Evening all,  sorry for long post. My dad passed away on Sunday aged 64 after being diagnosed July 24th with  adenocarcina of the lung.  Everything I’ve read has said it’s not that fast growing but his was very aggressive and left him in agony for weeks with multiple fractures of the spine amongst  it being in nearly every bone. That’s something I don’t understand. Anyway the reason I’m here  is basically I feel like I’m on a slow boil.  That’s the best way can   dedescribe it. I know I’m going to be more sensitive to comments at the moment and  I have always worried about what people think. But bit by bit it seems to be building up.  Firstly my aunty was saying how being with Dad was hard for my sister and Mum adventure they were doing everything as she felt really sorry for them and they needed a break. Now I was with him everyday doing things for him and staying at night with mum with him.  I was with him when he was begging to comeback home and how he wanted to die. Throughout it Dad was always positive and didn’t dwell on things so this was nothing like him.  Im a daddy’s girl and am the youngest (32) of me and my sister.  My sister usually takes charge and I’m used to being treated as the baby (not being allowed to help).   I’m expected to be not much use and the one who needs comforting. My sister Mum and I have made all the arrangements although to be honnest I’ve been there more helping Mum. A few comments have been made of  how people are worried over my sister (as she’s unusually quiet) and my mum,  but I’m ok because I appear fine. My work supervisor said I’m appearing fine as I can talk  about  all the details but said it’s  going to hit me and is worried I dont have a good support system around me.  I have friends to talk to but don’t want to put that pressure on someone and i don’t feel like they’re much help as it makes them uneasy if I talk about anything like that. My friends at work are over the top and I feel like they’re wanting me to have a big breakdown.  I don’t feel comfortable talking to family as that’s not  how we are.  My sister has her husband to talk to and he to is also grieving. My mum has neighbours who are good friends and there for her as is her sister to talk to. I feel like I need to moan and talk as everything is slowly building up with certain comments.  I get there’s non blueprint for  grief and I know I’m going to just breakdown some point later and that has  got me scared like I’m on edge waiting but by the time it does happen everyone’s processed and got on with things. It happened to me before.   I’m being told to talk about it and  when i do I’m told to be strong. I feel like being asked  how I am and they’re there if I need to talk is a pleasantry and does not really mean that.  I came here for a rant as I found it easier although I just want a cuddle as well.  I also  feel guilty for being cheesed off with my sister  as she has just finished treatment for cancer herself. And I know we shouldn’t expect things of each other at this point as it’s not fair. I’m just xomfsed and frustrated and I’m meed of a good cuddle.  But we’re all in this together x