Hi Joanne,

You really can never tell what will happen. 

You've done your level best to make her final months as happy as possible and she didn't suffer which is a blessing. That's all anyone can ask. 

You've been through anticipatory grief which may take the edge off the actual grieving, but it may not. We all grieve differently and there's no right or wrong way to do this. I was very practical when my Mum died of cancer and got through the funeral service and the wake OK but it really hit me afterwards. Her pain was over, we'd done everything humanly possible but it still hurt - we'd be inhuman if it didn't. 

You're right, you will have good and bad days but eventually the good ones will outnumber the bad ones and the sun will start shining through as your happy memories will start to overwhelm the bad ones caused by the cancer.

Best wishes

Dave

Hi there ...

My mum was my rock... best nan to my lads ... our lives revolved around each other with mum in the middle ... when my mum went suddenly .. I thought I would scream forever ... l thought I'd loose it at the funeral .. I was 36 at the time ... 

But you know it was like she was saying to me.. I'm not there, I'm right beside you ...instead of holing the casket like I thought I would ... I felt calm and like she was at piece ... 

I was lucky, I had no regrets, no if only I'd done that .. there was nothing I'd change .. I'd loved her every day .. and we'd shared a lifetime of memories ...

I've felt her with me and my boys along the way .. like the feathers I found everywhere , esp in my bra when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.. they just stopped when I got the news it was low risk of spread ... l believe when we love them that much .. we keep them wrapped up safely in our hearts to take with us ... we talk about her often .. and when my granddaughter 6 finds a white feather, she says look a feather from your mummy ... 

When it's our time, I think theirs will be the first hand outstretched to hold ours ... so yes you will have tears along the way .. but think of your mum looking at you now ... bet she'd give you a smile and say that's my girl ... we never stop missing them ... but we learn to get a new "normal" over time .. but take every emotion and run with it .. accept it all as part of loosing someone we we were honered to have had in our lives .. sending you a vertual hug ... Chrissie

Thank you so much for your response. 

Still somehow trundling on and smiling every time I think of her.

I suppose you never know how you'll grieve but if it's my mum holding me together I am so grateful to her. My best friend for my 27 years and will be forever more, in a way I'm lucky because I can talk to her at any time of any day now and I know she'll be able to hear me. 

Fingers crossed, there isn't a delayed reaction because my mum would hate for me to fall apart.

Sending hugs. Xxxxx

Hi Joanne,

Ive just read your post and cant explain how much I can relate to it. I lost my Dad at the begining of the month, he was 65 and had been battling cancer- So like you , we kind of knew this was coming so had all the conversations we wanted and said everything we needed to say. My dad died at home with the care of a hospice so I was also by his side everyday.

I feel exactly the same as you do.. robbed of the years I wont have with him. If you dont mind me asking- how old are you? We may be of a similar age. I am completely and utterly heartbroken at loosing my favourite person, I cant tell you how devestated I am.. but again, like you, I am also coping- and coping alot better than I would have ever thought I would.. We have had my dads funeral and I planned everything. Of course, that was the hardest day (was also lovely to have all his friends and our family celebrating him).. 

I keep saying to my boyfriend that Im worried that when people expect me to finally start getting back to normal thats when I'll fall apart. I genuinely dont feel like his death has registered with me yet, and I am too worried that one day its going to sink in and im going to be back to square one of grieving..

I do agree with you in the sense that when you find out the cancers terminal, whether you realise or not, you do begin to grieve.. because on some level you are preparing yourself for whats about to happen. From your story and from my expereince, I dont feel like you can ever prepare yourself fully, and perhaps we are both in shock a little bit? You say its been four days since your mum passed, its been just over 3 weeks since my dad and I still feel exactly the same as you..

I am terribly sorry for the loss of your mum, and trust me I know- whatever anyone says never makes it any better. Just hope you take comfort in the fact other people can have some idea of youre going through.. 

Hope to hear from you x

Hi joanne

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum and the pain you are going through.

