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Sad, angry, terrified, broken

N87
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 last year around this time I found out my amazing athletic dad who is my best friend my world my everything  has brain cancer with no cure and a very bad prognosis. My dad is a doctor and he’s super athletic and built into one day a week up to him not being able to walk or talk or really have any control over his body has been so shocking and so sad  that watching him just shreds my heart into so many pieces they can never be put back together on top of all that it’s the fear of knowing how long my dad will be here with me. I have always been extremely emotionally dependent to my dad  and he used to always say it’s not healthy because what are you gonna do when one day I’m not here I just never thought the day would happen. I’m 31 years old yes 31 I know I’m not a child but I just can’t  act like an adult I guess I have mental breakdowns where I just cry so loud it I can’t stop I get so angry I have so much anger and I have no control over them.  I just keep rethinking what the hell happened I was just talking to my dad and he was fine and then all the sudden oh my dad‘s caregiver and I’m watching him struggle with everything I don’t know how long he has here and it’s driving me crazy my relationship with my sister is completely destroyed  I tried talking to her a few times about it but she keeps her emotions to her self and when I cry and when I try to express my feelings she just shuts me down and that has caused major issues in our relationship and that even makes me sad because my dad has always wanted the two sisters to be best friends and beautiful did each others lives and that’s just not happening and he can see it    I just don’t know how to cook I don’t know how to control my anger it’s been a year and every single day I’m angry and I’m sad and I’m just so miserable I am so miserable I am so tired I need help.  The only person I used to talk to about my problems which were never big problems with my dad and I can’t cry to her because it’s not fair for him because I have to act normal and I have to pretend that I’m strong and that’s what I’ve been doing in front of my dad for a year  but I just want to tell him but I’m scared I want to tell him I don’t want to lose him But he is fighting he has already beat the odds he was given two weeks to live almost a year ago and he is still here but I’m still scared I don’t know if I can live without him I don’t know how to live without him has anyone ever felt this lost before

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    Hi N87

    I lost my mum to breast cancer 2 years ago so I know exacly how your feeling and I can assure you that it doen't matter what age you are everyone feels the same way when they loose some one whom they are that close to. It's very human to have trouble copeing at times. Is there anyone else you can talk to other than your sister? 

    things may seen bad right now but you can get through this.

    lizabc

  • Offline in reply to lizabc

    hi lizabc,

     

    thank you you for replying. I have my mom but she’s struggling too and sometimes I talk to her but not as much as I would like. She’s been with my dad for 4- years since she was 16 and she’s having a very hard time. I try to be strong for her too. I’m also married but I had to move out of state so I can take care of my dad and be with him. So last February I left my job, my home and husband to come be with dad. I’ve seen my husband a few times but he’s all the way on the other side of the country. We talk everyday but I’m afraid he might get sick of this. I’ve been crying to him on the phone for the past year. It’s hard on him too. Things are harder for me cause I’m in a state where I have no friends, my car, husband, other family members, I use to be a competitive athlete and I don’t have access to a studio where I can go train, I can’t work so I don’t really have much here to do and clear my head. I can easily go back home and start working and everything but I’m too scared to leave my dad. He needs help and I’m a nurse so who better to care for him than his own daughter. And I just feel like I’ll have the worse separation anxiety when I’m not with him. He’s almost done chemo which was palliative but he’s doing better than they thought. He was basically dead a few months ago. That’s another thing that’s tearing me apart. Is when do I get back to life?  After treatment? But his cancer is so rare and unstable I can’t make any decisions. Survival with his cancer is 2-4 months. He’s passed that. 12 months...  his mri showed 2 new tumors in his brain and spine but he’s doing better than what the mri shows and all these are making it harder for me to decide what to do. I have to work and start making money again. I miss my own husband and I’m mentally drained. It’s been abeen a year and I just can’t separate myself from my precious daddy. Idk if all these other issues are making things harder to cope with. 

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    hello again 

    I agree withthe lady above that it might help you to spread the load a little better. when my mum was ill my dad was her primary care giver me and my sister were both at university while she was ill but we would take turns in coming home and looking after her for a few days at a time so my dad didn't have to shoulder all the responsability. It seams as though your father is more severely disabled by his cancer than my mother was for most of her illness but a similar arangement could work for you too even if its just someone else looking after him for an hour or two so that you can take care of your self a little bit.

    As for keeping in touch with your husband you could try aranging a dinner date on skype or a similar survice. set the computer/phone up infront of you with your dinner and just having a chat and a catch up could help you both feel more normal.

    keep in touch 

    lizabc

     

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    My Daddy means a world to me so i know exactly how you feel. I lost my Mum four years ago to cancer and she fighted a lot, more than two years from not so good diagnosis. The best things which I have done: Spend as much time as possible with him, take him out, bring some small things from the forrest, like cones, nice small branches with moss or carve something for him, cook for him or bake him his favourite pancakes or anything he loves the most. Sometimes you don't have to speak, he knows how much you love him but if you really want him to know how much you love him, write a letter, draw a picture for him and attach your photos with him. I have recorded a cd with a couple of songs for my Mum. When she was dying, i put it on so she can hear my voice. Much love, Lea

  • Offline in reply to Silversand

    hi Lea 

    im so so sorry about your mom. It’s such a heartbreaking thing to go through. I don’t think the word heartbreak does justice. Did you ever feel guilty when your mom was sick? I feel so guilty. For being able to walk, cause he can’t. I say ok I need some time to clear my head and then I get sad cause then I tell myself well my dad can’t get away to clear his head so how is that fair. My dad use to be so active and it’s just so painful to see him in a wheelchair 

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