I'm seventeen and 6 months ago my mum passed away, she was diagnosed with lung cancer back in January, but in June she was admitted to hospital as she was found unresponsive and we learned that the cancer had spread to her brain, she held on for another two weeks until she passed on the 20th. Sometimes I remember I'll never see her again and I find it so hard. I often forget and want to tell her things, it's only a split second before I remember but it hurts so much. I feel so out of control knowing there is nothing I can do. I went into care when I was three as my mum was an alcoholic, I didn't see her much but we were still extremely close. I miss her phonecalls so much, I took them for granted and I have so many regrets now. When I sat next to her in hospital she squeezed my hand twice, I think it was her way of saying goodbye. It was the last time I saw her. I hate myself for not being there when she passed. I feel I have no one to talk to about it, and I often break down. I can't sleep at night. I feel I didn't do everything I could have done to show her how much I loved her and it kills me that I'll never get the chance to tell her. I get jealous when I see others with their mums or on the phone to them, I would give absolutely anything just to have one more phonecall, to hold her one last time. I feel guilty that I'm still living and I don't understand why I have the right to be here when my mum is not - she was a much better person than I am. It gets worse with time, I don't understand where it has gone. It is the longest I've ever been without talking to my mum. My nana died when I was 10 and my dad died when I was 15, those were not nearly as hard. I didn't have the best relationship with my dad, as his wife and other two children didn't like me. I spoke to him for the first time in 6-7 years just a week before he died, which to this day I still feel is more than a coincidence. I have two older brothers and an older sister who I love more than anything, but we don't talk much. They still have their dad, and I feel I don't have anyone. I can't put into words how much I love and miss my mum. Sorry for how long this post was xx
