I never thought I'd lose my wonderful mother. But here we are. I somehow managed to hold it together today for the funeral. The reverend strongly encouraged me to deliver a eulogy. I knew I couldn't do it alone, so I had my boyfriend stand there with me. Sure enought I got one sentence out before choking up. I managed to contribute a few bits later at least. 

I don't know why it was so important to me not to cry. People cry at funerals all the time. Especially for your mother. But I just really don't like crying in front of people. Unless it's my boyfriend, and even then, I mostly try to cry alone. I don't know why it matters, but it was somehow important for me to hold it together. 

I at least feel really pleased at how the funeral went. It was so in keeping with her spirit. The reverend even had me play some of my moms favourite jazz music on my blue tooth speaker. It really made it feel like my mother was there with us, grooving to the tunes. 

The few days leading to her death, and the few days after were horrific. I was crying uncontrollably a lot. I feel like I still cry at night when it sinks in that she's gone, and when I wake up there's such a heavy sadness. Most of the time it doesn't feel like she is gone though. It still feels a bit abstract. It still hasn't fully sunk in, despite having just been to her funeral. She has been gone a week now.

I've been incredibly lucky that I have had a lot of peple reach out to me with flowers, cards and kind words. It has really cushioned the fall. But I am a bit worried about what my life will be like from now on. No one will be sending any more flowers or kind words. Everyone has said their kind words, and paid their respects. But I'm still here, living with my loss. And I worry that as each day passes I will in fact miss her more, because inevitably things will happen that I will want to tell her about. And I'll never be able to talk to her again. I've never been through this kind of loss. It's just incredibly painful.