My darling Husband passed away on 28th of July, and I still can't bear the pain of this loss, I have cried each and every day at some point since he died, my heart is broken as Ian was my whole life.
We knew one another for over 35 years and were married for 25 years, during which time we were never apart, barring his time in hospital and I was fortunate that I was able to bring him home for the last few days of his life as he wanted.
He died whilst we sat together, holding hands, listening to his 60's music and the last thing he said to me was "I love you Ali", closed his eyes and he was gone. Something so special yet brings me such heart ache when I relive this moment. I know things could have been so different, not such a 'nice' memory and people do say how lovely to go in such a way, but they don't seem to understand it was still the end of our time together and the way it happened does not make it any 'nicer' or easier to cope with
As I have read on other posts, being told to keep yourself busy, doesn't really help
I am trying so hard to cope and have wonderful friends who try their best to help me. I feel I sometimes put on a brave face in front of them to put their minds at rest in the hope they feel that I am coping well.
It can be the simplest of things that can set me off, a song on the radio, going out for a walk and bumping into someone who asks where Ian is and how he's keeping, seeing a couple walking hand in hand like Ian and I always did, even an advert on the tv which he used to comment on.
There are so many firsts to come which I am dreading. I have had my birthday without him and despite my friends making the most of it to try and make it a good day, I still came home, shut the door behind me and was alone.
Today I received several Christmas Cards sent to us both, which has really got to me and I am dreading the New Year and cannot bear the thought of this year ending and life moving on to a new year.
I know there will be people worse off than myself and I should be grateful for the wonderful memories I have, but I just don't seem to be getting out of the grief as I thought I would.
I am trying to express me feelings in words it for the first time, trying to speak and express how I feel to people who know what it is like as they are going through the same pain, basically it's like grasping at straws in the hope that it gives some comfort to the people I am talking to and in turn will give me some comfort too.
