I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel the same, hoping I’ll meet her again someday and that we will be together. I hope your Mum is watching over you and your baby. I wish I had a baby to love too. 

None of us here on the forum are fed up with your misery and your friends will feel the same, I know it is difficult for my friends sometimes to know what to say but they mean well. My doctor gave me anti depressants but I didnt take them, I used Kalms Lavender tablets and they seemed to help, maybe try those, all natural which I preferred.

I watch videos of my mum, sometimes I feel comforted, other times as you say, the reality kicks in.

Your posts are late in the day, I couldnt sleep at first, sorry not for me to dictate at all, but please try and get some rest, it will help.

We're behind keyboards, strangers, but thinking of you, in my thoughts and prayers. x

I am not very impressed by your GP; if he had given you something when you asked you might be coping a bit better now and not playing chicken with the cars on the road.  Good friends will talk and listen until the cows come home so don't worry about that.  You will know who your real friends are by now.  I know you don't actually know us here but we too will listen and chat too if it helps you at all.  Unfortunately  it is horrendous and there is no shame in getting help from any source.    After my mum's death I still talked to her as though she was here (and still do sometimes) - I like doing it and it doesn't do any harm to anyone so go along with anything that helps you. "Mam" I say "What do you think about so-and-so".  I know what her advice would be - "as long as you don't cause problems for anyone else and behave reasonably and lawfully, then go ahead."  Can you see another doctor - is it a surgery with several doctors?  I should ask again and explain what you have been thinking.     Your mum will always be alive in your head and heart no matter how many years go by.  Be a bit kind to yourself - you won't stop loving your mum and the love will still be there.  Keep in touch.  Annie

Thanks Linda, my posts are late because I’m now back in LA where I currently live but now hate it. My Mum used to visit me often. I will try the lavender calms thank you. Xo

Thanks Anne, I asked him twice and he wouldn’t give me them and he’s the nicest one in the surgery. I’m now back in LA so may go to a therapist here and try and get some from them. I’m truly afraid of what I might do otherwise. I think about driving my car off a cliff, or taking loads of pills but scared in case it doesn’t work and makes things even worse. I think I have complicated grief that never goes away. I have friends and other family but I feel so alone. Also my uncle now has terminal stomach cancer so we have that to deal with and as selfish as it sounds it’s taking the focus off of my Mum who they were in denial about so didn’t rally round as much as they are for him. It’s like she was the test case and it makes me angry. Thank you for taking the time to listen xxx

Hello MW101010,

Anne has given you excellent advice and I agree now you are back in LA it may be a good idea to go and see a therapist as soon as you can as it sounds like you really need help. You've done the right thing also in joining the forum and you will meet others here who have also lost a loved one to cancer and I hope you will draw strength from one another during this difficult time.

As you will see reading our page on Coping with Grief, grief is a very complex process and everyone grieves differently so it is important you seek the support you need at the moment and chase those dark thoughts. I am so sorry to hear about your uncle having terminal stomach cancer too. I hope you have some good friends around and family and that you are not alone. Don't forget also that there are helplines available whenever you feel really down and they are only a phone call away. It can really help sometimes to talk to someone. Samaritans USA is a good example and you can find their  contact details here do give them a call when it all gets too much. There is also this website which also has a contact number you can ring if you are experiencing emotional distress.

We are all here for you so keep strong. I am sure you will make lots of forum friends here who will help you get through this difficult time.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

I came onto the forum today, it helps me on the 'god-awful' days when I still can't accept that my mum is gone, when I would do anything just to see her one more time, tell her how much I love her and that seeing dad, how much he misses her, breaks me.

I understand when you say you feel you're getting worse, it's the longest time we've been without our mum's, it's just not right or fair. I 'talk' to mum everyday and ask her to help me cope.

Seeing a counsellor to help me get to a stage of acceptance, had 2 sessions, not sure if it's helping but she listens when I speak about mum, I think other people think I should have 'moved on'.

My mum gave me a precious gift, life....it is the hardest time to live without her but she loved me unconditionally and I know she would understand my sadness but she wouldn't want me to carry it with me forever.

I'm sure you're mum would want you to find happiness again, enjoy life as you have done before....it is very hard and I am so sorry that you're going through this horrible journey. A day at a time is sometimes all we can do, but that's ok, we're all individual, as is our grief.

Lucie gave some good links, I hope you will able to find help and people on this forum will always understand and try and help. I liked this verse:-

The river of grief is deep and wide

But happiness awaits you on the other side

And the love of those around you, will take you there.

Hello

I came across your post and I feel for you. I am actually concerned to read how distraught you feel. As a mother myself, I would say think about what your mother wanted for you. She would not have wanted you to die or to be so stricken with grief. You need to live your life not just for yourself but for your mother for you are her legacy in this world. Please seek counselling support, also look for bereavement support groups in your area and consider changes to life and career that would help you cope with such a big loss.

Thank you for replying. It helps to know people care. I have had counseling but it hasn’t helped. I don’t know what to do anymore.