned a horse since I was 19 years old, with just a 4 month break, when my first horse died and I was looking for another one. I am now 63 so horses are just part of me, my John loved them too and used to help me look after them when he was well. He knew about Pippy my new one, soI know I have his blessing. 

Oh well I suppose I should try to sleep, but even that is haywire. I used to sleep 8 to 10 hours a night, now I'm lucky if I get 3 or 4.

take care Paul, and thank you for listening

much love Heather. X

Hi heather trus me it does get better sounds like reuben was a lovely horse isnt it funny how diffeent we all are . Makes life much more interesting .realy heather grief is an illness but we get better we are diffeent after things dont seem so important your new horse will be here for the better wether hpe its a nice summer but just not so hot i used to go outside do a bit and come back in again you should be able to have a few rides once he gets to know you i know every minutes a struggle for you and sleep dosnt come easy .my brother used to come over and we would go dor a walk i just wanted to get home but that few hours out in nature just made the house seem slihtly brighter and for a short time i didnt have everything going round and round in my head .now shes still there but i dont have that horrible empty lonliness thank goodness .ive not been out on the bike much i drove it back 130 mile when the gales were on took me six hours the lorrys were overtaking on the a1 when i got off i thought my legs belonged to some one else well they wouldnt walk when i asked them to the bike just like you horse its something to look forward to and its new no memories well not new but to me it is so look forward to thar new horsey it will help you heal .paul

Hi

I'm still here but have been off the forum for a little while. The grief became all too unbearable to be honest. My counsellor isn't really helping me and I'm probably not helping myself either. I'm stuck in a rut and can't seem to pull myself out of it. The being without my wife is overwhelming in so many ways, the anger, frustrations, sadness, and the fear of living a future that is not going to be how we'd dreamed it would be. I get torn to shreds at the thought of our kids growing up without their mum too. I've been told that it hurts so much because I loved so much, was it so wrong to do that? I feel like I'm being punished for something and still can't understand why a loving couple who absolutely adored each other can be so brutally torn apart like this. I never knew life could be so cruel.

James.

Hello there great you have managed to come back .i felt the same robbed ime being punished why didnt i do that every minit of the day it was all going round and round when i did wake up bang around and round it started again .there is absolutly no way you can work it out its a horrible lottery is cancer . Thing is james nothing i can say is going to make it better.you eventualy will do that yourself that how it works dont give up on that counciling i think i expalained that after so many months friends and family etc start to get back to some sort of normality but will have you may have it now people start to change the subect or allmost ignore when you mention your wife its not that there being unkind people think if they do it it will not bring it back but you still need to talk but who to .the counciling comes into its own then every week you get to chat rant or whatever but they dont change the subject or ignore what you say.so try and keep it up .i did i lost my love to i know that your life thinks its ended as i did it must be so hard on your kids loosing there poor mum and seeing dad so sad they pick up on it no mater how its hidden but the pain does dwindle at the moment your just emotionaly exhaused and till you get some of that energy back you just cant think straight . Every day i think of liz i put posts on to try and give people who are suffering to but not so far on what ive learned sometimes putting a post on to someone can flatten me to .your kids will help pull you through and you them so just try and hold on to the fact that it will get eisier and those lovelys kids are made of the same stuff of your wife and there mum .keep coming on and chatting it does help .at this time you only think it dosnt .paul

Hi Paul,

Thanks for the advice. 

You know, the daft thing is that there are some days when I can look at the bigger picture in a logical understanding way and realise that the particular cancer that my wife had it is just simply an aggressive disease that is pretty much uncontrollable and spreads with such ferocity that nothing can be done to stop it.  Those are the bare bones facts about it! 

But, then when you add the love, the personal attachment, the closeness and just the whole package of human feelings that a loving couple have in a relationship , what you are then left with is a bloody great emotional mess that makes no sense at all whatever way you look at it!  I can honestly say that the grief of losing my wife far outweighs the grief I experienced when she was ill.  I know that living with the illness was no life for her, but it was a life and we were still together as a married couple,  maybe it was selfish of me to have wanted to keep her here? I do know that she didn't want to lose her life because there was still so much to do in our lives, but I know that she was suffering so much that she couldn't go on.  The whole cancer thing is a complete head scrambler and has the power to break the strongest of us all both physically and mentally.  I wish I could just switch off those horrible thoughts!

James