Hello, this is the first time i have ever posted a message on a forum in my life. I have ended up on here as my dad just diagnosed yesterday with cancer. I felt very strongly about responding to you as you described that horrible feeling that something bad is going to happen and you are not going to be around for your children. I have also experienced this, by no means as long as you however i just gently want to say has a gp never mentioned 'ptsd' to you. I have had a period of anxiety and depression before so knew what i was going through was different to that but felt very lost as i didnt know what was happening to me. Please visit an understanding gp and explain what you have stated in your post and if they dont offer ask to be referred for some counselling. I am not saying that you will ever stop missing your mam BUT that horrible feeling you are living with everyday can be banished. I underwent whats called 'memory processing' its hard but i cannot praise it enough of how much better you can feel. I have 2 important things to say if you dont feel at ease with the counsellor then ask to see another, they understsnd that not everyone clicks and secondly it does get harder before it gets easier but if you stick with it you will in time feel so much  better. You are obviously a strong person to get where you are today after being through such a traumatic event as a child, so please be little bit stronger and ask for some help at your gp practice as this really can be overcome xxx take care

I hope i havent come across as pushy and a know all, as im not, but i cried when i read your post as i could identify with all the feelings you are experiencing xxx