Hi Jinty21,

Oh my goodness, I am so so very sorry. Thank goodness you have a lovely husband.

I really can't imagine how difficult life is for you at the moment.

Your lovely son would have had his own feelings, and i am sure he appreciated everything you did for him,and knew how much he was so dearly loved.

Unfortunately we can control other people's actions however hurtful they are.

I hope one day your daughter will come to her senses and realise how upsetting her behaviour has been.

In the meantime you and your husband have each other to lean on,and I am sure you will get a lot of support from people on here.

I am sending you a lot of love and hugs,wish I could do more to help you.

Do take care,and feel free to message anytime.

Xxx

Thank you so much for your kind words I really appreciate your reply. I know there is nothing anyone can say to help but it’s all bottling up and it’s feeling like I’m alone in this. My husband is trying very hard to put it in to perspective but the reality is he saying the words I want to hear but not the solution. 

I don’t know what the solution is but I very much resent how my daughter has behaved. All the searching on the internet leads to offering forgiveness. I just can’t find this in my heart. This is coming up to 6 months and I’ve heard nothing from her. At the funeral her actions were beyond anything I want to discuss. People on the outside keep telling me about family sticking together in times like this. I just can’t find the way back up at the moment. My husband also can’t find the words and he’s pretty upset too. 

We’re trying to mourn the loss of my son but my daughters behavour is something we’re not dealing with  she’s 37 and doesn’t have a relationship. 

There is no accounting for family sometimes.

I know that's hard,but it's so true.

I have family things that I wish were very different in my extended family. I will never understand, I find it difficult to deal with and extremely stressful,but no matter what,nothing will change it,maybe I want an ideal world,I don't think that exists.

Try and concentrate on mourning your son,or maybe more celebrating his life... You must be immensely proud of all your son achieved, how amazing, how wonderful.

I appreciate he was young,but you have SO very much to be proud of..

Sending you a lot of love,hugs and best wishes.

Keep me informed,but do look after yourselves,and post anytime.

Xx

Hi there ...

My heart goes out to you, loosing a child is the hardest , crulest pain we can go through ...

Now please forgive me, but my mum always taught me to look at both sides ... 

I'm just guessing but maybe she took a male friend to be there for support at a time when her heart must have been braking ... I think the love I have for my son's, is unconditional ... there's nothing they could say or do to stop me being there for both ... and my oldest son, always called my youngest son "the golden child" although like you I adored them both equally ...

I think the biggest gift a mum can give, is forgiveness ... you have a daughter, who I bet needs you as much as you need her ... life as we know can be cut short at any time .. please hold out your arms to her .. LISTEN as to why she took someone there .. we all talk, but rarely listen without interrupting . . What if she has children later .. you would get your wish of a grandchild ... 

We hold their hands for such a short time ... I can understand why my oldest thinks he's left out as he was always the one in trouble ... my youngest was always so good .. they have their own reasons for feeling like they do .. we can hold up a penny and one sees heads, and one sees tails ... but it's the same penny ..  if you can find it in your heart to move forward with your daughter, and let go of the hurt .. in years to come, you'll be pleased you held on to that little girl, you once held in your arms and feel that is the best feeling in the world ... she will always be your baby, if you let her ... you all lost someone irreplaceable ... and you must all be hurting so ..

Chrissie xx

Great advice Chriss x

Hi Monto

firstly may I say how very sorry I am for your devastating loss. You come across as one very proud mum. And no doubt your son knew just how proud you are of him and how much you loved him. 

Family dynamics are complex, more so when hit with a tragedy, in my experience it either pulls families together or pulls them apart.

when my husband died I came up against in-laws who could not handle their loss or the grief that came with it so instead they lashed out in anger, it’s far easier to hold onto anger and use it as a crutch rather than face the painful grieving process. The ones who felt most angry were the ones that did not have a good relationship with my husband, their anger was a result of guilt, although I doubt they recognised that.

there was no reasoning with his family and shortly after the funeral I had to cut all ties, I could not have my kids exposed to that level of negativity. Fast forward to now, the anniversary of his death was two days ago and for the first time I looked at his sisters Facebook page and saw his photograph had been posted with a comment of how heartbroken she and the rest of the family still are. I learned a couple of things from that post, the photograph of my husband was 30 yrs old, a unique moment in time when the whole family was together.  I also saw that they have not been able to move on with their lives, they have not come to terms with his death because they did not go through the grieving process and lastly I had not seen that picture before and didn’t realise just how much my son looks like his father at the same age and I felt pity for them as they will never know that and that they have missed out years of not knowing his children. 

Things wont change for me or them; it’s been too long with too much said and done that can’t be unsaid or undone. But there’s still a chance for you and yours. I hope you get something from what I have posted here.

take care x

Hi Magpiemagie,

It's very kind of you to contact me,but it isn't myself who has lost a son.

I replied to jinty21,if you would like to send it to her.

Xx

Thank you for taking the time to write. I haven’t written on a forum before. I don’t quite know what I expected but the lovely words written has brought comfort because I feel that my husband and I are alone in the storm. He’s very supportive but how many tears can he take. We need to live our lives too and I u derstand that. Just sometimes you need people who are not connected to share the thoughts and listen to other people’s thoughts. Thank you. 

Sorry to hear about your loss. Anger has no place at a time like this. Love and understanding is needed by the ton. What happens to people!  Guilt must be the culprit or is it the lack of a heart. Sorry to hear your story and shame on them that cause pain. Xx