Hello

I lost my lovely Mum last year 31st Jan 2018...Mum was diagnosed with stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer on the 2nd Jan and died on the 31st Jan, less than 4 weeks , so quick we had no time. Mum wanted to die at home so me and my sister cared for Mum, all we could do was make Mum comfortable and hold her hand, we had to watch Mum fade away, it was so painful and broke my heart.  Mum  was talking pretty much till the end but on 31st January Mum slept most of the day.  Mum had hospital bed in the living room and I slept on the sofa right next to Mum. I remeber saying to Mum...no night sitters tonight we are on our own.  I checked on Mum at 8pm and she was hot so I pulled back the bed linen.  I got back on the sofa and must have dosed off...I woke at 9.30 and Mum had left us.  I agonised for many months that I was not with mum in her final hour but 12 months later I think this was what Mum wanted....Take care

As I write this I have tears running down my face, I lost my mum yesterday evening...although  it was expected deep down I thought she would bounce back.  The selfish part of me wants her here now, but I know the pain has gone and she will be at peace.  I cannot image how you deal/cope with this....looking your best friend...the one person that knew me better than I did myself.....the emptiness and the numbness inside....

Losing my beautiful Ann  has been the most painful thing I have had to experience and it has taken me many months to accept Mum's gone.  I am lucky and have a great husband and close family. 

Hi Macbrock, I'm so very sorry for your loss, I'm selfish too then, my mum passed away 26th September and I miss her so much. Even if death is expected, nothing prepares you for the overwhelming grief. It will feel as though your world has ended but even though the words won't make a difference today, you will get to a stage of accepting what has happened....I'm not quite there yet but having counselling sessions to help; the strength and courage my mum showed, the beautiful person she was, will get me there.

It's clear how much your mum meant to you ; it's hard, just a day at a time is all you can do, I wish you well and hope that you have family and friends to support you or post again and people here will understand.

x

Thank you Denise, it upsets me as I’ve not had any signs from my mum, we were so close and not having them just makes my mind work overtime, is she still in pain, was her mum, dad and brother who have already passed not there to greet her when she went, was she angry we weren’t in the room with her etc etc

i just can’t bear it, I miss her so so so much, I have my hubby and son and of course my dad, but none of them compare to the relationship I had with my mum, I just cannot bear the thought of never seeing her again

i cry constantly and pain of missing her is such a physical one 

xxx

Macbrock, I am so sorry for you, I totally feel your pain, I am 3 months in and cry daily still, I take comfort from others who have been through this and how I still feel is “normal” I feel totally and utterly broken, life really hurts right now and I cannot imagine my life without my best friend. Always here for a chat and between us and the lovely people on this forum we can support each other xxx

Jenlou, I torture myself constantly about my mum going when we were only in the next room, for 2 weeks before I was with her day and night and so this destroys me. It all happened so quickly for you as it did for me, it’s too much isn’t it, my mum deteriorated too quickly and we didn’t have time to talk about how she felt and it’s something I think about all the time, was she scared, what was going through her mind when she couldn’t communicate any more.... it’s endless, so many questions, so many whys I miss her so so much, our chats, our laughs, our putting the world to rights..... no one else does any of that quote like your mum do they xx

VickyM  I can relate to everything you are saying.....I was so wrapped up with caring for Mum  and trying to make her comfortable that I did not comfort her spiritually.  I sat with her everyday and held her hand but we never had that chat about the end and how much we loved her...I also struggled that we did not say goodbye, but then I came to terms with this cos I knew Mum could not say goodbye cos then its real. It has taken me 12 months to stop re-counting everything in my mind, every little conversation played on my mind for months.  Mum was very practical and the one thing we did talk about was her arrangements for the funeral, we did also have some funny moments with Mum...think it was the morphine.  When I look back now I do not know how I got through.  I have surrounded myself with photos of mum smiling and I have done a memory box and written down lots of the good times we had.  It  has taken me a long timem to get to this stage.    I will always remember the day after Mum was diagnosed in hospital a male nurse came to help shower Mum and I heard her say to the male nurse  " I used to be bonnier than this you know!!!  She was so brave... Take care and keep in touch. xx

Jenlou, your message has given me so much comfort, I hope that I eventually move on from the questions and replaying of every little thing in my mind, many people keep telling me that my mum would be heartbroken to see me in such a state, and I know they are right but I also know our bond was so great that she would get why I feel like I do.  Shortly after she was diagnosed she was given 3 months, (I chose not to know at the point, she died less than 3 weeks later) but she was so brave, I think almost relieved to know what it was and hope that they can reduce the pain, she was looking forward to coming home and and quite matter of factly told me she had lots to sort out, I think we all thought we would have that time to “talk” over all those things, but she deteriorated quickly and the time never came, we would talk about her coming home and going out for a drive etc we did get her home, which I also question if it was the right thing as it was quite traumatic getting her into their bungalow and she was on so much pain relief I’m not sure she knew where she was, but it did mean all her family were there and could say their goodbyes, she was home less than 48 hrs when she passed. I still can’t quite believe it, I just miss her so much, every morning I open my eyes and it’s like being hit by a bus with the reality of it all

xx