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Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

sibruv18
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Hi, 

I have been with my beautiful wife for 30 years, and we have 3 beautiful teenage daughters.

My wife has been fighting breast cancer since 2009, with numerous Chemotherapies, natural rememdies, surgery and radiotheraphy - after 4/5 years she was in reammission, and then 9 months later in 2015 it came back harder and faster - she has daily lung drains, and was put on various chemotheraphy drugs and in April 2017 she was deemed stage 4 as it had spread to her spine, liver, kidney, both breasts, neck etc - We thought the worse.

I took 9 months off from work to care for my wife, and in that time I studied Chemotherapy treatments, wrote to Pharmecetical firms, and went through weekly blood results in order to do anything I could to save my beloved wifes life.

With my research I was also able to push the Oncologists and talk to them on a 1-2-1 level (even my wife said it was like 2 Oncologists where in the room !) - and I was the one who discovered why my wife had rejected the Chemotherapy in the first place due to her Albumin levels where very low.

Armed with Blood results every week, checking white cells, B12, Albumin I was able to tailor my wifes diet and she was able to have the chemotheraphy week on week.

Working together we managed to keep her alive for another 9 months, however sadly it caught up with her and she died in December 2017 just after Christmas.

Althought this is still very raw, I miss her every day, and have 3-4 breakdowns a day, constant crying, longing, and yearning for my wife - I wear her perfume and jewellery and still sleep with her dressing gown and have kept the house exactly as she left it so ther are no changes "when she returns home"

In 30 years we were together, we were only away from each other for 2 weeks, and we were more than Husband and Wife, she was my soul mate, best friend, we were a unit, we held hands, told each other we loved each other everyday, and I wanted no one else - she was my everything and the only thing in my life I was ever afraid of losing.

I still cry in pain that this could happen to someone so beautiful, and I have had the phases of grief doubt, and anger.

I hate the cliches, "be strong for the children" but how can I when I am not strong for myself, and the girls are teenagers, they are in their rooms talking to their friends, or boyfriends, and I am left on my own - the girls will grow up and I will walk the rest of my time on this earth without my beloved.

I particularly like the "it will get better after the funeral" this I can tell you is ********* ! it has got worse - I have more crying breakdowns, even when I go to places that me and my wife visited I hyper ventilate and freeze on the spot.

Yes I have couselling, but everyday the pain intesifies as does the emptiness and hollowness inside.

I am told I did all I could for my beautiful wife, and I would give everything I own just to have her back with me again.

I wanted to share my story, with others and I read a statistic once that said "75 men a day under the age of 50 are made widowers" and now I am in that statistic.

I am finding it hard to cope everyday, and it feels like my head is caving in with all the tears and emotions - I assume I am not alone

Simon 

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    I am finding it hard to cope everyday, and it feels like my head is caving in with all the tears and emotions - I assume I am not alone

    No Simon, you're not alone at all. I came home from work today and cried for nearly 2 hours, after putting on a brave face the whole day.

    I do know how you feel, and no, you're not alone.

    Big hugs

    Jeannie x

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    Hi Simon, I understand how you feel, what you wrote about your beloved wife is everything that I feel about my husband. I never imagined how painful it would, it physically hurts to the core. I struggle daily trying to accept that he is no longer here. My husband was diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer ALK in 2014 and he passed in February this year. I always thought I'd be prepared but no time is ever enough or words that we said to each other is enough. I feel so empty and loss when I think of my future without him. Everyone tells me to be strong for our two teenage kids and I try so hard to get back to our normal life. I put on a brave face everyday for them, famlies and friends as I don't want them to worry. I find myself crying often when I'm alone and breaking down in the shower where no one can hear me. I comfort myself by telling myself that he is no longer in pain but I still long for him to be here with me. In the last 3 months of his life we were together every single day adn night...I never left his side...

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    Dear Simon, my heart goes out to you. My beloved husband died from pancreatic cancer on Feb 25th, his funeral was march 15, so less than a week ago. Wed been married 44 years and known each other for almost 46 years. We have 2 grown up children and grandchildren, but they too are broken hearted.  The pain and emptiness is too great too describe. Nothing means anything anymore. What's the point in anything? It seems to me We're in a club that no one wants to be a member of. Please look after yourself Simon, unfortunately many people on this site are experiencing the same dreadful loss as you.  Our daughter whos 38, says that life without her dad is ***. She's not wrong !! Take care.

  • Offline in reply to smt352

    Hello smt352. 

