Hi,

Im so so sorry for your loss. I have no words that will make this any easier for you and can't imagine what you are going through at the moment, but know this, you did the very best you could caring for your dad before he passed. Your mom would be proud and yoyr dad would be grateful. 

I lost my dad a month ago today and also looked after him before he passed. I have cried a little, but no where near as much as I thought I would be grieving. It takes time - some longer than others  and this is perfectly normal.  There is no "normal" way to grieve so don't be too hard on yourself. Just know that you did an incredible job (L)

X

thank you for the reply 

im struggling with guilt also because i felt relieved that dad was out of pain because he was in pain near the end, he didnt like taking drugs and refused tablets so they fitted a driver but he still needed the nurses calling out to give him a shot ... he died during the night while a night nurse sitter was with him and im sad i wasnt with him but i dont think he would have gone with me there ... everything keeps swirling round in my head but i cant seem to shake this overwhelming sadness off 

Hello daddiesgirl; please do not beat yourself up over this; your dad went the way he wanted to go and when he wanted to go.  Nobody no matter how loving can sit and watch with their loved one 24/7 and the nurse would have made sure he passed peacefully and calmly.  I have read your previous post made a few months ago - and it is clear how loving and dedicated you have been.  As has already been said there is no set pattern for grieving and different people manage it in their own way.  I "talked" to my mum and dad after they died and still do sometimes; I have their photos in my living room.  Do whatever feels right for you.  I do hope you have some support somewhere as you have had a hard time.  You know you are always welcome here to talk about what you are experiencing.  Best wishes.  Annie

thank you again , 

i do chat to them both which i find comforting .. 

Ive been feeling the exact same. I was upset but also relieved as i knew how much pain he was in. This isnt something to feel guilty about - it shows how much you loved him.

We had night carers in for dad too - 5 nights before he passed and I feel guilty that I didnt stay with him those nights instead of them.

They do say that sometimes people go when no one they love is around so maybe this is something he thought would be easier for you (L)

The feeling probably wont go for a while. If you are anything like me there will be loads and ifs and buts and the overwhelming guilt but just try and remember that you did the best you possibly could by caring for him right till the very end and he wpuld be proud of you for that.

Xx

HI Daddiesgirl,

I am so sorry to hear that you have lost both of your parents to cancer in such a short space of time and I offer my sincere condolences.

I lost both of my parents to cancer as well as several relatives and close friends and, I have had it myself for the past 9 years. We all grieve in different ways and, we take a different amount of time to come to terms with our losses. You are perfectly normal in how you are dealing with your losses, but it does become easier when you can start to talk about them.

Do you have any other family or friends who you can unburden yourself to? You really do need someone who you can confide your innermost fears to. You will probably find that it will hit you like a ton of bricks one day and you will cry until you have no tears left. Don't try to be too brave. Crying is a great stress reliever.

Please don't chastise yourself for feeling relieved that you dad is no longer in pain. I felt the same with my mum. For some strange reason, we leave humans to suffer, but if this were an animal, we would put it out of its' misery.

Many people seem to find a slot to go quietly when nobody is around. My mum's room was on the ground floor. My brother and I had just walked to outside her window, to discuss how close she was to the end. When I looked in the window, she was gone. At that stage, I had been by her side for 3 days and nights and was very upset that I wasn't there at the end.

Like Annieliz, I keep some photos in my living room and find great solace in talking to these as I pass by. I am glad that you do the same.

Have you considered talking to a counsellor? Sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger about death than it is to a loved one. It might help you to be able to talk about your parents. Many cancer charities offer this service.

Please let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

I do hope that you can find some peace soon.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Oh my god. . You brave girl. . They would be so proud of you for your strength. . I'm so sorry to read this. . Bless you always xx

mum was a shock.. then dad went downhill .. i loved spending my days caring for him we had some giggles and some sad times but he was always making me laugh and i was always telling bossing him about we became a double act .. 

he was really suffering the day before he passed away and i held his hand and said dad why are you putting yourself through this, its ok to go .. he said go where i said to be with mum, i will be ok we all will be ok .. he smiled at me, then when someone came to take over from me, i said right dad im off you have been a pain in the butt today he smiled and said yeah and you have been a bossy ***** we giggled and i said love ya see ya bright and breezy in the morning .. 

then i got a phone call early am from his night nurse saying he had slipped away #gutted 

just wish i had one more day with him 

thank you 

im going to contact dads hospice carers and ask for counselling :)

Hi Daddiesgirl,

I am glad to hear that you are going to coontact the hospice to ask for counselling. Be prepared for a long wait, as there is a high demand for this service. There are many other routes you can try if the wait is too long. Many local cancer charities will run a counselling service. Your GP or your dad's hospital should be able to put you in touch with someone.

You have been though so much in the last few months. It's time to do something for yourself. I really hope that this helps.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx