Hi everyone,

I joined awhile ago but I've never posted. I'm a 25 yr old living with my Mom who has stage 4 carcinoid cancer.

My Mom was diagnosed in 2016 after suffering from digestive issues for her entire life, they found the main tumour in her cecum and it had also metastasized to her liver, breast, heart and lung. Not too long after her surgery to remove part of her colon which only had a 50% chance of success, my father left her, me, and my 3 other younger siblings. I was left to care for her and them while also going to college. She is now getting monthly shots and is doing much better, but as its stage 4 I always have in my mind that it is terminal and will eventually cut her life short. 

My life has been touched by cancer and disease more often than I would like. When I was 8 my grandfather died at 55 of emphysema after a failed lung transplant. About five years ago my uncle died at age 45 of stomach cancer leaving behind my aunt and 3 young cousins, and more recently my great uncle died of colon cancer after a long drawn out battle.

The state all of this has left me in is, not good. I had depression and anxiety before this but now walk around every day fearing death. I have become a hypochondriac, I worry constantly that I have cancer. I am terrified of doctors and in spite of having worrying symptoms and mental illness i do not go to the doctor and have never been to therapy. I dont go out at all, I just stay inside alone and dont talk to anyone. I feel as though my life has been wasted and even if I don't have cancer physically, it has taken my happiness from me. It takes people away and ruins lives and once it has touched you there is no getting away from it, it haunts you forever. 

I don't know where I was going with this, Maybe somebody can relate or has advice. I know I have to seek help and that it isn't normal to live this way, I'm having a really hard time coping with this.

Thanks for reading.