Cancer Research UK main site

I’ve lost my mum, now I’ve lost myself

Stevensfamily1234
Offline

I posted in a different forum on here that my mum was 44 and dying. She passed away on 10th August this year. I’m really struggling with it.

She had just turned 44, I’ve just turned 27. What person my age is without their mother, their best friend?

Don’t get me wrong I have days where I can get on with things. But then it hits me out of no where. Like a tonne of bricks and it almost feels like nothing in the world makes sense. I don’t know how to deal with the intense waves of grief that come over me. she was such an amazing woman.  hard working and brought me and two siblings up alone. I miss her so much. I miss our chats and our giggles. I’m planning a wedding and she won’t be there. We wanted to start a family in a couple of years. My children will have no nana. She never got the chance to experience grandchildren and she was so excited. I feel so cheated and so sad.  Everything is just so empty. Does it ever get easier? 

  • Offline

    Hello and welcome!

    I am so sad to hear the news of your mums passing and wanted you to know you are not alone.

    I too am 27 and lost my mum almost a month ago now so you are a couple of months down the line from where i am. She too was my mum and my best friend and I have honestly dreaded the day where i would have to live without her my entire time but here is it and here we are... managing...somehow.

    Being back at work is a helpful distraction but also incredibly exhausting, I am still having difficulty with sleeping but most of the time I function like a normal human being. The tears have been few and far between in comparison to the months following her diagnosis (diagnosed June) and i have found that to be the most surprising thing of all.

    I can completely resonate with what you are saying about your kids not meeting your mum, this is probably the thing i am struggling with most. She was the most amazing mother to me, it breaks my heart that my kids will only know what i tell them but it is down to us to keep her memory alive and to make sure they know that although she is not physically with us she is all around us. It helps me sometimes when i think that shes probably right here stroking my hair or giving me the best squishy hug as she always did even if i can't feel it. 

    I hope your partner is being supportive, i'm not sure how i would have managed without mine. My parents were separated for over 20 years and my dad is severely disabled, i have cared for him since i was 19 so i'm in an unfortunate situation where I don't have my dad to provide much in the way of comfort either. 

    In response to your question does it get easier? I reckon that in time the memories and thoughts that we have that make us sad or bitter will in time make us smile, after all weren't we blessed to have such fantastic mothers in the first place. I tell myself i'm far better off having had an amazing role model for 27 years than a crap mum for 50! It doesn't make it easier i know but your mum wouldn't want you to feel sad forever, you are her legacy! We will always miss them, that's the trouble with loving someone so much and losing them but you will not always feel the way you currently do. I am still expecting to wake up one day and fall apart completely because I always thought life without mum wouldn't be worth living but I feel that it is more so than ever because a part of her lives on in me and yours in you so we must try to live and love to the fullest in honour of them until our times come to be with them once more.

    Good luck and feel free to give me a message if you need a chat. Take care xx

  • Offline

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear about your loss and what you are going through; my heart goes out to you. I wanted to let you know you are not on your own, and it does get easier. All you have said is normal for what you are going thorough and is heartbreaking. My situation is that  I lost my mum 11 years ago. I was 30 and my mum 59.  Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer March 2006, and died 9 months later jan 2007. It all came out of the blue. She was well and working part time, then she became ill and after tests we discovered she had terminal cancer. . Our lives changed overnight. What I wanted to say was that  I became pregnant during her illness  and gave  birth to my 1st child  2.5 months  after she died. April 2007. My mum would have loved to see her grandchildren and I know it’s what she and I found really hard to come to terms with... not living long enough to have any grandchildren.   It was a very hard time having a child so close to losing mum but I got through it and it does become easier. I am lucky in the fact that my dad is still around, and not having a parent  must be twice as hard for you. Whatever you are going through now will become easier, but it can take time. Just take each week at a time and then the weeks become months etc. You will find your way of dealing with it and things will become easier.  I wouldn’t like to count the number of times I have had tears in shops, or in the street when something had just come over me.! It mayhelp  you  to talk to some one,  a way to voice the anger and frustration and stop things going round in your head. I know it helped me, but it’s a personal thing and not for everyone. 

    I now have 2 children age 11 and 8. We talk about grandma Tricia all the time. They know who she is.  We have photos, and my dad did a photo album just of mum. We dont look at it a lot but the kids know it’s there. My partner was amazing support throughout this time. He  lost his dad when he was young so I think he had an understanding.  We got married  2.5 years after mum died. Another v emotional day. You can do it, just when you are ready.

    I hope this helps you. You will come to terms with everything and the anger and emotions do fade, but you never stop missing them. You just come to terms with it. Keep taking each week at a time. 

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.