I lost my father to to a short 3 month battle to Cancer in November 2017. He just turned 47 and I feel so sad knowing he won't ever get to experience things like being a granddad, watching us children get married, growing old with my mum etc.
It has been just over 1 year since his death anniversary and I feel the exact same as I did when he passed. I know time is a healer and eventually I have started to live 'a new normal' life but I can't stop going over the experience in my thoughts and reminding myself of the devestating outcome.
I am incredibly lucky to have shared my grief with 4 other siblings, the youngest was 12 at the time and my older sister 22. But I can't stop thinking about how lonely my mum must feel without my dad. They have been married for 23 years and my mum is only 43 years old and it feels so sad to think she lost her soul mate at such a young age.
I constantly think about what we could have done differently and 'what if' but I feel like this is extremely unhealthy as the outcome will still remain the same. My two sisters were present when he died and I am happy I wasn't because I was really scared throughout the whole process and I almost talked my self out of the truth.
It's really strange but I was at work one day and I served a customer who was buying some clothes for her husband. She slipped in the conversation that her husband is really ill with cancer and at this moment my dad had shortly been diagnosed. It was a really weird coincidence as he had the exact same type of Cancer, AML and I just thought this was a 'sign' of hope and I honestly felt like we crossed paths and had this conversation for a reason! She was really positive that her husband will be okay and this really made me have a new perspective on my dad's situation. Unfortunatley, he did pass and I feel like I still haven't come to terms with it 1 whole year later.
I have quite a negative view on the situation as there are instances that happened in the hospital/GP which I truly believe were inappropriate. For example, my dad suffered from scizophrenia/paranoia for almost most of his life and I can't forget the day he called us really scared and frightnered because the Doctor told him he has 4 weeks to live. He was really shaken up and was almost like a little baby who had a bad nightmare. I asked to speak to the Doctor and they took me, my mum, sister and auntie who were there visiting after we had such a devestating phone call from my dad to a quiet room and let us know that he only has a matter of 2-3 days to live. Which was infact correct as he died 2 days after that conversation.
I felt like they should have spoken to my family before announcing it to my dad, just because of his history of mental health and I know his mindset was in a horrible place during these 3 months and he had already given up trying to be positive. The doctors constantly told him he needs to think postively and remain calm but I just didn't expect professionals to say things like this. Correct me if I'm wrong, I understand they were just doing their job but I honestly felt that I could make a professional complaint with the list of things I believe were inappropriate but I just can't live through it all over again.
Anyway, I just wanted to write down some of my feelings on this chat because I feel like I am bottling things up and I know its not healthy. Even though I have such a loving family and a few close friends, I almost feel lonely and alone. I do hope in the near future I can take something positive out of this experience and remember the good times instead of the last few months we had with my dad. I do like to read through the forum about other people's experiences and it makes me think that I am not alone and even though we may not know eachother, we all have an experience/journey in life that connects us all!
Ro X
