My mom was diagnosed with a rare vaginal cancer two years ago in December. She was scared. As her illness developed, I kept hoping that the surgery and chemotherapy would save her life. Instead, she got sicker. She was hospitalized the summer after her diagnosis because the chemo drugs had destroyed her blood and the radiation had given her 3rd degree internal burns. She had to quit radiation and wanted to quit chemo after it was discovered that it wasn't doing anything except making her sicker and destroying her red blood cells. The cancer spread to her lymphatic system and to her lungs. In her lungs it spread throughout in small dime sized dots and one the size of a quarter. Her doctor scheduled to her to do a pathology test to see if there were medicines available to treat her particular cancer. But, he waited until October to do this, and was supposed to get the results in November. Sadly, the results never came. My family never told me that my mom was only being given morphine for her pain. I only learned the true extent of her illness on Thanksgiving. My husband and I had had to move to another state and travel was difficult to reach home, but I talked to her alot on video chat. She was on oxygen when I saw her and she could barely eat. I had to learn that she had fallen a few times, twice she had fallen off the toilet, but neither she nor anyone else told me because they didn't want to worry me. My husband and I planned to return during Christmas, get a better assessment and make plans for me to stay with her because things just weren't looking good and I wanted to push her doctor to actually get the test results and to pursue treatment. We arrived on Christmas Eve at my parent's apartment. My mom was unresponsive. She had apparently been sleeping in her chair since Saturday and it was Monday. I knew she hadn't been sleeping so I thought nothing of it, just her catching up on some needed rest. But, she didn't really wake up at all on Christmas Eve. My husband and I, per our travel plans, had to leave Christmas Day in the afternoon. We finalized plans for my return in a few days. By this time my mom wasn't eating at all. She had to be given insure with a syringe. She woke up for a moment on Christmas Morning. She saw me and exclaimed, "My Baby!". Those are the last words she ever really said to me. The last words I heard her say was "help", as she needed to be lifted and set into a portable toilet seat. I held her as she peed and she set her head on my shoulder. My husband and I had to leave and go back to his folks place. The next morning, the 26th of last year, my husband got a phone call while I was still asleep from my dad. My mom had died while he was about to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning. No one was really prepared for it. 

I still cry a lot and every day I miss her and find myself saying in my head that I want my mommy. I don't regret out past much, except for not making plans to stay with her sooner and to spend more time with her during that last year, but that I mourn the fact that she won't be there to meet her grandkids and that I won't be able to take care of her and dad in their old age. And now, its the holidays again. Her birthday is Nov. 18, and it tore me up. I wasn't able to see anyone in my family for Thanksgiving, just my dad on skype which isn't the same as being able to reach out and hug someone. And with Christmas right around the corner... I don't know how I'll hold up. I just want to curl into a ball and cry and scream, but I know I can't do that. I've sort of been crying all year. My husband tries to comfort me and console and it helps. I just miss the sound of her voice and giving her a hug, talking to her and listening to her. I miss my mom.