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Recently Lost my Dad

MissE
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Hi all,

 

I've been reading this forum on and off since my father was diagnosed with kidney cancer in Feb 2017 and I have found it to be a great help. He sadly passed away in June and I am devastated. He had been sick for about 2 years (but wasn't diagnosed for some time, although we all had an inkling). When he was diagnosed we were informed that it was already incurable and inoperable at that stage, and any treatment would just be to slow the spread as much as possible. Watching such an active and energetic man deteriorate in front of our eyes was the most distressing thing I have ever gone through. We had all already gone through so much before he even died, and I felt I had already started the grieving process in a way. He wanted to stay at home and my mother looked after him full time very well, as she has a nursing background. I also was at home often and tried to help as much as I could, and also gave up work when he was getting worse to be at home, but I still feel there are things I should have done and maybe I could have done more.

We were all there with him when he passed-my mother, brother and I. We had a night nurse with us that night (an amazing woman) and she said that he really did have a lovely peaceful passing-and although it wouldn't be much consolation to us right then it would hopefully be in the future. That has already brought me a little bit of comfort, but I'm obviously still incredibly upset. He was on the syringe driver when he went which we were very grateful for at that point as he had a very bad last week with the pain, and his last few days is something I can't get out of my head. I think about him all the time, and at the moment it's mainly remembering him so ill in his bed. If I try and think of him when he was well that's too painful as it was a happier time and makes me so sad to think of the trauma ahead of us we were oblivious to. I also keep dreaming about him which I find very distressing. It's still very recent so I know it's normal to be all over the place. 

I loved my dad so much and can't believe I will never see him again. I work agency jobs at the moment, and will be starting in a new post soon (moreso driven by the need to start earning again rather than a sincere desire to get back to work to be honest) which I'm very worried about as I know I'll find it really tough while I'm grieving, and I already have an extremely stressful line of work to begin with even if you don't have personal issues. I know that Dad would have wanted me to get back to a somewhat normal life at the same time. I'm only in my late twenties and I just get overwhelmed when I think of how much he is going to miss out on-he had so many plans for his own retirement, and he'll never meet any possible grandchildren, walk me down the aisle if I get married or share any future achievements with me. I just feel very lost. At times I'm very emotional and overwhelmed, and at other times I just have this deep emptiness. If anyone is currently feeling the same, has gone through this already or can empathise I'd love to know I'm not alone. X

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    Hi MissE. I'm so sorry you lost your dad. It really is one of the worst thing to go through.  I lost my mom May 17th. She had been in and out of hospitals for two years, mostly for breathing problems (COPD) but then they also found breast cancer two years ago while in hospital so she had treatment for that too. But mostly she just plodded along and took whatever came her way. 

    We were devastated to learn in February that she had metatastic cancer that was in her lung, breast and leg. The oncologist didn't know at the time where the cancer had started. We found out much later it was lung. They told us it couldn't be treated. She wasn't fit enough for chemo. We didn't ask how long she had. I optimistically thought she'd fight for a couple of years. 

    She then took a sudden turn for the worst in April with a breathing trauma of some kind that moved her to the ICU. We all went through roller coaster emotions for 3 weeks until she passed away. 

    The first few days felt pretty surreal. I couldn’t believe she was gone. Couldn’t process it. 7 weeks later, it’s still hard to believe.

    The dreams in the beginning were the worst. Every single night I would have dreams. And they usually involved her being in the hospital, or other scenarios involving breathing problems. Going to bed at night was difficult. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Same thing with mornings. 

    It’s a slow process. I have nights where I don’t have the dreams now. 

    I also thought about all the things my mom would be missing. But somehow I was able to move past those thoughts because ultimately, she was suffering a lot and being here to enjoy certain things would mean she would still have to be suffering. It wouldn’t be a fair trade. 

    I wish you all the best during these painful early days and hope you find some peace soon.

    I also have a day here or there where I don’t cry. 

    Keeping busy is good. Anything to keep the brain occupied. 

  • Offline in reply to Serapine8

    Hi [@Serapine8]‍ ,

     

    Thanks so much for your message. It has certainly made me feel less alone reading your experiences, but also so sad that you had to go through that, and I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you have had to experience. I'm glad that your dreams have subsided a little. I'm still at the stage where I dread sleep a bit (hence why it is almost 3am and I'm still up!) but I'm sure in time the dreams will decrease somewhat. I hope you continue to have nights without the dreams.

    Regarding what our parents will miss out on, I hadn't thought about it your way before and I'm very glad to hear you have been able to move past those thoughts, and it gives me hope I may be able to too at some point. 

    Once again thanks so much for your reply, it has certainly helped me to hear from someone who understands the pain, as my partner has not lost a parent nor have any of my close friends. Although they are very supportive they can't understand what I am going through. I wish you all the best in your journey and I hope you too find peace. X 

  • Offline in reply to MissE

    Thank you MissE. Best of luck going back to work. I hope that it proves to be helpful and not too stressful.

    All the best.

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    Hi we have a similar story, my fit & healthy amazing Dad passed away a few weeks ago after a very recent kidney cancer diagnosis. Feel absolutely lost without him he did so much to help me & his grandchildren I feel so bad for them 

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