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The feeling of guilt.

Cal21
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Hi Guys.

 

I lost my dad a few weeks ago now. He had cancer of the oesaphagus and it had metastasized to various parts of his body. Diagnosed in June so has all happened really quickly.

 

I was sort of expecting it to happen as he got really poorly really quick but thought we had till at least after christmas. I have cried myself to sleep on a few occasions and I find myself crying randomly during the day sometimes, but it still doesn't somehow seem real. Me and my siblings were there him when he died in my house so I know he's gone but theres this big part of me that almost seems like Im holding on to something that won't let me process and grieve properly. 

He moved into mine for the last few months and I took some tine off work to be there for him as much as I could, but I have this constant feeling of guilt ALL the time. There were times when I stayed downstairs while he slept upstairs and I just think.. why didnt I just stay up there with him more. Why didn't I move him downstairs sooner. Why did I get so upset and frustrated when he didn't have the energy to eat and drink.

Its been a long few months and I was preety much the only person doing most of the caring for him but I just don't feel Like I've done enough. 

I'm trying to put on this brave face. I've been trying to keep myself busy and distracted to blot out the pain but I know eventually its going to catch up with me.

Anyway, sorry its so long winded. I suppose I just needed to let it all out.

 

X

  • Offline in reply to kkkerry2

    Hi kkkerry2

    i know it’s been a few months since your post but I am just wondering has the pain become more manageable in time? Like you my mum died just 5 weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and even though it has been two months I am just so overwhelmed . I can’t see how my feelings will get easier to live with. I took time off work to mind her and physically did everything I could for her but like you I was trying so hard I kind of subconsciously missed what was actually happening . And now the guilt  is just so bad. I was always thinking of the next job to do, medication to give , problem to fix etc. I never once took a step back to see the bigger picture and just stop everything and sit down with my mum and chat properly. I always thought that time would come down the line when we would all have to accept what was happening but she went so quick in the end that chance never came. I have this sick feeling all the time that I did something wrong. I keep going over and over and over every moment of those weeks she was sick. That I shouldn’t have done /said this , that, if only I’d done this etc etc.And that is on top of missing the most wonderful person I have ever known. My world ended the day we found out that she had cancer and I just can’t see things getting better. Life is so cruel.

  • Offline in reply to April2019

     

    Hi April,

    I am so sorry to hear about your mum and how you feel now that she is no longer here.

    It certainly sounds as if you did nothing wrong. I.lost my Mum to cancer too and know how difficult it is to lay aside the care of your Mum in order to spend more quality time with her. We might all do things differently, if we knew what lay ahead of us in advance.

    Sadly not many of us can foretell the future. I have no doubt that your mum appreciated  both the emotional and physical care you lavished on her whilst she was too ill to care for herself.

    I am sure that.many people will have told you that your loss will get easier with time. I'm not so sure about that, but we do eventually learn to.accept our loss and how to.live with it.

    It is still too early for you to be able to reconcile yourself with her passing. Try to deal with life one day at a time just now and you will gradually come to terms with your loss.

    I am thinking of you and wishing you peace and acceptance. We are always here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Thanks Jolamine 

    Yes hopefully in time I can accept what has happened , at the moment sometimes I still think it’s all just a big mistake and she could come back. Thanks for your kind words . 

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