In January of 2016 my father was diagnosed with tongue cancer he was a smoker for a number of years.  I remember going home to Montreal when he started chemo therapy and radiation treatment and I was scared beyond belief about seeing tubes and my dad in a bad condition going through a horrible disease.  I remember sleeping in the hospital and just thinking about how bad the feeling must be as I can never imagine what cancer feels like.  In january 2017 my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and he was more scared than anything.  I remember watching him eat and the quality of life he had of not being able to eat or drink water without pain was excruciating.  I asked my dad one day what does cancer feel like and he told me he feels like everytime he made a fist he felt the sharpness of pain of his bones cracking and not being able to move easily anymore.  In March he had his right lung two lobs removed and was in a weap place.  I went to Mexico with my girlfriend at the time now my ex girlfriend and she commented that my dad deserved to have cancer after cheating on my mom which he never cheated on my mom.  After I returned from Mexico I called up my sister and dad and he was scared and crying on the phone.  He did not want to die.  A week later on April 20 I spoke to my sister and he was diagnosed with bone cancer.  My father died 12 hours later.  I was living in Vancouver BC he was in Montreal.  

For some reason I brought my girlfriend at the time Carmen to my dads funeral and she insulted my family and friends.  I admit that I lied compulsively about myself for many months to her as I did not want to admit to my faults as a human being and I was scared to be accepted by her and her family.  She broke up with me a month after my dad died.  I tried getting her back and avoid what she said about my dad and I was put in jail twice.  She was so selfish and a narcissist to understand how hard grief is and stress that comes with it that all i wanted was support but she did not want to provide it.

I regret everyday I met my ex girlfriend Carmen and I wish I went home for my fathers before he died and i constantly feel in a loop of terror of not being able to move on from my dads death, his dogs death, my friends death, my break up, and another death recently that are causing so much ptsd and depression.