This is hard for me but I will do my best to articulate how I feel.

In February I lost my mum, from diagnose to passing was 16 months. When it comes to her death I am obviously struggling but I am dealing with it but that’s not what this post is about. 

I have never feared cancer really, even from before mum got it. It’s been in the family for a while. Different members of the family have been diagnosed over the years and we have fought it and won/lost. 

My wife lost her mum when she was 16 and she worries now and again but is overly accepting with it all. She was my rock during all of this but I had a very strong attitude towards it. I have always had the attitude of if it happens we will fight it and that’s it. No point in worrying until it happens and that’s what I was like with mum. 

Before she got the diagnosis I was positive and supportive, obviously wishing that it wasn’t cancer. We had the diagnosis on my birthday (great present) and again I was strong and positive that we would fight it. A little over a year on and we get the news that there isn’t really anything that they can do now. The cancer has gone too far and because of the infections she was getting due to the chemo they couldn’t risk any more.

So me being the strong positive son kept up the positive attitude and said ok we will find another way, as long as we keep fighting we will be fine. They gave her a year after all, plenty of time to talk about things and get through it.  A week later we were told 3 months cause of a perforation in her bowel. A week later we were told 2 weeks.

My sister and I then spent 2 weeks in hospital without leaving watching her slowly fade away. If I am being honest I don’t know how I feel about the death. I still feel numb and probably haven’t really dealt with it. Even after the funeral etc I just feel nothing. But like I said that’s not why I am writing this.

I have always been the strong little brother. Dad left and sister is older but has health issues herself. Since then I have always been strong for her and my niece and nephew. Not showing fear, pain or doubt. Always positive and looking for the next treatment/fight to get through.

But since mum has gone I find that my resolve and strength lacking. In front of family I still play the strong son because they need me to be. But I have this fear now of getting it myself. I have always said if it happens to me then we fight, Greg Miller (kinda funny) has always been my inspiration for things like this. He showed strength through his and I hoped I would be the same. But I can’t shake the fear of it, I have multiple dreams about getting the news and not being able to do anything. About how I tell my family and leaving my wife and son behind. I don’t know if it’s because it was my mum or if it was so quick I really don’t know.

I feel like I can’t say anything to them as I have to be that rock, that superman but I really don’t know what to do to get past this.

So that’s why I’m here and that’s why I have rambled on for such a long time. And I am sorry for that. I’m just looking for some advice from people who I would imagine have felt the same.