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Mum lost the battle

Xxmichaela28xx
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So I first posted a week after finding out my mum had cancer and I havnt posted again until now.  She was diagnosed 29/12/16 and she died 09/01/18 after a horrendous battle.  During her battle we also lost my nan (mums mum) to Cancer, she died on the 02/01/18 exactly a week before Mum! (Not the best start to the year).

 

She has been gone just over two months now and i still don’t think it’s hit.  I miss her so much, I constantly look at her Facebook and listen to voicemails stored on my phone but I’m not sure if this is making things worse!  I’m 30 next week and I can’t believe i won’t get to share my birthday with my mum.  I know some people have had even less time with there parents, so at least I got 29 years eh! 

 

I have had good days and bad days since her passing but Im scared il never be fully happy again.. her death was the worst thing I’ve ever been through and i feel it has changed me as a person.  I have been thinking about moving abroad to try start a fresh but not sure if this will help.. some say I’m prolonging the grief?? 

 

I just don’t know what to do.. I need to stay strong and happy for my two children but sometimes all I want to do is cry and be sad!’ 

 

I’m still very angry about how Mum was treated and can’t believe they couldn’t save her! She was a strong woman and her death was so slow as her organs (mainly heart) were so strong! Watching her last few days of life was traumatising it seemed to go on forever.  

 

I miss her so much and can’t really talk to anyone so here’s why I’m offloading on here! 

 

Anyway if anyone can relate it would be nice to hear how you manage and cope with the huge loss? 

 

Thanks xxxx

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    Hello Michaela; welcome to this forum where many people will understand what you are telling us.  Nothing in life prepares you for the loss of a parent; you are thrown into the situation and even when you know there is a terminal diagnosis when it happens it is still horrendous.  Everyone grieves in their own way and the only thing that makes the ultimate difference is time.  Be kind to yourself; do whatever helps you.  After my mum died of cancer - some years ago now - I kept a few things that meant a lot to me and took a bit of time to "talk" to my mum in that special space, even writing notes to her and setting fire to them by a candle thus (in my mind) sending them up to her.  Doesn't matter how daft the things you do seem to other people - if it helps you then do it.  I am not sure that moving abroad would help you - in fact it is probably better not to make big decisions while you are so upset.  And the extra sadness of losing your nan is doubtless adding to your distress. 

    I hope others will tell you about how they are coping.  Please do keep coming back here if you would like to let us know how things are going for you.  Annie

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    Hi Xxmichaela28xx,

    I just wanted to stop by to pass on our heartfelt condolences on the loss of your mum and your nan. What a difficult time for you and your family.

    I'm glad you've come back to share your news and find support here, and I can see our AnnieLiz has already written a lovely reply. 

    You may also find the information on our website about coping with grief helpful - there really is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve, as many people here will be able to testify. 

    I do hope you're able to find some comfort on the forum; please feel free to offload whenever you need to.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Helen
    Cancer Chat moderator

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    Hello Michaela My mum passed away 5 weeks a go aged 58 after battling cancer for just over 2 years, I too found it unbearable watching my mum fade away so quickly. I am finding it so hard without having my mum, I feel very alone, even though I have a large family who are very supportive. Mother’s Day was very hard for me to, I’m sure every birthday, anniversary or Christmas will never be the same now. I find the only comfort is visiting her grave regularly so I feel I’m with her, I know it’s very early days for you and me, but I’m just struggling to imagine my life without her. I’m just taking one day at a time, and am trying to keep busy and trying to focus on the lovely times I had with her and just reminding myself that she’s no longer in pain x Take care Becca
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    Hi Michaela, I’m very sorry to read this. Shock, grief and despair are all very exhausting emotions to go through, especially while trying to maintain a positive front for your children. I’m a believer it never truley goes away, but time does mute some of the shock and allow for more of life’s living distractions to take over. This is pretty much the key: distractions. Don’t look too far ahead at the negative aspects of missing out on her presence. Try to handle your daily emotions and allow for your life to move on. You won’t forget her and you can strengthen yourself talking about her in time and or with practice talking about her. If you get emotional, this is okay, you’re human. I’ve cried in front of bosses, which people frown upon, but he was actually very helpful. If you overcome the tears, your love will not be questioned either. Most importantly just try not to lose out on your own life, maybe even do things for your mom even if she’s not alive to enjoy it. Take a class, learn a skill, visit her grave, whatever is custom to you and her. Hope this helps and hugs.

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