Why doesn’t my family understand my grief

my mum died a week tomorrow,she suffered with different problems health wise including dementia,and copd ,I’m absolutely devastated,I simply can’t believe my mum has gone ,my family her children have had no contact for problems,which I would say why on here but I’m afraid they may see it and know it’s about them ,mum had and they had absolutely no interest in either of each other’s life , mum was also a bad alcoholic,which absolutely broke everyone apart ,mum turned into a horrible person ,who wouldn’t give a damn what she said who she said it to including to me ,I tried so many times to walk away ,but loved always ,eventually things got to much for me ,mum was put into a care home ,I will always feel so guilty for making that desperate decision,none of her children /family where interested ,mum died a awful death my heart is broke ,my family really don’t care ,leaving me to deal with everything,

  • Hi there ...

    Please don't feel guilty ... you did your best, for a mum that had many problems ...maybe her being so angry at everyone was too much for the others to cope with .. 

    You did far more then a lot of people would do ... and my sister is in a care home with dementure and we tried so hard to keep her home, but she'd wonder in the middle of the night .. so it was a safer place for her ... and yes we feel guilty but know it may have been a far worse sinario if left at home ..

    So miss your mum ... but know you did o.k ... be kind to your self .. and try to understand the rest of the family too ...  Chrissie x

  • Hello Cantsay and welcome.  I am no sure I can say anything that would make you feel better about what has happened but I can certainly read the undercurrent of unhappiness and chaos which must have been the background to your life.  By the description you have provided of your mum's problems it is perhaps understandable that some members of your family could not cope especially if they had their own families.  Try not to think too harshly of them as they must have suffered as indeed you too must have been through terrible times.  I don't think you should feel guilty about your mum having to go into a care home; she was damaged - perhaps by the events of her own life - and it was too much for you to handle.  You did your best and nobody can do more.  Don't let the terrible problems caused by your mum's illness spoil the relationships between your family; is it possible for you to gradually heal the wounds and anger that you feel against your family.  You could try to reach out to them as time passes.  Even though your mum has now died you may find it useful to contact, for instance, the National Association for Children of Alcoholics (0800 358 3456  website www.nacoa.org.uk) who I feel fairly confident will be able to point you in the right direction to get through all the pain which you are suffering.   It is very early days at the moment but I don't like to think of your entire life being blighted by these family problems.  Best wishes to you.  Annie

  • Thankyou for kind words ,I’m struggling though ,and really need there support,no1 is interested