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I lost my dad last night

MrsLChap97
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My dad has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer for one year and one month. By the time we forced him to go the doctors, it was already too late to do anything and was terminal.

He is the strongest man I know, with an iron rod will which kept him alive. 

4 weeks ago he went into a hospice and fought so hard, despite what everyone thought he carried on. Last night his breathing changed, mum called me from the hospice and I spoke to him over the phone on speaker. I told him about my day, I told him I loved him so much, I told him I would come and see him soon, that he must be tired so needs to try and rest. Then I said goodnight. He passed 30 monutes later but mum said he heard me because he tried to talk but couldn't. I had seen him that day and he tried to talk so much. 

 

There is so much more I can say about Thursday day and the loss of him last night. My husband says I went into shock but I think there is something wrong with me because today I feel like it is not real. Despite being with mum today and knowing he IS gone...Part of me really isn't accepting it. Genuinely just feel like I will see him in a few weeks and he will be battling on like he always does. I am not delusional because I know I won't but I really can't seem to process the reality of it AT ALL. 

I cried today when others got emotional and a fee times myself but I feel..I can't describe how I feel. 

Internet says denial but does it not mean I am just a broken person? I feel like I can't remember his voice or his eyes already, I have not told anyone bar two people and that is it. I have a sheer panic at the thought of friends etc knowing. The thought of all thr texts and messages makes me feel anxious, I don't want it, I don't want any of it.

 

Why is cancer so evil. Why did I know it before but I was so naive because it isn't just evil, its insidious and removes you piece by piece. Till your body can no longer fight it anymore, when it has tried SO hard to keep you alive but it is a battle it can't win

 

I am sorry for huge post and ramblings but I would rather talk to people like this than be surrounded by people. 

 

laura xx

  • Offline in reply to szabox

    Szabox i hope you to have people around you, i cried again last night and I will most of today when this will stop i just dont know. I too cant understand why your mum went that fast like mine  the only comfort i get from that is that she could of suffered alot longer and that she didnt have some doctor telling her she had a certain amount of time to go. I never in a million years thought that i would see my beautiful mother look so bad. It tore me apart ,how old are you im 43 and i feel so emotional and the pain is horrendous, im hoping that when you say your mum was walking around just like mine you too will hopefully feel the same as it was quick. My mum wanted a week in acarborough i promised i would take her we never got there i will always feel guilty but when my mum told me three weeks ago i had time off work to look after her thank god i did her last few weeks would of been so much worse how I miss her and I hope we both get over this i know just what you are going through xxxxx

  • Offline in reply to Jaw54
    I’m 45 so we are not worlds apart and both too young to have lost our mums. It’s a blessing the end was quick but also such a shock ! My mum couldn’t communicate the last 4 days , we just counted every breath and waited for them to stop. It was horrific and has stayed etched in my mind . Someone did something very kind for me a week ago - my mum adored elephants and this lady made one out of mums favourite jacket and then sprayed her perfume on it . It has made me cry buckets but it’s like having her right next to me . Just know someone else is feeling just like you and keep in touch xxx
  • Offline in reply to szabox

    That sounds like a lovely thing for someone to do, i will keep you posted and thanks for the reply xxxx

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    I’m so sorry about your dad. My mum died nearly 3 weeks ago and it’s been the hardest thing to deal with, much harder than I thought. You must lean on friends and family, cry when you need to but also find time to look at old pictures if happy times and remember him that way. I’ve started putting things into a memory box . I’m also meeting up with a couple of mum’s friends as I need to feel close to her on some way. Take care xxxx

  • Offline in reply to Jaw54

    Your post said exactly how I feel. Mum died suddenly on Wed 7th March and I just can’t cope with it. I was in her house today as I needed to check it’s still real and not a nightmare. I picked up a few of her things and brought them home to feel closer to her. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. 

  • Offline in reply to Heyjude

    Bless you i have tried to be strong today that was after spending half the morning asleep so i wasnt thinking about her ,then i had to get myself together as that to hurt just doing nothing, i have to cope, i need to go to her flat and these things are going to kill me i really hope your OK and we will have to get through, i have a daughter so i need to be there for her x 

  • Offline in reply to Jaw54
    Hi. Do you have someone you can go with? I have a sister so we went together. I don’t think she is finding this as difficult as me. She went back to work after a week whereas I’ve been off for 3 weeks and got a line from the doctor today for another 2 weeks. I have a daughter too-she’s 5 and without her I probably wouldn’t get out of bed. Did I see from a post that you are 43? I am 44, but feel like such a child.
  • Offline in reply to Heyjude

    I feel exactly the same ! 45 and I feel lost like a child . I guess we lose our roots when a parent dies? It makes me feel insecure. My mum was on my side fought my corner , even if it meant telling me gently afterwards that she could see both sides! Mums are our rocks! I have 5 children mostly grown up now but I hope I am theirs too . They would come to mums grave with me but I can’t see her name in writing on a stone it’s just too real for me right now . So I talk to the daffodils and she sends ma a rainbow her favourite things . 

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    I am afraid that when my dad passes I won't be able to remember the good times with him. At least you didn't see him pass because that could have left an image in your mind you don't want there. My suggestion would be putting up pictures of your dad or if you have any home videos to watch them. Our brains don't always work the way we want them to in times like these. Just know that your dad is always with you and he'll be watching over oyu to make sure you're taken care of. xx

  • Offline in reply to Heyjude

    Yes i do have my brothers and dad who is mums ex who incidentally still loves her i still don't think it's hit me to be honest I just don't believe she has gone still . I started writing this and broke down again just hope it gets easier xxx

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