Hi Car23

I'm so sorry to read about your Mum.  I can't imagine the pain and heartbreak you feel.  It sounds like your mind and body are doing what they need  to do to protect you.  You've had sensory overload and it's too much to bear.  Please don't beat yourself up, or think there's something wrong with you.  You will feel the way you feel until you don't,  That's it and all there is to it.  Don't rush it, don't be afraid of it.  It is your journey and is all part of YOUR healing process and whilst I don't think anyone ever really gets over the loss of a loved one, from what I've learned on here, from the many, many people who have, you slowly learn to come to terms with your loss, but in your own time.  

If we didn't love so much, it wouldn't hurt so much..... I think that's very true,

From what you've written about your Mums passing, it sounds like you did everything you could to make her feel loved at the end and that is so important isn't it? 

There are loads of articles on this website about dealing with grief.... if you click on "About Cancer" above you'll be able to find stuff.  No doubt someone else will be along after me with much more relevant help, so please keep checking in.  

In the immediate future I would just keep doing what you're doing.  But try to look after yourself.... eat well, sleep when you need to, try to get some fresh air.  Remember your Mum's smile and your love for each other, and try to find a little bit of sunshine in every day,

Thinking of you and wishing you much strength and courage

Love

Ruth x

Hi Car23,

I wish I had some words of advice or something to say that would help with your grief. I don’t, but I wanted to let you know that I’m feeling the same way so you are not alone. I lost my beautiful mum almost 10 months ago after watching her fight for 4 years. I just can’t deal with the thought of her not being here so I try to avoid thinking of her and her last days as much as possible. The avoidance is exhausting but the alternative feels so much worse. Hopefully we will be able to handle our grief differently some day and remember all the beautiful memories our precious mums left us with. Until then I think we are just trying to survive an unbelievable loss and maybe for us avoidance is a part of the process. Take care of yourself and just take one day at a time. X

I feel your pain . My mum was dynoised with terminal cancer out of the blue . A small lump in neck and 7 months later gone !! I nursed her at my home till the end . She wrote letters to us all .. I sat with her while she planned her funeral.. and we both couldn't see or speak through our tears .  We had the most horrendous , painful conversations which actually took my breathe away .  She was only bedridden and ill 10 days before She died so I never believed it . It was like she had gone out one day shopping and never returned .. a complete shock !!    I will never get over it . The pain is unbearable .  I lost my hair .. have nightmares .. think something bad is going to happen everyday .. scared of life .. cry at everything .. can never go into places we visited together ...  I question life everyday .   Why are we here ?? My thoughts are so irrational.  I'm so scared of dying .. scared of planning even the next day in case I never wake up .  She died on 30th July 2016 and nothing gets better.   When she was in the funeral parlour..I sat with her every day and begged them to keep her there so i could just see her .  I can talk about her but cannot think about her .  I'm physically sick and can't breath if I do .    I tried counselling but it never worked for me .   I'm sick of people saying you have your memories ... I don't want memories I want my mum !!!!!!  I'm even question whether she was real as it all seems surreal . My life is broken . I'm never happy ... nothing excites me anymore .  My poor dad is an absolute car crash ..  every time I see him we break down and collapse  in each others arms .   His health is deteriorating and I can't help him as I'm frightened he's going to die in front of my eyes and I don't want to be anywhere near when this happens as I think I would die too !!!I have a fab family but nobody can feel my pain and help me understand what has happened .    The more you love ... the more it hurts .  Life sucks

Thank you so much for your lovely words! I don’t think I’ll ever get over it but maybe in time I’ll learn to live with it or deal with it better! Thanks for your kindness xxx

It’s honestly the most painful expertience and people don’t understand the actual physical pain you feel! Its reassuring to hear I’m not alone in my avoidance I guess it’s our only way of survival right now! I find my dads grief is unbearable too and he himself is having treatment for stage 3 bowel cancer! I hope we can one day find peace, I am the same though I can’t think of those last hours, or the actual last breath it’s overwhelming with pain and fear ! I wish my mum had got around to letters I’d love to be able to read hear words! Sending all who are suffering so much love xxx