I am finding things really tough at the moment I lost my mum on the 14th December 2017 due to skin cancer that had spread to lungs and brain she fought for  7 years she was told her diagnosis was terminal and she did try the immunotherapy but still the cancer marched on  and she died in a hospice  During this time was sister was diagnosed with a parotid cancer she under went  aggressive treatment but in jan 2017 after having a cough for a few weeks we were told it had spread to lungs and pelvis again radiotherapy and chemo were given with mixed results in Dec the consultant told us to enjoy every moment and this may be her last xmas  and told us to live life to the full we were given the ok to travel we managed to get to Tenerife for 1 weekat the end of jan come the end of Feb you could see she had deteriorated but we thought it was just an infection she spent 10 days in hospital due to chest infection but it had effected her lung function and when she came home she needed oxygen and a bed in the living room but she was home (wed) on the fri we took her to the theatre to see evita and had an amazing time the sat and sun she slept loads we assumed this was due to the diamorphine dose being to high this was reduced but the pain increased on the wed she was in immense pain and we still thought it was due to her meds being right but the Macmillan nurse told me this was the cancer and told us to say our good byes but  it wasn’t her time yet the nurse said to me something is stopping her wen we got to the friday I was convinced she would last the weekend as my brother was 50 on the sat I sent him home and me and the hospice nurse settled in for the night but I woke around 2:40 and asked how my sis was she said her breathing had changed but that didn’t really mean anything as it could be like that for days however 5 mins later she told me to hold her hand as she was getting weaker I phoned my brother but a few minutes later she was gone I am glad I cared for her at home and pleased she was in no pain when she passed but I am struggling I have cared for them both for 3 years I am so alone and everyday a struggle  I no it’s early days but I have lost my purpose or role I thought I would be so much stronger than I am I cry at the silliest thing and I hate being this way loosing them both has broke me I just needed to put my feelings out there x