Dear Granie, my heart goes out to you during this difficult time. When the time comes for him to pass you will be totally lost. After 18 months I can't say that my loss has become any easier but I can say that we owe it to our children to carry on life because they deserve so much more than they are receiving. You have stood by him during the past and the heartache that he caused is just part of life. Everyone has to find their own way, but as your son, you wouldn't and never should, give up on him. Remember that he will always be your son and in everythig that you do he will always be part of it. His cancer sounds much advanced, tell him how much you love him. I hope that he will not suffer but cancer is a vicious disease and wants to take so much in it's path. You will be heart broken and for what small consolation it is remember that many of us know exactlyly what you are going through. We all care because we become a member of a club that no parent wants to belong to. In the meantime please take care of yourself.

Dear Granie, I haven't been here for some time, I'm so sorry to read about your son, I'm not sure how you will cope, I only know I am still here 18 months after my son died from this dreadful disease. It is so heartbreaking and terrible to watch your child go through this no matter how old they are. My son like yours was a lovely gentle and kind man, I miss him every day. I don't have any tips on how you cope, just know I am thinking of you and if you need to get in touch I'm willing to listen as I can empathise with what you are going through. Take care, sending all,the best and be gentle, just do what is in your heart. Thinking of you, Vera X 

Thank you so much for these kind words yes it is advanced but we only found out 3 days ago he fell and was taken to hospital with a suspected broken arm but unfortunately they found numerous tumours on his brain also his lung and bowel, i just want to make plans but the consultant said if they cannot commence treatment it will be 3 weeks if treatment maybe 8 months , i think it is 3 weeks but cannot get my head round it and although my sisters are loving and we are close i do not want to talk to them just yes, i feel so so sad

Dear Granie,

I have been thinking about you. I just wondered as you said you haven't told your sister, if you have other support. It's not easy at all, so just thought maybe your sisters would want to know. Your emotions will be all over the place, sometimes somebody, even if it's just on the end of the phone or a text can be a comfort and those closest to you will want to help. 

Thoughts are with you and your son, take care of yourself, Vera X 

hello, I have told all my sisters, but I cannot understand why I do not want to talk to them about this i just feel as if i want to do this alone, I really do not know what i want at the moment, i do not know if others felt like this but i just feel i brought him into this world and i want to jus thave him to myself and i do not want to talk about his private pain, oh god do not know what is going through my mind at the moment wondered if anyone else felt like this

Hello granie, You will be in shock at the moment. This has come on you very suddenly, you will feel anger, you will sorrow, you will that it's unjust. where is god, why doesn't he help, where is the miracle we need? You will need some time to adjust to all this unbelievable news. you should not do this alone. Talking, even going over the same thing time and time again is a small release. Your family will suppport you and listen even if at times in your mind you are rambling. Yes it is your son's private pain, but the effect of this is wide spreading. Undoubtably your sisters love him and have been part of his life and he and they deserve to be part of the final journey. It's also very important that your son has contact to his friends and family. I bought my own son back from London (after being told the CAR-T had failed) with an expectation of 'a matter of weeks'. The next day there was a stream of friends and the next day. We left them with him for private time. A lot of laughs, a few tears lots of computer games. One of the nurses who cared for him bought cakes. He was alert (thankfully). He died within 48 hours of coming home, where he wanted to be. He was more worried for us for our future, but those last two days will stay with us forever. I said to him, people say that you come into this world with nothing and you leave with nothing. They are wrong. The love you have for me and the love I have for you will stay with him and with me. In time. we will be forgotten but that love stays with us forever. Cherish whatever time you have together and share it. It will help for the future, it will take a long time to come to terms with it and you will never get over it, but nor should you. As i said before he is your son and will always be your son.  

thank you lovely words, the hardest thing is i cannot be with him re the covid scare so he is on his own in the hospital , i am slowly opeing up but maybe i just want normal for as long as possible

Thank you xxx

I feel really sorry that you can't be there with him. Yes this C-19 is a real problem. As you can't be with him it's even more important that you talk with your family, you can not bottle all this up. You say you want to be normal for as long as possible, but things are far from normal now, that point has passed. Talking with them doesn't change the normal but it brings them closder to you and in turn you some relief.

Can't the doctors test you to see if you are in anyway infected by C-19? At least that way you would get to see him- these are all extra ordinary times which calls for extra ordinary measures.   

As Vera said there are no right or wrongs in this, but having someone to talk to really helped me.