Hello dear angelpink and welcome to this forum.  Too many of us have had this heartbreaking experience and many people here will know how you are feeling.  Even when we know logically that the end is coming it is only when it happens that we find ourselves faced with the frightening finality.  I am pleased you are getting support from your family and friends; do accept any help offered.  And don't look too far into the future as it is too awful to contemplate at this time.  You may find it helpful to talk to Cruse Bereavement Care on 0808 808 1677 although there may be a wait to speak to a counsellor - I have emailed them to ask about the situation and will report back to the forum.  There are good reports of their work so I expect they are well-used.  Best wishes.  Annie

Thank you Annieliz,I’ve had counelling at the Annie centre and will continue with that,everyday is bad but the weekends are especially difficult for me  with weather being so bad and not being able to get out as much is frustrating ......I’m absolutely heartbroken he was the love of my life my best friend I can’t believe he’s gone.

Hi angelpink

Understand your pain. Lost my hubby to cancer (he was nearly 63) a while ago. It hurts and leaves a gaping void.  As Annie has said keep up with all the support networks that you feel you need.  I was under the 'care' of my GP (her suggestion) for nearly 18 mths and this forum has kept me going day to day.  It is very much a personal journey but being able to chat with like-minded folk helped me to function.  Like you I had wonderful family and friends but know they were also grieving this loss so I tended to put on the brave face to the outside world.  Crying is a release and for you it is still such early days and a very quick loss following diagnosis.

Just sending virtual hugs and hope the forum helps a little.

Jules54 

Hi jules54

thankyou this is exactly what I need right now people going though the same experience or having been though it and understanding how it feels,people do think I’m coping that’s the perception I’m giving when I’m in their company or on the phone when in reality I’m a mess.

Dear angelpink.

I truly know how you feel. My husband and I were hit by a drunk driver. My husband of 23 years was killed instantly and I was badly injured. he was 49 and I was 47 years old. I woke up in the hospital and kept asking about him and was finally told that he didn’t make it. I was beyond devastated. I cried and begged God for it to not be true. The pain I felt was unbearable. It never went away. I went back to work within two or three weeks because I couldn’t stand being alone at home. My 17nyear old daughter left for university 4 weeks after he died. I was immeasurably lost. I had many broken bones but could still sit on a pillow for a couple of hours so getting out of the house helped. Once the pain became too much I was back in bed at home. No one can truly understand your pain unless they too have been through it. That makes one feel so very alone. I too am unfortunately very familiar with cancer. I have two daughters. One I am estranged with and the other my precious 27 year old died 45 days ago after suffering mightily with colon cancer for three years. Once again I have been buried in unspeakable pain and anguish. feeling as if you have no purpose is very normal. Thinking that your life will never be ok is normal as well. It truly is a frightening place. My message to you is that despite the current horror, it does, with time get better. Your sadness and loneliness will abate. It does take a long time and at points seems impossible. I get that. I saw a grief therapist once a week for several months, then every two weeks for a couple of years. That really helped. I also attended grief group sessions which helped and bought and read as many books on how to survive such a terrible trauma as that grief. I am heavily into them again as my life has been imploded by the death of my child. I cry as if I’ll never be ok, but deep in my heart I know I will at some point because I’ve survived this once already. Please knock that talking to someone who really gets it helps enormously. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk. I wish you peace and recovery from an awful, excruciating place..that which you are in now..but not forever.

Hello KGay and thank you so much for coming to this forum.  Like - I am sure - other readers I was horrified by what you had been through but so impressed by your kindness in wanting to speak to others who have suffered and who are suffering.  Thank you again.  Annie

So sorry for your loss xx

Hi kgay516,

I have a son aged 27yrs I can’t imagine what that’s like to lose a child my deepest sympathies to you at this terrible time and my heart goes out to you having to go through the grief process again after losing your husband so tragically I walk round the local loch in the snow and ice yesterday with a friend and for a short while it helped clear my mind of the drudgery the constant thoughts of despare denial sadness and utter loneliness then all to soon it was back to reality crying myself to sleep waking up and the first thought of the day as always is that maybe it’s all been a bad dream a nightmare and I’d be given a second chance to live my old life the life I’d give anything to have back ..... every morning it’s still a shock it’s like Groundhog Day, having to adapt might take a while for I’m so very lost but I’m sure one day I’ll get there eventually.

Writing this has helped and reading other people’s experiences and getting responses from people like yourself who are willing to give comfort to others when their own world is in turmoil has proved a godsend.

thankyou

Thankyou Beee x

Hi angelpink

I see that you were out walking with a friend and I found walking quite therapeutic(always been a walker as I dont drive) and that is a baby step in itself. I used to find every 'first' difficult but made myself do these things because I did not like the thought of the alternative (being alone indoors). Timescales for grief seem so different even for our own family members and when the death is more sudden I think the 'shock' is so much greater and it is like you have to come through that before the grieiving process can continue.

It took me a while but I then found I could cry in front of family and good friends.  In fact we could cry and hug together and there was some relief in this. I also find writing on this forum bought some release.Just seeing my true feelings written down (I had a friend who wrote her feelings down to re-read to help her understand herself) bought some form of acceptance. I found an activity I had never done before (at the age of 60 I began going to a ladies only gym!!) which helped me re-connect socially outside my 'safe group of friends'. After nearly a year I set myself mini projects to complete and am still doing that.

Nothing can replace a lost soulmate/best friend but three years forward I feel I am managing and know my hubby would be pleased for me and my children think I am stronger (I am not sure I agree!!). Grief has taught me that life is precious and so I am trying to live mine even though it is not the one I wanted.

Sorry for the ramble.   I too need to get through today (off to work shortly) as my bathroom is being ripped out and it will be another emotional  project (hubby put in the current one) completed..

Take care of  yourself and hope the last of your snow will soon give way to Spring weather, making walking easier.  Jules