I lost my mum in november 2017 to pancreatic cancer, just over a month after her diagognis. 

It has been so hard without mum around, I still look for her everyday, even though she didn't live here but really enjoyed her visits when she stayed over. She stayed with me in October and told me then she knew she wouldn't survive this and that she is proud of me. I was there for her, guiding her as she went to sleep, and even helped carry her into the church. I miss the hour long phone calls, her being there for me, we were on the same wave length she just got me and understood me, we think alike so much. She was my best friend.

It has been 7 months since that day, how I got this far I do not know. I've had a (Very real) dream of mum since her passing where I told her how much I miss her and hugged her close and her telling me she is ok now. Yes I know shes not suffering now but I just can't accept it, it hurts so damned much.

My sister tells me to try and get myself back together and move forward and live as that would be what mum would want and I know thats what mum would want. But I just feel so lost without her. I find it hard visiting her grave site, I remember her saying to me, don't forget about me, which I will never do, but visiting her resting site just rips me to pieces. It's about an hour away for me from my home so I can't get out there often, but it just cuts me up everytime and I find myself sat there saying "you shouldn't be here, you should be alive and kicking and enjoying time with us and her grandchild". Cancer is so cruel.

I go through each day as it comes, it just feels like mum has gone on a long holiday but I just can't get ahold of and when I want to hear her voice I call her mobile as mum left her own voice recorded message or I watch some family videos.

But on top of all this I lost my dad a couple of months before mum, so not only losing my mum (Nov 2017), & dad (July 2017), I lost my best friend (Dec 2017) and 2 Uncles, 1 in September 2017 and 1 in May 2018. My Uncles also were lost to cancer.

There are days when it just feels all too much, but I try get through it. I suffer with anxiety and depression myself so I try watch myself before I fall into that black pit. I get nights where I just can't sleep and when I go past places where we used to visit as kids or used to live I feel a huge pang of loss and think alot of the past. I still feel shocked, lost, confused over it all. Mum was only 58 and was really looking forward to Christmas as it is her favourite time of year, but was denied reaching it.

I can't accept it . . I won't accept it. I miss her so much!