Hi Paige, 

Thank you so much for your support. 

I feel like at times it gets harder, for the past week or so I feel like I am just crumbling, I've been flicking through Photos of my nan before she was diagnosed when she was her usual self the way I was used to her.. I try not to spend too much time with the photos but I feel like I am bottling it in, I've been crying and feeling my heart break into peices and I just don't want to live in a world where my nan is no longer there! I can't stop cruing it hurts so much, we lived together for all my life, she was my everything, and was always there for me.. she was the strongest and bravest woman I have ever know.. but sadly she couldn't beat cancer  

Sorry to hear that Jack x

Hi paige I've just seen your comment about your nan, I no it was last yr but I've just recently lost my nan too I was really close to her she's been like my mum, I stayed with her for nights until she passed, she didn't have cancer though she had pneumonia but how you described how she died gasping for breath and gargling b4 she died is exactly how my nan died, its really affected me, she was on morphine and madasalan but now and again she kept comin to and she'd look at me and and she tried to talk, it was hard to always tell what she said but I heard her at one point say 'can't breathe' the suffering was horrendous to watch and made me feel psychically ill. I love and miss her so much but I just feel tremendous guilt since she passed incase I didn't do enough for her and the way she suffered broke my heart, it's hard being here without her she was my guardian angel and now I feel I have no one without her

Hi Vonnie,

Yes I hear you, it breaks your heart seeing them like that and feeling helpless that there is nothing you can do. Everytime I saw her she'd either get a tiny bit better but gradually as weeks went on she deteriorated quickly as the cancer spread.  I remember so vividly us all round her bed side just stroking her hair and hands as she was just unconscious (hours away from passing) at that point. It happens to the people we love most and we wish we could take it away from them but we can't and we lose our most treasured people. As I've said above though, all depends on what you believe but I don't think they completely leave us, if you take any comfort in that. I've had my signs to tell me so. 
 

Please do not blame yourself, you did all you could by being there. I can relate I'm sure to how much you're hurting. Nans are some of the greatest beings we ever get the pleasure of having in our lives. I would say please take pride in the fact that she was a part of your life and your story and you had and loved her and will always love her. If you want to contact me privately if you need someone to speak to please please do I'd be so happy to talk to you. There's been some nights where I've done nothing but cry in disbelief that I can't see her physically anymore or felt guilty that I didn't see her more than I did.

Take care x

If any of you see this I hope you're all doing okay.

i just wanted to write this as it's a Saturday night a year and a half after my nan passed and I'm sitting here in floods of tears just watching a video where she's in the background on the phone. You forget how much you miss even the most mundane things about them and it hits you like a tonne of bricks. If anyone does see this I want you to know that these moments are so normal and grief will creep up on you- it doesn't make you weak. It just means you loved them like a part of you and always will. 
 

take care all xx