My dad died on 16th Nov & I'm still trying to come to terms with his death. Although he had terminal osophaegial cancer, his death was sudden. My difficulty is the fact he had a heart attack the day I was going on holiday & my family made the decision not to tell me. He died 3 days before I flew home and I know I would've cancelled my holiday if I had known he had a major heart attack. I feel robbed of that time with him, & although I believe that I wasnt meant to be there at the end, it doesnt take away this feeling of missing out on that final time. I'm struggling to remember his voice, what we said before I left - I always told him I loved him, but can't remember saying it that day,, and even his face. 

I  still can't believe that I won't see him again, and have been so busy making sure my mum is ok.

I have no regrets on things I should've done thankfully, as I did everything I could for my parents & am glad we had a lovely holiday this year when I arranged for his sister to surprise him by joining us. 

Dreading Christmas and just want this all to be over and not feel this way.