Hi Paulus, How are you?  I havent been on line or into a laptop in any shape or form for months. I developed all sorts of anxieties, and can really say I rode the heck out of the grief train. In the end, when councilling just wasn't for me, although I shant rule it completely out, I finally surrendered to taking anti-depressants. To just give myself a break from the inner anguish. the thought of summer arriving and the anniversaries, birthday, and all of the things approaching which I shared with Mum last year, the very thought sent me off my head. But now the tablets have kicked in, I'm crying less, and moving past the memories or thoughts of Mum, which keep me planted in grief. Ive had a bad day today, and maybe I should up them, I dont know yet. How are you though? How are things with you. ? I do hope you and Linda are okay,

Hi there eithere your a raging insomniac like me or you live abroud if the antidepressants work why suffer they just take the edge off the pain ive had them the lowest dose even the strongest of us need a bit of a leg up at times dont you think ? Dont worry about having bad days they do get less then you get a bad one and you come back i think we all know what your going through it absolutely sucks theres no emotional pain like . The tablets will just prop you up while your healing because that realy what your doing is healing like me we just have to go on .humans are pretty tough and with the exception of a few when it gets bad it brings us together hope you eating ok and getting out and about thats important i used to force myself to go for a walk in the park . Sorry the councilling didnt help its luck of the draw if you get a good or bad one . As to me ime not doing to bad but you know the funny thing is i dont feel lonely i just feel that liz is about somwhere just a feeling nothing you can put your finger on but its there and ime not imaging it either i i did beleive it before i lost liz .so i hope the antidepressants keep you sane and your getting some light at the end of your tunnel and thanks for asking how i am most kind just try and ride out the anxiaties there horrible but they will not harm you keep telling yourself ime ok and eventualy the part of your brain that causes it will beleive you .best wish paul

Hello, thank you for your reply and kind words.

I was thinking about you recently and wondered how you were. I'm so sorry to read you're having a bad day, it's so difficult sometimes, our mum's were there for many years of our lives and it's still a short time that has passed, how could we not still feel that sadness and what I can only describe as disbelief. My heart still misses a beat and it can literally stop you in your tracks when you realise mum's not here anymore, it breaks my heart.

It's a strange one with counselling, I 'm just about to have my last couple of sessions, did it help, not 100% sure really, I want answers and sometimes there are none, I have to learn to accept and live without my mum.

I was thinking about when people say rest in peace, my mum's quality of life was poor, expecially towards the last few months, I get fed up when I have back pain and my mum had blood cancer! I know the endless tablets, the loss of dignity with personal care, the extreme tiredness, the regular blood transfusions, alzheimers, that day she 'started speaking', she told my neice she wanted to go. I'm her daughter, half of mum, I know how she felt; I try and take some comfort that she is resting in peace. I have my faith, same as mum and I believe she's with God.....but that doesn't mean I wouldn't do anything to hold her and tell her just one more time how I love and miss her so very much, I know you will understand what I mean.

As Paulus says, if the antidepressants help- not a bad thing, maybe think about it as a temporary help, you're stronger than you think. The milestones are frightening and we had my mum's birthday recently, that was hard but we all got togther as a family and we spoke about mum and had a chuckle about some of the things in the past, we have to move forward but speaking about mum makes her feel a little closer but I admit brings also tears.

You're brave....never fancied driving in London, working for the most part in Bristol is enough traffic for me! 

There is no time frame on grief, I understand some of how you feel, our grief is individual.....thinking of you and very much hoping you will be ok....check in and let us know, otherwise we'll be worried about you! 

Take care

xx