I am so sorry Jodes for your loss, losing a parent, not sure you're prepared for it no matter even if expected, the most painful thing I have ever been through and continue to struggle to get my head around. My mum passed away 26th September and we all miss her so much.

I think it would have been a great comfort for your mum that you were both there and as you say no more pain or suffering. People will say that there is no right or wrong way to feel now or in the future, whatever you feel is normal. I like you had the feelings of guilt, still do and having my first counselling session next week for help. Reading your post, I can't see anything you have to be guilty about, not at all and you will be a great comfort for your grandparents at this sad and difficult time.

I felt angry at everyone, the world really....how could people go on with their lives when my mum had died, I wanted the world to stop turning. The only advice I can give is to take a day at a time and try not to worry about stages of grieving, it sounds an odd thing to say but you have to go with the flow and not try and make any sense of it; there are no timescales and for me, sometimes you think you're ok and it will just hit you and there's nothing you can do, I let the tears fall and my husband just holds me whilst I cry. I cried in the middle of a card shop when I saw Christmas cards for mum's and one's that just said 'dad'. 

It is a cliche but time does make a difference, not in terms getting over mum's death but trying to accept it and try and live my life in a way that would make mum proud.

I am further along in my journey than yourself, I hope you will be ok and friends and family can support you....keep posting, people on this forum will come along and understand what you're going through.

Take care

x

hey there..sorry to learn about your loss.i too have just lost my beauty of a mum to NSCLC on friday..iv had the strangest of feelins,and they change hourly..like u,im worried about the future without her!

everyone i speak to just tell me to be kind to myseld and take each day as its comes x

Hi Jodes. I'm so sorry you have lost your mum. I take my hat off to you for staying with your beloved mother right up to her last moment. Your mum was so lucky to have someone so incredibly kind in her life. It sounds you have already been through so much pain when she was still around, being sick, not eating and crying a lot. I think you have already started the grieving process. But as others say, there is no right or wrong way to grieve so please don't feel guilty about what you feel or don't feel. 

My father passed away Sept. 2017 and I had a very short grieving process. He had never been a part of my life, so actually, I was grieving the loss of someone that now I knew for sure I'd never have. 

My mother passed away May 2018 and it was the worst pain I have ever known. I too went through the anticipatory grief for the few weeks before she passed, and then cried almost every day for several months afterwards. I'm at a point now, 8 months later, where I realize that the pain will always be there. So I choose not to think about it all the time. It's a wound that is still very raw. I try to leave that wound alone a bit in the hopes that one day it might heal a bit. But I am not counting on it. 

Stay strong and keep doing what you are doing, as long as it's working for you. Take one day at a time, and try not to dwell too much on what is normal or not normal in terms of grieving. We are all different. 

I can hear the fear in your words and I so understand. My mum passed in March last year and I’d constantly get that fear of losing control. I found that counselling really helped be through. My counsellor was so calm and patient and just let me know that what I was feeling was normal (I was having panic attack’s and insomnia having found mum passed away in the morning) and sometimes I would cry so hard and feel so down (like on her birthday and over Xmas) I’d panic that I would never be able to pick myself up again for my work, my husband and my daughter to get on with life. But I did and you will. Just know that it will be a rollercoaster for some time but you’re stronger than you think.

xxx

Thank you all for your responses. This really is a place for comfort and support from those who know exactly what you're going through. Everyone else has great intentions and are really caring but many of them just haven't been in these shoes before. 

I'm still incredibly busy with arrangements ahead of the funeral a week tomorrow and today, me, my aunt and uncle started sorting through Mum's things including her clothes which was incredibly difficult. We donated many of them to charity but there were items I just couldn't part with. I would look at them and be like, Mum loved this one. And they smelt of her too - her perfume. Things like this really get me. 

I sit here in her house writing this. Her house comforts me, I don't feel uncomfortable being here. I don't feel sad. I feel like she's sitting here with me on the sofa. 

Another day without Mum, still a heavy heart. X

Going through the things is very difficult indeed. Seeing all the clothes and picturing them in them, is all very real. I had the big solo job of clearing out my mothers entire house. It was incredibly painful. Most of it was old and not in great condition. But I didn't have the heart to just throw everything away. I went through each and every item, washed and donated what I could. I think I needed to say good bye to each thing, as an extended part of saying good bye to her. And also because I just couldn't throw everything away or it would feel like I was throwing part of her out too. Seems silly, but it really was a hard process. Eight months later, and I am *still* cleaning and donating stuff, even though her house has been sold and empty for over a month! 

My mums house comforted me too, when there was still furniture in it. But once her beloved couch had been donated my heart broke a bit. I cried seeing her house empty because I couldn't feel her in there anymore. 

I hope your mothers funeral goes well. All the best.