I cry every day too. My mum died 9th October, my daughter doesn't want to talk to me about Grandma because she doesn't want to make me cry. I have been keeping my husband up at night just talking about how I feel and how much I miss her. I didn't speak to her every day but she was at the end of a phone call if I needed her. Now she is not. I understand how you feel I miss my mum so very much too xx

Thank you for your reply, so sorry for your loss Emma, its so difficult I know and the grief is relentless. My husband is my soul-mate but he can't comfort me or take the feelings away, he hugs me and tells me he understands but I have to get through it by myself. I understand the post from CEJ, you don't want to burden others when all you want to do is talk about your mum but still at the stage where talking brings with it the tears. Worried sick about my dad, I know he puts on a brave face for me and I hear how upset he is from my nieces, they have children and said as a parent you always want to protect your kids so he doesn't tell me things, so not to upset me. Posting here, I know you and others understand how awful it feels and how the sadness just comes over in waves and literally knocks you back. I keep thinking how sad our mum's would be to see us in grief.

Take care

xx

Hi Linda and CEJ .. I'm 55 and lost my Mum 8th August 7 week's after diagnosis. She was my soulmate and best friend. And we shared everything together, although there was a long distance between us in miles. Same tv show's same everything.. She came here for long periods and I there, and she literally was the other parent to my children when growing up. But we also spoke 5 to 6 times a day on the phone. I literally feel devastated still. Every day I wake up hating my own reality and MISSING her so much my body either aches or can't move .. There may have been 2 days in total where Ive been tear free.. The thing is, when Mum was diagnosed in Lincolnshire, my siblings and I moved her within 10 day's to Kent, and we turner half of my house into Mum's space.. We had no idea it would take Mum so quickly, after getting sepsis and getting over that, her kidney's failed and the cancer was rampant. I have everything here of Mum's all set out as it was, but NO MUM .. I've got her precious dog Poppy, who has brought me endless comfort and a reason. Yet yesterday I had her to the vet as she was so poorly. I spent the night giving her holistic remedies and the antibiotic's. And prayed to Mum and to God to please not take her so soon, and I will try and not break my heart so much. Mum and losing her wasn't at the forfront of my mind during the night, as I was so concerned about Poppy, (her dog), but there, thankfully has been a great improvement in the last couple of hour's and I'm back again to choking and crying over Mum.. I know i'll never get over this loss of my amazingly independant, strong minded Mum, and feel that I'm letting her down by being so overwhelmed without her here. I read a post by you Linda yesterday and wanted to make contact .. Thanks for reading if you've got this far x

Hi Linda and CEJ .. I'm 55 and lost my Mum 8th August 7 week's after diagnosis. She was my soulmate and best friend. And we shared everything together, although there was a long distance between us in miles. Same tv show's same everything.. She came here for long periods and I there, and she literally was the other parent to my children when growing up. But we also spoke 5 to 6 times a day on the phone. I literally feel devastated still. Every day I wake up hating my own reality and MISSING her so much my body either aches or can't move .. There may have been 2 days in total where Ive been tear free.. The thing is, when Mum was diagnosed in Lincolnshire, my siblings and I moved her within 10 day's to Kent, and we turner half of my house into Mum's space.. We had no idea it would take Mum so quickly, after getting sepsis and getting over that, her kidney's failed and the cancer was rampant. I have everything here of Mum's all set out as it was, but NO MUM .. I've got her precious dog Poppy, who has brought me endless comfort and a reason. Yet yesterday I had her to the vet as she was so poorly. I spent the night giving her holistic remedies and the antibiotic's. And prayed to Mum and to God to please not take her so soon, and I will try and not break my heart so much. Mum and losing her wasn't at the forfront of my mind during the night, as I was so concerned about Poppy, (her dog), but there, thankfully has been a great improvement in the last couple of hour's and I'm back again to choking and crying over Mum.. I know i'll never get over this loss of my amazingly independant, strong minded Mum, and feel that I'm letting her down by being so overwhelmed without her here. I read a post by you Linda yesterday and wanted to make contact .. Thanks for reading if you've got this far x

