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JUST MISSING MY HUSBAND SO MUCH

lockharta4
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My darling Husband passed away on 28th of July, and I still can't bear the pain of this loss, I have cried each and every day at some point since he died, my heart is broken as Ian was my whole life. 

We knew one another for over 35 years and were married for 25 years, during which time we were never apart, barring his time in hospital and I was fortunate that I was able to bring him home for the last few days of his life as he wanted. 

He died whilst we sat together, holding hands, listening to his 60's music and the last thing he said to me was "I love you Ali", closed his eyes and he was gone.  Something so special yet brings me such heart ache when I relive this moment. I know things could have been so different, not such a 'nice' memory and people do say how lovely to go in such a way, but they don't seem to understand it was still the end of our time together and the way it happened does not make it any 'nicer'  or easier to cope with

As I have read on other posts, being told to keep yourself busy, doesn't really help

I am trying so hard to cope and have wonderful friends who try their best to help me. I feel I sometimes put on a brave face in front of them to put their minds at rest in the hope they feel that I am coping well.

It can be the simplest of things that can set me off, a song on the radio, going out for a walk and bumping into someone who asks where Ian is and how he's keeping, seeing a couple walking hand in hand like Ian and I always did, even an advert on the tv which he used to comment on.

There are so many firsts to come which I am dreading.  I have had my birthday without him and despite my friends making the most of it to try and make it a good day, I still came home, shut the door behind me and was alone.

Today I received several Christmas Cards sent to us both, which has really got to me and I am dreading the New Year and cannot bear the thought of this year ending and life moving on to a new year.

I know there will be people worse off than myself and I should be grateful for the wonderful memories I have, but I just don't seem to be getting out of the grief as I thought I would.

I am trying to express me feelings in words it for the first time, trying to speak and express how I feel to people who know what it is like as they are going through the same pain, basically it's like grasping at straws in the hope that it gives some comfort to the people I am talking to and in turn will give me some comfort too.

 

  • Offline in reply to Dynamite

    So do I and I don't think I will ever feel better.

  • Offline in reply to janexxx

    Hi jane

    its 3 months now and I don't know how I got here .

    it's just all so hopeless, I don't feel like I belong anywhere .

    I had what I wanted and now it's gone .

    I don't want different . 

     

  • Offline in reply to Dynamite

    Same for me exactly.

    3 months.

    i just don't know what to do.

    I am broken 

  • Offline in reply to janexxx

    I totally understand x

    if you want to message privately to chat I am available

    anytime you need to offload 

  • Offline

    Hi, I have just come across your first post and i am now in the same situation.

    I lost my husband in June 2019, almost 7 months on and still cant believe it.

    We was married 36 years together since teenagers and i miss him so much. He was also called Ian, and only 57 when he died. It was a year from finding out to dying, its horrendous. 

    Just wondering how you are coping now you are alittle further down line, does it ease in anyway.

    take care

    Debbie 

  • Offline in reply to AlexMatthew

    Hi Debbie,

    I have been looking for posts in my desperation.Firstly can I say how sorry I am for you.  I lost my husband (also called Ian) in February and 5 months on I am still grief stricken.  He was 65 and we were together for 40 years.  He was diagnosed in July 2020, I suppose as it's a year on from such a sudden, shock diagnosis that is why I am going over and over everything again in my head.  

    Some days I feel ok and positive, others I am rock bottom again.  I don't even like to cry as it's so painful, but cry I do............

    I realise I will just have to change the way I live, but it is very hard as I also retired in July and we were looking forward to spending time together.  All I have is an empty void.  

    Take care, 

     

    Janey 

  • Offline in reply to JaneyL

    Hello, my gorgeous husband died 9 June following a terminal cancer diagnosis 24 March and then suffering 2 strokes, the last one mid April left him bed bound.  He was 60, always a healthy and proud man.  He wanted to come home and spent his final 5 weeks here and died while I was with him.  The weeks that followed were high activity with 2 funerals, one local to where we lived and the other his resting place x

    It's now 2 weeks and I cry every day, morning, noon, night and dread it coming on.  Am doing all the 'right' things like keeping social (but realise I'm nobody's priority any longer - constant changing arrangements and friends saying they can see me for a few hours) I see a counsellor but it's not helping, I just re-live the previous week's pain.

     

    My husband was so precious and I loved 'our' life.  I don't wan't it to be gone.  I know he is gone, I am single, but don't want this.  I was planning on giving up work - I'm 55, but have now come to this horrible realisation of more limited choices, and am planning to continue with it as it is the only bit of me I can claim back.

    I want to be with him here so much in our home, it's not fair having to adapt to and accept this new life neither of us asked for.

    But reading the posts realise I'm not strange or weird as we all feel this way x

    Just have to get on with it xx

  • Offline in reply to JaneyL

    Hi JaneyL

     

    im really sorry for your loss. Firstly, can I say you're doing amazingly. There are 2 choices when you lose a loved one: get up every day and carry on or don't. It's a lot harder to carry on. Everyone says time heals (and I could scream each time I hear it) but it doesn't as far as I'm concerned, I feel just as raw as I did nearly 3 years ago. You just learn to accept it but it doesn't get easier. And the thing that resonated with me was you saying you are nobody's priority any more and that's how I feel. I have lots of lovely friends and family but I'm alone. I'm missing that person I could do nothing with, feeling safe and happy just knowing he was there. All this might sound negative but it isn't it's just the cold hard facts. I really do feel for you and I'm sure you feel like your on automatic pilot at the minute, just going through the motions. I do hope things get a little easier for you. Let yourself go through the grief and go with how you feel on the day...if you don't feel like seeing anyone then don't. I've never experienced as many different emotions as I did when the grief was new, anger, resentment, loss. I couldn't bear to see couples together and still can't sometimes. Don't be hard on yourself, you're going through a terrible time but you are getting up and carrying on. You deserve a pat on the shoulder every day for that, its an amazing achievement. I'm in a much better place than I was 3 years ago but there are days when I desperately want my husband back. I hope this helps ️ ️ ️

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