God bless, Isabella xx

Hi  Deesusie. . Thank you for replying. . How are you doing?  I read all of the responses a day before melt down and Xmas. . I don't know how you coped but truly I felt just completely devastated leading up to and all over the Xmas period. . I'm truly sorry for your loss also and I hope you find as much comfort in understanding on this site as I have and am. . What's odd is that we both share the similar relationship with our mums.  We also  (Mum lost my brother in a car accident ) journeyed the same road. . Andy was 14 and so you know the absolute devastating change of dynamics and solidarity between your parents and you once something like that happens. . 13 years later my dad died in a car accident and although mum and dad by that time were remarried they were friends and mum pulled me through. . On both losses mum had me and I had her. When my dad was killed I kept telling myself it was Andys turn to have him and it helped in the mind blowing moments of despair. . And I told myself this the night mum passed. . Yet I still feel sick with grief and the world feels empty. . I thought I knew heartache and I'm grateful that my children are alive and well but I could not ever bare the thought of this so I didn't dare prepare for it. . My mum was my rock as I was hers through time and my best friend. . She was my children's other parent growing up and me and she shared everything. . I can't imagine a future where I'll ever feel complete again with joy or harmony. . I'm obsessed with after life documentarys and just sob.. If I'm honest I have had days where I don't want to live in a world without her. . But I don't want to die either because my 2 grown children need me as I needed mum. . Mum made it so much less painful in the way she dismantled her life. She moved in with me on diagnosis but its as if she knew that she wouldn't beat it. . My mind is constantly going over and over it and trying to work out how when my life is done I can make it easy for my family to bare. I don't want them feeling like this and I know my mum wouldn't want it. The last week's of mum we were traumatic with chemo and sepsis and it was the scariest times and yet I get flash backs of mum well and the times we shared and it feels like I've been kicked in the chest its so painful. . All of it is so painful.  I know exactly how you feel about keeping it together for your family as I am. . But it's such a relief at the end of the day to be alone and sob it out. . I'm so sorry about your brother passing and I wish I could say something like they are together now and let there be a comfort in that. . But the other part of me still wants them here. . And so I can't say that to you yet. . I pray for us all and our departed loved ones nightly .. For us to find peace of heart and our mums or loved ones to be okay somewhere in an afterlife without us. . God bless you xx

Dear Isabella.   I hope you're coping and now that Xmas is over you feel stronger. . God bless you x

Dear Starcatone .. 

Thank you so much for your reply and sharing your own journey. . I found Xmas thee most painful time yet. Everyone I spoke to who has been here said that Xmas day once arrived wasn't as bad BUT I thought it was worse. . I walked with my dogs today and one of them is mums dog who I adore. . But I wondered if I'd ever feel happy again or okay with life. This losing my mum has knocked the wind and life out of me. Your message moved me and I thank you. . Yet when you were here did you feel as lonley and exhausted from the missing your mum. . I so want to believe that I'll get use to the phone not ringing. . To not thinking of mum every waking  (and sleeping ) moment. . I don't want to see my friends. . Engage in conversation. . Or even be out side of my house. . The new year just means that' mum had cancer last year and died and the new year is a year to face further away from the life I once knew. I'm sorry I must sound like a negative nelly but it's the way I'm feeling. . And I see no light at the end of this tunnel. . I'm a fixer by nature and I couldn't fix it for mum and I can't fix her gone for my kids.   I know loss. But this loss I've never felt so hurt.   Thank you for being so kind xx

Omg I watched after life documentarys all the time and near death experiences looking for comfort I already believe but all the loss and heart ache tested my faith omg I can't believe how much we all share the same feelings, I wish I had talked more on this when dad died but I couldn't cope as well then, it's true though time is a great healer you just don't believe it at the time I'm functioning better now I have to for my sons and grandchildren and my health was suffering which made me realise other people need me xxx

Thank you I'm actually doing OK but glad Christmas is over god bless you too

Hi again kkkerry2, I was going to ask how you are but I know from your posts, sorry for your pain. I know what you mean about the New Year, I didn't want it to end, it was the last year mum was here and it doesn't feel right to move on.