I can relate to everything you've said. My gorgeous mam went to Heaven 6 weeks ago and like you i thought i was doing well and wondering if ior when the fall would come. I still haven't fully processed that i won't see her again on earth (but i look forward to meeting her in Heaven one day) and every so often i feel like I've been punched in the stomach when i think about it. I don't like talking about her or my loss but this chatroom really helps. I think some people think I'm cold but if only they really knew how i really felt. I can't bear to talk about her as its simply too painful and i don't refer to her in the past tense (why should i! She's still my present, my everything and very much with me so nothing has changed)

We looked after mam for 7 months at home and we knew what the outcome would be even through i never accepted it or believed it. I thought because i had all this warning it would somehow make the loss easier. To be truthful it did make the funeral and days after easier in that there was no shock and we were  calm and in a way relieved that mam was ok and free now. i was and still am getting so many lovely signs from mam and like Chrissie said i also have felt her presence with me. It's always on my right side and in typically her fashion she makes her presence felt when im really struggling with the children or sad or in need of a mothers touch.

So 6 weeks down the line i have to admit I've regressed in my grief. The people have all gone, the weather's cold and I'm back in work and the rot has set in. The only way i can describe my feeling is a constant sadness, a gnawing pain as opposed to hysterically crying although I've had that too.

Despite the anticipatory grief the fact remains we miss our mothers like crazy. Whether it's a shock passing or an expected one the outcome is still the same. both result in loss. I thought and hoped id feel ok but i feel i have no-one to properly talk to now. I have an amazing family, husband, friends etc but no-one to properly gossip with over a cup of tea and who thinks that I'm the most interesting person in the world! I feel like I've no-one to be proud of me anymore. The simple fact is that our mothers love us more than anything and think we are the cheese and when that is snatched from us we feel anchorless, rootless and as if we are free falling. 

My only advise to you Joanne is to take your grief hour by hour, it's too soon to know how you will process your loss, don't waste your precious energy trying. Try to tune into your mum's presence around you, she is there and is beside you. It's weird but when mam passed my first thought was that i had gotten her back, strange as it sounds but she was a shadow of her former self for months and the second she left i knew that the cancer was dead and her spirit was free and healthy and young again. I now know despite my grief that she is back to being my biggest champion and is rubbing my back and telling me to wear a coat in the cold! Your mum is doing the same so tune into it, you may find that the signs are subtle so try take some quiet time during the coming days( my quiet times are cooking and household type things as its just me being present to the task which in itself quietens the mind as i suppose you could call it mindfulness..) try rest as grief is sooo tiring, no-one tells you just how tiring it is. Say no to what you want to say no to. I had well meaning people call to me after but i was totally exhausted making tea and small talk so be careful of who you let through the door!. I took 3 weeks off work and my routine was to drop the kids to school come home to mt parents house where i would put on mams dressing gown and eat and rest with my family and tried to avoid text messages etc. There are still some friends who i haven't spoken to since she left. Now is the time to put yourself first, you looked after your mum so now it time for you to recover from the trauma of your loss.

A funeral and the aftermath is a bit like a wedding in that it's the one time in your life where you can call the shots so be very choosy about who and what you give your time to because you nearly need to be selfish in these very early days. Do what you feel like doing and remember there is no formula to grief. Some cry while others never shed a tear and neither is better than the other. Try eat and sleep to your normal routine and drink lots of water. Stay in touch and lean on the good people in your life, they will want to help you. Remember that you did everything you could while your mum was in her physical body and now she is back to minding you in her spiritual body so the roles have reversed. This gives me indescribable consolation. Our mothers have only transformed from physical to spiritual, they are still with us. Just because we can't see the bottom of the ocean does not mean it doors not exist, the same can be said for the spiritual world.

Take good care, chat soon and remember that this is not the end.

Denise 

Hi Joanne ...

Just a little note .. when you said about delayed emotion .. I felt I have to tell you .. I was so calm at mum's funeral ... and after was content to just miss her and know I was carrying her in my heart ... but 2 years later I went to an uncle's funeral .. who I wasn't particularly close too .. I cried like a baby ... couldn't understand what had come over me ... everyone must have thought we were really close .. it was only a few days later , I realised i was crying for my mum ... but then imagined her having a giggle at how that must have looked .. coz she had a wicked sense of humour ...

