Hi Ali

I just keep reading your post over and over again, from time to time as it resonates so much with what I am going through.

It has been 5 months since the death of my husband and like yourself, there have been so many 'firsts'.  What I can't get my head round and what I keep asking myself is how could it have happened from diagnosis to death in less than 3 weeks.  I still reel from the shock and suddeness of the whole sorry saga and keep playing over in my head asking if the clues were there but not picked up.

Like you, I shed a tear each day.   The door closes behind me and I am alone with memories for company and the thought of going through the rest of my life never to hear his voice or his laugh is just so painful.   Sadness has become a normal emotion as I have forgotten what it feels like to look forward to something whether it be a simple run in the car with a picnic or just enjoying a weekend together.

I really hope you, me and everybody else on this forum finds some sort of closure so that we can at the very least pick up our lives again and find some sort of normality.   It really is like living in a parallel universe where the sights and sounds are so familiar but with one huge difference; the love of our lives has gone forever.   

Take care Ali.   My thoughts are with you and with everybody else who is suffering.

Best wishes

Debi

Hello Debi

I have been reading your post and feel exactly the same as yourself

I still cry at the loss of my darling Ian.  Ian kept a diary and wrote it in every day until near the end and it was only the other day that I realised that this time last year was the period of time when he started to go downhill, the hormone treatment no longer keeping the Cancer at a slow rate.

It has all started to flood back, the start of the lovely weather and poor Ian stuck in Hospital, him then getting home and appearing to have picked up again, only to have ended back in hospital and only getting home for a few days and passing away. It just seems like yesterday

It is only recently that I have found out from our closest friend that Ian had confided in him that he felt different and within himself probably realied that things were changing for the worse and had asked him to make sure I would be okay when he was gone.  He had deliberately done things I found strange at the time like buying a smaller car and registering in my name, showing me what to do if the electrics in the fuse box flipped off if a light bulb blew, and other things which now make sense, even when he was going through everything his thoughts were all for me and looking out for me after he had gone.  What a truly wonderful man he was and I still miss him each and every day.

Next first is his birthday on 18th July, then his first anniversary on 28th July.

I know it sounds mad but I still talk to Ian, especially when I feel I need guidance about something and truly believe he does guide me still and helps me which does give me comfort of a kind.

Like you it is my sincere hope and heartfelt wish that everyone going through the loss of someone close to them gets some sort of relief and comfort from realising we are not alone and what we are going through is normal.  I know the pain I still feel at times will always be there and will never completely go away, but as someone said to me a couple of months ago when I was probably feeling sorry for myself, Ian will be watching and saying, "Ali get your butt in gear, pick yourself up and get on with it, you can't change what has happened," and do you know that is exactly what he would have said so I am trying so hard to do what he would have wanted some days one step forward and two steps back, but other days it can be one step forward

Sending you much love Debi

Hello Debi

I have been reading your post and feel exactly the same as yourself

I still cry at the loss of my darling Ian.  Ian kept a diary and wrote it in every day until near the end and it was only the other day that I realised that this time last year was the period of time when he started to go downhill, the hormone treatment no longer keeping the Cancer at a slow rate.

It has all started to flood back, the start of the lovely weather and poor Ian stuck in Hospital, him then getting home and appearing to have picked up again, only to have ended back in hospital and only getting home for a few days and passing away. It just seems like yesterday

It is only recently that I have found out from our closest friend that Ian had confided in him that he felt different and within himself probably realied that things were changing for the worse and had asked him to make sure I would be okay when he was gone.  He had deliberately done things I found strange at the time like buying a smaller car and registering in my name, showing me what to do if the electrics in the fuse box flipped off if a light bulb blew, and other things which now make sense, even when he was going through everything his thoughts were all for me and looking out for me after he had gone.  What a truly wonderful man he was and I still miss him each and every day.

Next first is his birthday on 18th July, then his first anniversary on 28th July.

I know it sounds mad but I still talk to Ian, especially when I feel I need guidance about something and truly believe he does guide me still and helps me which does give me comfort of a kind.

Like you it is my sincere hope and heartfelt wish that everyone going through the loss of someone close to them gets some sort of relief and comfort from realising we are not alone and what we are going through is normal.  I know the pain I still feel at times will always be there and will never completely go away, but as someone said to me a couple of months ago when I was probably feeling sorry for myself, Ian will be watching and saying, "Ali get your butt in gear, pick yourself up and get on with it, you can't change what has happened," and do you know that is exactly what he would have said so I am trying so hard to do what he would have wanted some days one step forward and two steps back, but other days it can be one step forward

Sending you much love Debi