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My darling husband.

maxine
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Hi all, my darling husband passed away today of lung cancer, he was only diagnosed in Oct.

We've been together for 30 years,

His last 20 mins was/is hard to process, his breathing got worse, I was worried he was in pain, his face changed colour, I kept closing his eyes as I didn't want to see them open and rolling upwards. The nurse said he wouldn't have felt any pain as he was heavily sedated. I'm hoping he could hear us all being our usual talkative happy self. It was what we wanted for him as I was afraid he'd panic and become anxious but he didn't. I played with his beard and put my cheek on his and talked sweetly to him. 

My god the pain I felt from the moment he passed was horrid, searing pain in my head, uncontrollable crying, nurses and people set me off even more. I have a huge tension headache. We stayed with him for a few hours until my darling went cold. 

I've been reading posts/messages on this forum daily from June for some support  of how I'm going to cope. I particularly read messages of wives losing husband's, they've really helped me.

I definatly feel alone in all this and I know I'm not alone as the posts on here tell me I'm not alone. My kids are devasted and although they're very supportive I have to remember that they've lost their lovely dad too hence why I've typed this post for some support.

I feel robbed of another 30 + years with my beloved husband. We'd only just started to go out and enjoy ourselves as our kids had all recently flown the nest so it was our time now. 

We enjoyed classic car and bike shows, we'd just paid a membership to show my husband's beloved MG as car shows. He's got a 1000cc Honda sports bike that we bought to enjoy days out and to join clubs. It's all so unfair.

I'm wearing his wedding ring and t-shirt, luckily there was still a few items of clothing that hadn't been washed lol 

 

Thanks for reading. 

Love from a heartbroken wife now widow.

 

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    Hello Maxine and welcome.  So sorry you are have lost your beloved husband.  While, as we get older, we learn that there is no fairness in anything, it is still very hard to work out how these things can happen.  How to cope when the whole basis of our lives is destroyed.  It is said that hearing is the last sense to go so your husband would have known you were there, stroking him and talking to him which will have been a comfort to him.  But now you are left with the wreckage of your life.  I can only reiterate the "take it one day at a time" advice because looking forward is too painful and difficult. In fact when times are bad just concentrate on getting through the next few hours.  I hope your family and friends will hold you close.  And please make use of this forum to talk to people who will know how you feel.  My son's father died from lung cancer six years ago; like your husband he died fairly quickly after diagnosis. We were not living together but were still good friends and it was hard after thirty years close contact to accept that I would never see him again.  Just do whatever feels right for you; "talk" to your husband either out loud or in your head if it helps y ou.  I still "talk" to my mum who died - again from cancer - many years ago.  Annie

  • Maxine

    i feel for you so much. I am 10 days a widow and it is beginning to sink in that my darling is not coming home to me. I am heartbroken as you are.

    please take care of yourself and let the emotions flow

    xx

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Thanks Annie for your reply. I can only take it one hour at a time like you suggested otherwise I'd be a crying mess. I think I've cried 10 times today, I do have good mates and they're helping. I've actually been surprised at how upset they all are!!

    Today we visited my darling in the mortuary and he looked so peaceful and had a tiny smile on his face. I felt an overwhelming burst of pride, proudness and love for him as I know he battled his cancer head in without a single moan.

     

  • Offline in reply to SusanRuth

    Thank you Susan. I'm so sorry for loss xxx 

    Although I'm very upset and saddened by my husbands passing, I will always remember how brave my husband was and I ought to be too, for my darling xxxxxx

  • in reply to maxine

    Hello again

    I know exactly what you mean.  You want to honour his memory by picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and facing into your grief.  I have tried to do exactly the same but there have been times when the sadness has got too much for me, so I have allowed myself a wobble (or two!).  

    Take care and let me know if I can help or support you 

    Ruth x

  • Offline

    Hi Maxine

    So sorry for your loss. My amazing husband passed away on 2nd December from Bile Duct cancer just 6weeks after diagnosis. He was admitted to St Giles Hospice the Tuesday before and he was not left alone for any of that time. When he passed it was peaceful and he was surrounded by the people who loved him which is so important to us all. I had the privilege to be his wife for 25 wonderful years and have so many happy memories.

    My heart is broken, I don't think it will ever mend. I too have precious things around me in the hope that they will bring me some comfort.

    Take care of yourself xx

    Please feel free to contact me at anytime 

  • Offline in reply to SusanRuth

    Thanks Ruth, You're helping me but chatting as we're both going through the same thing and it's just so upsetting. Today, I collected the death certificate and as soon as I saw my husband's name I was sobbing. 

     

    How are you coping as it's nearly Christmas?

     

    I'm not coping at all, I can't go to our favourite shop as it's too painful. I'm not sure if I'm upto buying gifts or cooking the Christmas dinner. What about you?

    Xxxxxxx

  • in reply to maxine

    Honey Ive sent you a friend request but in answer to your questions, Steve and i don't have children so Christmas was never a big thing for us.... thank goodness.  I've come up to stay with my Mum who lives on the west coast of Scotland.  There's nothing to do here other than walk and cry, and I think that's doing me some good.  I'm getting up every day, walking our little dog, coming back and reading, watching some TV, wallking Gertie again, back for something to eat.  more reading/TV then bed. Not that I sleep much but at least I rest.

    I registered Steve's death on the Tuesday after he died (on the Sunday).  I went solo, and it was tough, but quite cathartic.  I had to face the facts, cos they were written out in front of me.  I got back into the car and screamed and cried for 20 minutes.  Passers by must have thought I was a mad woman (and to be honest at that point I probably was).

    There is nothing we can do other than accept what has happened and thank our lucky stars we spent 30 years with amazing men.  It sounds like your marriage was a love story.... so was ours.  It never occurred to me that it would end so suddenly and sadly BUT to give up, to give in would be to let Steve down and I'm not going to do that.  So, I am going to keep getting up, keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going until one day it won't hurt so much to walk my path without Steve.

    As for Christmas darling, don't worry..... nobody is going to bat an eyelid that you aren't up to doing Christmas this year and in any case I'm not entirely sure but trying to recreate a tradition might be a step to far for you this year.

    Take care and remember baby steps

    xxx

  • Offline in reply to SusanRuth

    Ruth,  You're so brave going for the certificate on your own. I took my son with me and we both cried looking at the certificate. Yesterday, we looked at video's of my darling and more tears flowed, thank God we took some and also lots of lovely photo's of my husband and our grandchildren so they can remember him when they're older. They're all young atm and we told the two eldest grandkids and they was upset for about 3 minutes then wanted my chocolates of the tree. I wish we was like that!

     

    Have a good time with your mum. Xxxxxxx

  • Offline in reply to Dotty2sticks

    Hi Dottie, So sorry a bit the loss of your husband. I stayed with my husband as much as I could in the hospital, I had commitments at home with animals so I stayed up until midnight and until he went to sleep. I loved whispering in his ear before I went home to say how much I loved him, how proud I was of him.

    Myself and 3 kids was with my husband when he passed, it was so difficult to see but I'm glad I was there and I love him so much.

    It's my husband's birthday on Tuesday and as hard as it'll be I'll make it a good day for him. 

    Xxxxx

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