Hello Wisteria and welcome to the forum.  I expect that you have been having a difficult Christmas and hope you have family who will support you.  I have read your post carefully; in one sense I fear to give my opinion as it is so personal and I don't know you.  I would only say from what you have written you did the right thing although it must have been so difficult for you.   I think that - regardless of what he had been told by the consultant - it might have distressed your husband if you had tried to say your goodbyes and that would not have helped your situation either.  I would think however that by word, look and deed your husband knew he was being cared for with so very much love which included not stating what he did not want to accept and in that sense you put your husband's comfort before your own.  That really is an act of love.   Forgive me - you did not ask for my opinion!  I am pleased that you have chosen to come and discuss this on this forum as  you must be going over the situation in your mind over and over again.  Annie

Dear Wisteria,

You have been through the worst of experiences and I think we all go over and over and over in our minds the things we could have done differently the words we should have said, unfortunately as I know you cannot change what has been.  I am sure that your beloved husband knew what you wanted to say and for some people that is how they want it to be, nothing voiced but the love inside that doesnt need words.   I hope somebody can voice this better than me and I send you love.  I miss my son with every fibre of my body and its nearly two years and nothing changes.xxx leslie

Annie thankyou for voicing your very welcome opinion,  my eldest daughter said something similar about it distressing him had we said our goodbyes in his last days.  He had asked me to tell everyone they weren’t to mention his illness when visiting but just treat him as they always had and have a laugh and joke no tiptoeing around him.  Consequently no goodbyes were said.

I want to believe that what we did saved him a lot of pain and distress but now I am wondering what he was really thinking in those last hours I spent holding his hands and listening to his old 60/70s cds I don’t even know what I said it was just trivial chitchat as he was slipping away.  

Hi,

We are all individuals and it seems to me that your husband coped with the overwhelming knowledge that he was dying unexpectedly in his own way with a laugh and a joke. 

Your presence at his side, listening to familiar CDs and talking about trivial things will have comforted him and helped him to cope with those final hours. I was privileged to have been with my Mum as she died from cancer and I know how much having her family around her at the end meant to her. 

We all imagine a dramatic departure like we've seen on the movies with fond farewells and memorable dialogue, but so many people slip away quietly and unremarkably. When my own end comes, if it is listening to music and holding my wife's hand, I'll happy with that :-) 

Best wishes

Dave 

Thank you Dave I appreciate your thoughts if I was a praying type I’d pray you are right.  We’ll  never know for sure but have to accept that we all did our best and hope our best was good enough.

Thank you Lesley I’m sure your son knew he was much loved.

Hi Wisteria, I have read your post,my husband passed away 5 months yesterday and we too never said goodbye! His was a sudden diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and passed away 2 weeks after being diagnosed. We didn’t have time to come to terms with it, we thought he may have had more time, not that I think we would have done anything any different. My husband was saying his goodbyes to the rest of family and friends but never to me. I felt I couldn’t because I know it’s not goodbye as he will always live on in my heart and memories and we will be together again one day. Love is a very strong bond and words don’t always have to be said, we were together 32 years and were very telepathic, I know he didn’t want to leave myself and our son but he had to,so much that he turned away from us when he took his last few breathes as he didn’t want to see us in so much pain.

what i’m trying to get at is don’t beat yourself up about what you both didn’t say, take comfort in knowing that he like my husband never wanted to leave you so Goodbye was not something he wanted to say! You will be together again one day and therefore Goodbye was not appropriate!

I hope I have made some sense and helped you understand, it has helped me even though everyday is a struggle without him by my side and Christmas was difficult, deep in my heart  we are and will always be together. ️ ️ ️ ️ ️ Take care. Xxxxxx

I am so pleased to have found this thread. My husband died 3 1/2 months ago just 6 weeks after being diagnosed. He too was very positive that we had more time up until the last day and I have been reliving the last 24 hours constantly, including the fact that he said goodbye to his sisters and his sons but not me. Your words have been a comfort to me - I know he did not want to leave me.

Christmas was difficult but today has really been the pits - I am struggling with going in to a new year. A time that he hasn't seen. 

Thank you again for your words 

xxxx

If you want a yap . O cant sleep any way . Thoughts with u. Im not a weirdo. Im a gritter taxi lorry and bus driver. And not functioning to good . Mum died aug . I know its hard. Im avail. Ok