Thank you for your reply and kind words. Just getting by hour by hour and this helped get me through another.

Hi,

I do understand how you feel, having lost a total of twelve family members to cancer,Inculding both my mother (Breast cancer) and father (Prostate cancer). People say time is a great healer but its more a question of the fact gradually we learn to live with our loss. I lost my mother over twelve years ago and I still miss her.

I know its small conselation but whenever I get to feeling sad, I tell myself she helped shape the person I am today for there is a part of her that lives on through me. My father lived in Canada so I never really got to know him that well as we only met for a month when we went out to visit him. But we are so alike, despite this our likes dislikes are almost the same. This pleases me as I tell myself I have inherited the best of both of them.

This time of the year is always a sad time for me as my mother was in hospital over Christmas and was very ill and died just a short time later.

Sending you kind thoughts and please keep in touch for it helps to talk, Brian

You're welcome. Do you believe in the spiritual world? I'd do, & I'm looking for signs for my beloved to let me know he's ok and he's looking out for us, maybe you can do the same for your dad.

My husband had a tattoo of a swallow on his forearm and we took a photo of it. When we're all ready we're going to have the same image tattooed onto us as a remembrance of him. Did your dad have any tattoos?

Also,  I have put one of my husband's t-shirts as a pillow cover, and that helps me as I can still smell his scent and I feel close to him as I go to sleep, maybe you can do the same? It might help you?

Hi, I’m so sorry that you lost your dad. I lost my dad too in a similar way- he had bowel cancer but being the sort of man he was (didn’t like a fuss, got on with things), he kept it to himself. By the time he was admitted to hospital he was End stage and died less than two weeks later- he had great big lesions on his liver where the cancer had spread- the Doctors were in awe of how he could have coped with this sort of pain and not said anything to anyone. Before cancer, he was fit, strong , tall and handsome. When me and my brother walked into the hospital the first time to see him, we walked straight past his bay- as what was lying there was a collapsed old man. My dad died some 7 years ago, I light candles on his birthday, at Christmas, and his passing. Six weeks after losing my dad, I found out I was pregnant- very unexpectedly. My daughter is the image of him, plus for a small child she is such a wise old soul. When she was 3/4, she used to stroke his photography and say she “knew him from the stars”. Such a strange wording for a little girl. I alway look for spiritual connections, robins, butterflies or white feathers when you least expect them. A read a book around a year after his passing and it’s helped me cope with my grief. It’s called “The afterlife of Billy Fingers by Ann Cagan. It’s not religious but helped me see that perhaps we all have that knowledge inside us, that belief that our loved ones are not gone forever and that our time on this earth is so short. I’ve learned to care less about material things and more about the people I love. I hate less and the people that hurt me, I just let it pass. Sending you positive thoughts, Lx 

I might look for the book you read. I also look for signs, lights flickering unexpectedly, items being moved, birds, feathers, stones, anything really that I'd think would be a sign. 

I like the story about your daughter, maybe she was visited by her grandad which is a very nice thought.  My youngest grandson is 3 and yesterday he said he was talking to grandad and my daughter asked where was grandad now and he replied 'At Home' When my daughter told me I burst into tears and thanked my darling husband for visiting us.

Take Care xxxxxx

Thank you. I will look into the book you recommended. I think it’s wonderful you have a daughter who takes after him. That must be a great comfort. My dad’s cancer was so painful to him and absolutely ravaged him. The oncologist told us that they are estimating that my mom has two weeks left. It’s hard to believe as she has small cell lung cancer and not much pain. The Dr said some people don’t have pain and that she will just go to sleep and not wake up. So I that’s our gift, not having to watch my mom die in the amount of pain my dad was in. I agree that this horrible time will make me a better person. But today is so very hard.

Hi there...

Your thread has touched my heart ... and brought back my memories of loosing mum and dad quite close ... my thoughts, were we don't loose them ... we are them ... we do things they taught us ... mannerisms. . Stories that dad told me when I a child ... mum teaching me how there's always two sides to a story ...  the laughter ... the love ... and the terrible teenage years we put them through .. my dad could do little magic tricks .. for the little ones ... my B F G daddy ...

I'm telling you this, because our mum's and dads, are not defined by cancer ... cancer wants to keep hurting you too ... till that's all you remember ... well don't let it ... yes it was painfull ... but they had most all of their life story befor cancer, that was just a small crule part ... and holding your dads hand like you did ... what more do any of us want at the end ... a hand to hold ...

I know this, because I'm on my cancer journey. . I will not let it define me ... l will kick it's butt till the end .. and the last thing I'll do is stick two fingers up to it ...

You know I had two boys, and I'm a part of them ... I can see myself when I was small in my amazing granddaughter ... so I know, I'm going no where, while a part of me lives in them ... I want to be thought about before cancer ... otherwise we all stay victims to it ... they live in our hearts.. tucked up where nothing can hurt them again ... l hope with all my heart you get some more time with your mum ... my mum went suddenly from a heart attack.... what I'd give to be able to have told her just how amazing and wonderfull she was ... but I believe she's been here with me through my cancer journey ... don't look for signs... they will come when you don't expect them ...  Chrissie