Hi James,

life is cruel, and cancer destroys! It really does take away everything!! And yes your world is turned upside down! Everything will feel like a blur at the moment and just go with how your feeling! Don’t over think things!! It will make you that little stronger! They way I look at it, and say to my children is we have a permanent scab on our hearts that will fall off anytime!  and when they do, just go with it, scream, cry, shout, yes it will heal over and the next day your feel a little better but that scab will never go away! I hate it when people say oh your move on, what how can you move on!! My husband was taken away in the most cruelest way!! Like your wife, but we will learn to deal with it! Your learn to fake smile allot!! I don’t think anyone will ever understand unless they have been through it!! All I do know is that my husband was positive in everything and he said me and the kids had to live life! Cancer destroyed too much and I will not let it take away anything else!! 

Just remember your doing amazing, 

take care Amy x

Thanks for the advice Amy.

I've just burnt myself out looking after my wife, and seemingly didn't achieve what I set out to do, and that was to keep her alive! I guess we eventually lived our life on a knife edge and thought we could balance on it without falling off either side. The cancer and the chemo and her Dermatomysitis just destroyed her body. Its so frustrating watching a person's determined mind battle against a body which is seemingly destroying itself.

You must feel exactly the same as I do, but as its still early days for me I do feel ever so bitter what my wife went through. Many times have I vented my frustration at the so called 'him upstairs'

.Its just a horrible place to be right now.

James x

You definitely feel numb, you just function but it’s like your watching someone else go through it! If that makes sense, your there but your not! Yes the first weeks months I was soooo angry! And yes bitter!! You do everything you can to fight and when it’s over! It’s horrible so many thoughts went through my head! Did I do enough should I have done things different!!i also felt jealous that why did it happen to us and see other people happy!!  Mark my husband got ill very quickly at the end and yes the cancer caused him to die, but what killed him was a massive cyst in in his liver! Which they didn’t find and when they did it was to late as sepsis took over!! So one day talking and fine the next 4 days days he battled but just too much for his body!! So don’t feel bad about being bitter you have every right to!! I think you feel mentally and emotional drained because like me you were the one looking after juggling everything, I wouldn’t change it for the world but then when mark died I didn’t know what I should be doing!! I keep myself busy now all the time! It’s the way I keep going sink or swim and I chose to swim!! 

Keep going James you’ve  got through the worst thing what will ever happen to you in your life! Nothing will compare, your find out that your see things differently you will get stronger and turn harder! I hope that makes sense! 

Take care you got this 

Amy x

my husband passed away 11 weeks ago tomorrow from the same cancer that had spread to his lungs overtook his liver. He passed 12 weeks after diagnosis. We have two children 12 and 14 and it just feels like our whole life has been torn apart. I function each day for the children but I wake up then watch the hours go by until it time to go to sleep so I can have a break from the nightmare that is now our lives. I have cried every single day and can’t inagine a day where I won’t. Ppls lives go on around you and you kind of too but like a robot just doing what needs to be done to get through. I just feel so down constantly. It’s just so unreal I can’t get my head around any of it. Tony was 48 3 days before he passed and I’m 41. It’s so unfair that this has to happen to anyone at all. Such a vile disease. . I’m really struggling the last 2/3 weeks the days are harder to get through but somehow we do. I hope one day it’ll feel less painful but I can’t imagine how it ever will. 

Teresa Xx

Hi Teresa,

Im so sorry reading this, especially how quick you lost your husband! It really is awful and destroying! It will be the anniversary of Mark passing away in February!! And I think how the hell have a coped!! People say oh your amazing an inspiration!! I want to say no! I have 3 children and the world goes on and somehow we have to. I think for me, it was continuing to fight!! I have bad days and when they come! I go with it, I cry and cry think I can’t do this, I’m angry against the world, I feel quilty, then I think why have my kids daddy been taken away!! But the next day I get up and do feel better! You have to alllw yourselfs days like that! Let people know your having a bad day and *** yourself away! As tomorrow will be different!! No one will know what you are going through only you!!! Like I said to James you will eventually get that little stronger!! 

I’m the same age as you, also my kids! I also have a 6 year old little girl, and she has been the one especially getting us through Christmas!! She wanted her daddy’s picture at the table, he loved Christmas and I dug deep and did it for them and mark!! 

I’m not sure your ever get over he pain, it’s part of you now! So I’ve learnt to except it! Your ever go through anything as bad! 

Take care Amy xx

Hi Amyr 

thank you for your reply 

what a heartbreaking situation we find ourselves in I can’t imagine being nearly a year down the line like yourself but I know it’ll be here in no time at all. 

Im just dealing with one day at a time, school are being great with the children but it’s so tough for them. How are your children doing if you don’t mind me asking. I keep saying we have mostly bad days and some not so bad but soon we will be having more not so bad than the bad. I do hope that’s true xx 

Hi Teresa,

It is heartbreaking, and so cruel anyone has to go through this!! 

What you are saying to your kids is true, it’s going to be the hardest thing ever for them to go through! It’s what gets me the most! I think of them losing there daddy and it cuts me up!!! My kids have been amazing throughout! We were very honest and told them everything what was going on! They have there bad days and my oldest 14 boys says he misses his dad every day! And is very open I always say to him, you will forever and it’s *** that you have to go through this! My second oldest is a girl 12 she is very quiet she always has been! Doesn’t say to much and has only really broken down maybe twice! I would love to get into there Brains!! But I couldn’t be more prouder kids are definitely stronger than we give the credit for! As for my youngest she is 6 and just loves to talk about daddy and hearing stories she gets excited when we do stuff for him, not upset or quiet like the other two! The kids will definitely pull you through and let them decide when it’s the right time to talk if they want to! I keep marks memory alive, I also let them know if I’m having a bad day and let them see I’m upset! 

I don’t know how I’ve got through the last year! But I have I keep myself busy! Busy works for me!! 

Take care 

Amy xx