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Lost my nan

ReganingRain
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I lost my nan recently to breast cancer. She lived abroad, so I didn’t see her much and therefore don’t feel a lot about it, but I’m worried about my mum. She has been crying a lot and acting very out of character, and she says that she feels like there’s a hole inside her. Sometimes I find her curled up on the floor and need to give her a hug.

Am I a bad person for not grieving? What should I do to help my grieving mum?

Thanks for reading.

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    Hi. I'm so sorry you have lost your nan. I lost my grandmother when I was 20, and I didn't feel anything like what you would call grief. I felt a bit messed up and angry for a while, but I didn't really cry. For years I wondered why I didn't cry. I thought it was weird. My mum also didn't cry, or show any grief at all. She used to talk to her mother on the phone every evening at 7pm. And my grandmother used to come stay with us for the weekend once a month. We did love her. But when my mum died in May, that was a grief i was unprepared for. Having never experienced a loss like that. I still cry most days. 

    I'm not really sure what you can do to help your mum. I don't really know what your relationship is like, if you are more like friends than mother and daughter. Some mums would probably feel like they are being supported by having things done for them, like having tea or coffee made, dishes washed, helping with tedious day to day things. Other mums might appreciate just having time together to talk. While some other people might enjoy having flowers and chocolate. I have no idea what is best, but I'm sure you will quickly figure out what your mum needs and be able to help out.

    All the best.

  • Offline in reply to Serapine8

    Thanks for the reply.

    It’s not just not crying for me, it’s literally feeling nothing. I don’t know if something's wrong with me because I’m not. I hope there’s nothing wrong and it’s just the way I am.

    I feel like my mum needs love, and that's not something I can easily give. I just want to help, but I don’t have a very high emotional capacity so I’m not very able to do it. Maybe I’ll try helping her around the house. She always says that I’m helping so much even though all I’m doing is hugging her. How can that be such a huge help?

    (Also, just to clarify, I'm a guy, but it's fine, I get how the mistake could be made.)

    Thanks for reading.

  • Offline in reply to ReganingRain

    It is difficult to grieve for someone who did not play a big part in your life; don't worry too much about that.  It is however natural for your mum to grieve and that will take time to work through.  Talk to her about your gran, ask her to tell you things about her young days.  Maybe she has photos she can show to you. Let her cry.  Give her a hug.  These things might please her but don't worry - you are doing the right things.  Annie

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Thanks for the reassurance. I sometimes feel like I’m not worthy of giving anyone support, but hugging my mum and seeing how much it helps really makes it feel like I am. Thank you again.

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