I am trying to arrange some counselling as still struggling and not yet at the stage of accepting that mum isn't here. I 'speak' to mum by staring at her photo, my dad can't talk about her, he is trying to deal with it all in his own way and when I pray at night, I tell mum to go to dad in his dreams and take away his sadness. that sounds silly but it helps me. I keep clinging to the fact that my mum wanted to go and was ready, her quality of life was rubbish. How I wish I had appreciated the times we had together so much more, you think your mum will be here forever.

You're not a negative nelly, I feel the same. Have you thought about counselling? I will let you know if it helps. Sorry, I am not much help really but I do understand your sorrow and the hurt.

Take care,

x

Hi Kerry I’m ok sometimes Christmas was hard so so hard we saved a place at the top of the table for mum with her photo New Years was also so painful. I just still can’t believe she’s gone then it hits me like a steam train. I bought my girls and dad brother and myself some jewellery with mums ashes in for Christmas gifts I love them so much as do my kids so so precious. I hope you are bearing up it’s at night when I can’t sleep I am worse the kids keep me busy in the day. My husband turns 40 this year and my mum would have been 60 in July so more hard times. I’m trying to organise lots of holidays and nice things this year god we need some I will try to drag my dad along too he’s struggling. I really wish and hope their is an after life but I think if there was why wouldn’t mum send a sign or come to me in my dreams to make us all feel better. I’m unsure whether I need some sort of grief counselling I’ve never had anything like it before but I would do anything to try to feel a little better. With all this it just makes you think what’s the point in life when everyone dies and it destroys your family.. I guess it comes to us all but I just pray for good health for all of my family as cancer is a piece of *** xx

Hi Linda. . Thank you for checking in with your reply. . What helps here on this site is that I'm not alone with it. . And also seeing how others are coping. I hope councilling helps you. I attended my first session but as soon as I sat down I wanted to get up and run out.  When we got mum home and the palliative care team came in my head started swimming in shock that this was now our reality and my sister who is gently natured was acceptable and grateful for their help but I was although respectful I also resented them for being a part of our reality. And so I felt the same with the councillors. . Yesterday I thought why am I getting use to my phone not ringing I don't want to get use to any of it. . I'm no where near ready to accept it either Linda. . Even if the acceptance will make the pain less I just don't want to accept all the no mores.  Little memories keep jumping into my head triggered by the weather or the TV and I could choke in truth. It's good to hear from you. You're a huge support to others here and I'm positive your mum would be very proud of you. I think it's natural to look back on how we loved them and feel that none of it seems adequate enough. My kids tell me how much I showed my love to my mum and devoted myself to her but that's because she got sick I still think I should have done this I should have done that. Did I kiss her enough or cuddle her often enough. But when I go from this earth I'd hate for my kids to be tormented with thoughts of what they may not have done. What they do is enough and I hope I'm right in saying that our mums would say that they felt loved. They felt appreciated. . Lots of love Linda x

Hi DeeSusie. . 

Thank you for the reply. . And thank god Christmas is over and done with for all of us. . What you did with the gifts is lovely. .Mums ashes are here with my stepdads and they were surrounded by candles and flowers. . Even my friends sent flowers and my kids placed them there.  So it felt beautiful actual fact. . Susie one of the last things mum said to me was that she will send signs and I think she said it because I'm always looking for cosmic things and I promised if she did I'd know them. But I said they'd have to be more than feathers. . There has been many signs and even my daughter who is a journalist and sees only black and white has recognised stuff that can only be described as mums doing. It helps for a while but then I question everything.  On you tube I came across by chance Suzanne Giessmann  very early after mum passed.  I watched her channel called messages of hope and her story as to how she became a messenger and just felt reassured that she was the real deal. Bottom line is she guides you how to know the signs and when they're there what to look for . I sometimes think my mum's led me to watch this as everything I thought I believed in I absolutely forgot because of the grief and shock of losing mum. But when I want reassurance I switch it on.  If there is life after then it would be for all of us and I think sometimes what if mum is here and I'm so consumed in her missing that I'm not seeing it. For the moments that it helps it eases my head and then of course the life over as we all knew it and this being our new way of life has to be confronted. . What you're doing by planning a holiday is lovely and it gives you something to look forward to and not behind you.  I don't honestly know what I would have done if this had happened when my kids were younger. . I'm always aware of how worse it can be and is for others and I get it together in my mind. But sometimes the flash backs of mum and the simple ordinary things that have now become so precious and that will never be again hurt so much and that's where this site and you tube posting help me . I hope your doing okay xx