So just go with the flow ... feel anything your heart tells you ... and know that's o.k ...

An old saying I keep with me is ... don't cry because you loose someone ... smile because you were blessed to have had them in your life ... 

Hey Katie

Thanks so much for the message, it's really comforting to know i'm not alone in how i'm feeling.

I'm 27, no children yet unfortunately which is one of my biggest peeves as i have no idea how i'll cope without my mum when that time comes.

I had the funeral yesterday, it has been almost 2 weeks now and i'm still coping way better than i thought i would. I had a good cry yesterday but rather than physical pain all i'm left with is missing her immensely.

Funnily enough i mentioned to my family yesterday i wonder if it'll be when i try to go back to work that i'll fall apart but my doctor has told me he thinks it's unlikely we will fall apart and that there is no measure of grief. We assume we'll go crazy because we've never known our lives without our parents but there is no moment where we feel like we've been hit by a bus, just to take it day by day and to allow ourselves to feel ok when we're ok, sad when we're sad and all the feelings in between. 

Good luck and keep in touch, perhaps we could help eachother. :) xx

Hello,

Im glad my responce was some form of comfort to you, I felt the same when I read your post.. its almost nice hearing that so many people go through the same thing.

I know what you mean- ive just gone back to Uni and day to day im fine but I am always thinking of my dad.. and then get waves of sheer panic and upset that Im never going to see him again..

Im 23, also with no kids yet.. but throughout the last year and half I feel like ive grown up massivly. Im alot stronger than I ever thought. It seems you are too, getting through the funeral is a massive step. I hope your mum had the great send off she deserves. 

It would be really nice to stay in touch, as its now nearly been a month for me since my dad passed, and those who have never lost a parent somewhat expect me to just being getting on with it now and almost be “over it”.. so its nice to chat on here specifically about everything thats happened.

Thank you for your reply & I hope to hear from you again.. best of luck with your return to work if its coming up soon xxx

Hey Katie 

How are you holding up? I went home today after staying at mums with her partner for the last two weeks.

I must admit it has been a bit of a struggle, i keep looking at photos of her and thinking it can't be, my best friend and my mum - how am i meant to find any happiness or normality?

I have added you as a friend and would be happy to message you if you would prefer to chat that way?

Hope you managed ok in uni, well done for getting back, i imagine the initial return is the worst! I find the sympathy stares and people actively avoiding me or the subject of mum really uncomfortable to deal with.

Sending lots of love and hugs.

Jo xxxx

Hey Denise

Thank you so much for your message.

We had the funeral on Thursday and after sorting through mums belongings I returned home to my flat today - it has been a hard step, especially leaving my mums partner.

You are so right about taking my feelings hour by hour, i do feel that at the two week mark my feelings do change from one hour to the next and although i still amn't completely consumed by grief I do feel that I am starting to process what has happened.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum and hope you are holding up well, I too believe that mum is around me and i suppose that is probably a big help in keeping me strong and positive. I keep telling myself that although it is likely i will have to live for longer without her than i did with her, life on Earth is really just a blink in the eyes of eternity.

I cried hysterically throughout mums illness and for the first couple of days after she passed (also the funeral) but i can relate to the constant sadness that you refer to. I feel i have a knot in my stomach that i just can not shake, i look at photos of her and feel overwhelmed that i will have to go the rest of my life without seeing her beautiful smiling face again. I completely understand what people say when they state you can't imagine how you feel when dealt such a blow but where i always thought i would shut down and stop functioning I am hugely grateful that I am still finding the beauty in life and small moments of feeling ok in amongst the fog, confusion and sadness.

I hope I feel mum physically soon to confirm my beliefs that she is right here beside me. This will provide such comfort when i have my own children to know that although i can not see her there with them she will be be with them spiritually protecting them - i can't imagine a better guardian angel!

Take care and speak soon. xx