My wonderful mum lost her long battle in Nov ‘17. She had been sick with Myeloma for about 9 years , she was diagnosed just as my son was born. So her being ill and everything that comes with it had become the norm for our family. Especially as Mum was so matter of fact about it and was determined to live how she wanted and do what she wanted despite being so so tired and poorly at times especially towards the end. She tried to make the absolute most out of all the time  she had . I think we where all in denial that she would ever die as it became a running joke , she just kept going and going . And then it happened just like that, suddenly she was gone. Everything just changed from then , I haven’t felt the same since. Like I have this huge sadness weighing on me all the time , I can’t focus on anything , I’m anxious , I can’t really face up to the reality that’s she’s gone . It’s like my brain can’t comprehend that I won’t see her or touch her or hear her again and I have never wanted all of those things more. I’m in my thirties and have children and a family and have siblings who are all going through their own grief so I try to be strong and be happy for what I have got and focus on my kids and my future but the sadness is there , weighing on me constantly . Its getting worse not better , I seem to think about her more each day and I miss her so so much. I just don’t know what to do with myself I am scared I will always feel like this . I’m so sad and and angry and guilty so many emotions , I just want my mum to make it better. I have never said these things out loud to anyone really but I just needed to get it out . Reading that others are sadly in the same position is such a tragic thing but has made me realise that I’m not alone in this . That this is what grief must be like.