Thank you, I hope he would be proud of me xx

Thank you, every day is a struggle. I love him so much xx

Hello there, Mazda 

Just nipped on here to see how you’re doing xx 

How are you feeling? 

(Silly question, I know) xx 

Hiya, lovely to hear from you. Thank you for asking.

I’m very up and down, I do some things like go out for a coffee with a friend but tears come very easily and I’m never sure when they’ll come! I still don’t want to be here,  I hate the life I’ve now been given, I just want my darling husband back. I know he’s not coming back though and it breaks my heart. 

I think dome people think I should ‘be better’, someone asked if I was ‘getting there’, I said ‘No, I’m not and I never will be there!’ Mostly I try not to be rude though :) 

How are things with you? Xx

Hi Mazda 

Really good to see your message, was wondering how you were doing xx 

Although it was my Mum that passed, I can see how much your love your husband (and I know how it is to love like that....I can’t imagine what you’re going through). 

Oh yes - re: tears. I was travelling back from London on a packed train a few weeks after my Mum passed and I started sobbing in front of everyone  I ended up putting my coat over my head! My colleague who sadly lost her brother a few years ago...I recall she said she had turned a corner in her car and joined a huge queue of traffic which set her off...she’d never cried at traffic before...she described the brain as a bucket...each drop of stress was a drop of water into the bucket...if the bucket’s already full (a bereavement) it can take just a tiny drop more of stress (that we might not even by consciously aware of!)  for  the bucket to overflow and that’s when the tears come!! My experience is...that did calm down quite soon...just got less and less regular as the time went on x 

It is good to hear you’ve been getting out...but I am sure watching the world carry on around you when you are suffering so badly is such an odd feeling. I am so sorry. I’m sure you won’t...but please don’t feel pressured by anyone about being better. You go at your own pace. This has been a huge shock for you, losing him so soon xx you’re allowed to do whatever you need to cope xx 

well I am thinking of you. When I told my boss once after my loss ‘I can’t cope....I can’t get through the day!!’ he told me my success rate at getting through the day had been 100% so far xx same with you! although I am not trivialising how difficult it has been for you to do this xx 

Take good care xx S

Hi M. .  My story is very similar to yours. ..Except I lost my mum. . And my rock. . She was the second parent to both my children and we relied on each other. . I've never been married and mum was my wing man. . Best friend . From her being widowed 7 years ago we supported each other. . From diagnosis to passing it was 7 weeks and she passed 8 August here at home with us. . If like me throughout the 7 weeks you barley had time to process one bit of bad news another bit would follow. . And just as mum recovered from the sepsis  (which according to doctors was an almost miracle ) her kidneys failed and literally the shock of how quickly our bodies shut down and seeing my mum rapidly decline has messed my head up massively. . If I'm not sobbing violantly then I'm shaking my head in disbelief and going over and over the full horror of every day from diagnosis. . So I'm having to make a constructive plan on how to cope and want to live on to what now seems an eternity without mum. . I came on here to hear others with similar or worse stories than mine and to at least understand that what we've just experienced is sadly common. . What we've just done is experience the most important person in our life. . Our beloved and most trusted slip from this life and the physical being empty. . THAT ITSELF IS TRAUMA. . And as the deepest sorrow of all sorrows sets in they are not there. . It all felt like a sick cosmic game at first and now its just pure missing and heartbreak. . Not even able to imagine a world without my mum and BEST FRIEND. . So I don't.  I let the tears and sobbing take over as that in itself can create an illness within so let it out but then I put on You tube and listen to Ekhart Tolle teachings of how to stay mindset in the NOW and not go to the oh my gods and the never agains. . Being on here I feel has helped massively to know that others are living and surviving the same agony.. The same trauma. . You tube is also a great platform for all sorts of religious and non religious beliefs so if I'm honest I've listened to sane people neurosurgeons discuss there near death experience and how they are converted. . I sleep on the couch so as I don't get to comfy in a bed preventing a deep sleep so the shock of my own reality doesn't smack me quite so hard. . And I eat something ..  It's an hour to hour moment to moment ride and learning to not focus on the unbearable future ahead but just the minutes and hours. . I wish you peace eventually and courage always with this.  

Hi Kerry,

Thank you for writing, I’m so sorry you had to go through the same experience, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s like being tortured every day. 

I know what you mean about barely having time to process they have cancer before you lose them. We were the same, wed been talking about if we had one more year together and trying to plan that but had not talked at all about him going so quickly. I agree, you just live in shock, I still can’t believe it’s happened and that I won’t see him again. He is my soul mate and I feel my heart has been ripped apart. 

I’m not sure how we live with this, I am taking it hour by hour at the moment and I let myself cry when I want to. I can’t imagine a future without him, he was everything to me.

I’ve been reading some books on coping with loss, some of it you have to pick and choose but it does help, like your You Tube videos I assume. It also helped talking to the hospital, they arranged an appt for me to talk to the Registrar and Consultant , we went over everything and it put my mind at rest that they and I had done all we could. 

I hope eventually we find some peace, if you ever need a chat I’m happy to talk. X

Hi S,

Thank you for writing back, that was good of your boss to say that, it’s true, we are still here so our success rate is 100% I’ll try to remember that as at times I feel I can’t go on any longer. 

You are right, some people seem to think I should be ‘getting better’ now or the pain will be better, I know it won’t. I’ve heard you just get better at coping with the pain not that it gets less.

Someone said to me, how sad if you don’t cry! Your crying shows the live you have for your husband, he is worth all the tears you shed.

I can’t really imagine the future without him, I just try to get through an hour at a time. 

Xx

Mazda....I am thinking of you. 

I think you are amazing. 

Your husband must have been so happy to have all that  love from you. What a lovely position to be in...to know you are so loved :)

Had you been married long xx? xx 

I am truly sorry for your loss, Mazda....I’m a stranger and it hurt to read your first posting so I can’t imagine the pain you are experiencing.........if it helps....please do check in on here to let us know how you’re getting on xx 

Hi S,

Thank you for your lovely e-mail, you are so kind.

Yes, both me and my husband knew without any doubt that we loved each other more than we'd ever loved anyone or been loved by anyone, we said it to each other often. We had only been married just over 4 years and together 9 years but they were the best 9 years of my life. I'd been married before and so had he so we both knew we had met our soul mate when we got together, he was truly the most amazing man I've ever met. Most people said it was evident how much we loved each other as they could see it in our faces when we were together. I lost him 8 weeks ago today :-(

Thank you for writing back to me, I do have family but I feel so alone as my darling husband was everything to me, it just isn't the same without him here. I really don't like life at all now but when he was alive I LOVED life and would get excited every single day to come home from work to him. We always told each other how much we loved each other. I miss him so much.

xx