Oh Kerry, so sorry for your loss and thank you for replying. I'm 55 too and I thought a strong independent woman, but this grief has floored me and I understand what you mean when you say your body aches and you hate the reality. I think its right what people say that you don't get over the loss but in time the overwhelming sadness becomes easier to deal with, but at the moment, that doesn't seem possible. I'm going to disagree with you on one thing, you're not letting your mum down, not at all. Our mum's shaped the people we are today, I know my mum wouldn't want me to be so sad but she would understand why, she knew me inside out. I hope I can honour her memory by living the best life I can, remembering her wonderful qualities and if I could be even half the woman she was, wow, that would be something.

I'm glad to hear Poppy is recovering, that's good news.

I'm taking a day at a time.

Take care, let us know how you are, we're all strangers but .....

xx

Dear Linda,

Thank you so much for replying .. It's true what you say, we are all stranger's but ... 

My Mum on the "chat" which I tenderly listened to, said to me, that I would miss her terribly, she wouldn't me she went on to say, because "I wont be here" she said. I wanted to cry my heart out, but stayed strong in that moment. She is here, I can feel her. But I'm positive you know the missing on the telephone, all the no more's.. It's terrifying and agony .. 

It does truly help to come onto here and KNOW that we are not alone, 

Bless you Linda, and thank you ..

I pray your having an easier night. x

Hi kkkerry2,

I just wanted to post and ask how you're doing......and Poppy.

x

Hi Linda 

How are you doing.? Thank you for checking in. I'm basically most of the time just doing. There is such a huge part of me that doesn't want to not feel this anguish as It would feel so soon and as if Im leaving Mum somewhere behind me. Poppy is doing SO MUCH BETTER, back to normal and Im so grateful for that. This ache, the flashbacks of only this time a year ago or of Mum well and smiling hit me like a sledge hammer. And I'm left reeling as to how could any of this be. How!!!! 

How are you coping Linda, are you okay x

Hi kkkerry2,

Thank you for your reply, glad to hear that Poppy is much better, we never had pets growing up but I can see how people get attached to them.

I think you summed it up when you described 'this ache'; I said to my husband this evening,it's like a constant ache in your chest, although the acute anxiety the Dr said I had has subsided and I don't feel like I can't breathe.

It's strange you said about the flasbacks, I was scrolling through texts on my phone, looking at the date/times and thinking, mum was here then.It still doesn't seem real. I 'talk' to mum and ask her to look after dad, he looked so lost when I saw him earlier but he tells me he's doing ok, I just don't know.

I actually spoke to someone at work about my mum without totally breaking down but cried in the hairdressers yesterday when would you believe it, article in a magazine about a girl who lost her father to my mums condition-Myleofibrosis.

Not sure about you, but I feel I want to tell people about my mum,they must think I'm mad.

How am I coping?....its up and down but the uncontrollable sobbing wherever I might have been has stopped, just quiet tears, usually when I am on my own. Although family are all going through the same loss, I guess the daughter, grand-daughter, son, husband...we're .all grieving but it is all very individual feelings.

What keeps me sane I suppose is the fact that mum is at peace....did I tell you about the butterfly?! My brother, who lives with Dad, saw one on the landing, how odd is that, but he picked it up and took it to an open window, and he said he stayed for a good few moments before flying away. I know I am clutching at straws but some will say, a sign, mum's spirit to say all was ok.

We're not leaving our mum's behind as we get by a day at a time, they will always be in our hearts, never forgotten, we will find happier times at some point and at that time, I'll be able to think of my mum with not as much sadness and remember how so very lucky we were to have her in our lives. My faith says that I will see her again, its so hard but just taking each day as it comes.

Hope it gets not as painful in weeks to come but I understand how you feel.

Sending all my best wishes,

x