    As you will see my name is Gord and I lost my wife to cancer. We had been married for 44years and known one another for 46 years. I was 19 years old when we married and my wife was 20 years old. I am like you now broken in two. I looked for miracles everyday, but it wasn't to be and my wife passed away on the 20th December 2018. I had looked after and cared for my wife for two years at home.

    I am totally lost now and have thought about ending things and then think my wife would not like me to do that. The pain is excruciating and doesn't stop as you know. Life for me has stopped now and I just go through the motions day to day like you and think what's the point now. 

    I go to counselling and find it helps while I'm there but you still come home to an empty house. I am truly sorry for your loss and yes we are all in a club we don't want to be in. Please try and take care of yourself however it's easier said than done. Love. Gord.

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    Hi again Simon. 

    I am just writing you again like others on this site to offer you moral support if you can call it that. I have a feeling you will still be very lost in your life now, as I am. Words from people, even me does not really help however all we can do for each other is try. I don't know if you have a Clan well being centre where  you live. It's like Cruse bereavement but you can just walk into one of their centres and talk or sit there. Whatever you want to do. I usually go and talk with a professional counsellor which costs you nothing. It may be of help to you Simon,  I don't know. Your life like mine and others has been devastated and totally changed, through no one's fault, but CANCER. You look for all the ifs and buts, I have guilt and regrets, and most days feel like what's the point. My life and everybody else's on this site changed the day our wives passed away. I hope this letter let's you know we are all still here in a club not one of us wanted to be in.  Thinking of you. Gord. 

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    Dear Simon.

    My heart goes out to you..Believe it or not you are describing exactly how I feel. My husband, best friend, my soulmate died of bladder cancer in December past. I looked after him until the end, and although I know I could not have done any more, I still feel guilt. Im so lonely and sad. People rallied to be supportive, but now if anyone sees me crying..they ask whats wrong..like I should be over it by now. 

    He was cremated, that was his wish. His ashes are still with me, I feel content with that at the minute, however I am being pressured by his "friends" (people I have never met) to bury him so they can visit his grave...I am struggling to hold it together without this interference 

    Love, Gillian

     

     

  • Offline in reply to MissGillian

    Hello Gillian. Very sorry for your loss. I looked after my wife till the end of her life and by that time she was skin and bones. It was horrendous caring for and watching her slowly fading away. Please do not be pressurised in any way to do anything you don't want to do with your husbands ashes, or his belongings. His " friends " will soon stop visiting a grave and then you might have even more guilt and regrets about doing something that wasn't your plan. I have my wife's ashes with me in a Willow casket sitting on the couch beside me, and when my time comes, I will go in there and we will be scattered together. 

    People think they know what's best for us by saying stupid thing but only to make them feel good. However I have stopped listening and will decide myself on my life which I hope you will do for your life. There is no words I can say to you to make it easier as words won't bring your husband or my wife back to us. Please just know that all of us on this site are thinking of your heartbreak and so much loss in your life. Gord.

  • Offline in reply to MissGillian

    Gillian, your need to keep him near is all that matters. I'd say stuff em, they've not got your best interests at heart

  • Offline in reply to topcatturner
    Gord - thank you, yes I am still very lost and for some reason the last few weeks have been the worse. The counsellor puts it down to the fact that reality is kicking in now, and my beloved wife is not returning. I have counselling now twice a week, my GP called me in as he was concerned about my well-being and he also persuaded me to check out CRUS and they have been very helpful as well. My life has changed, my wife was my best friend and my very fabric - she made me a better person for the 30 years we were together, and I miss her every second of every day - She was also a fantastic mum, and I have to bring up 3 teenage daughters whilst still maintaining some normality and dealing with "teenage girl issues", whilst also sorting out the house, chores etc and work - it's no mean feat, and although I was caring for my wife for most of last year, she has instilled in me the notion to "get up and get on with it" and I have her ringing in my ear every day with every decision I make. (When I say ringing in my ear, in a good way - as I never ever dissed my wife even if we argued !) I have set a goal now to carry on and "do right by her" and that means sorting out the hospital, getting her memorials installed, painting the house, doing the garden etc (my wife before she passed made notes about her funeral, and also a list of all paint colours in the house as I never chose colours !) she was very methodical, but I know she is alive in me and the children. The hardest part is that it is now been 3 months, and the phone has stopped ringing - yes I have a small close circle of friends, but when you are breaking down, crying, and calling out for her its usually when your alone - and my heart is broken - I have no real purpose in life, and what I mean by that is not the Children, but everyone has plans in life, make money, work, retire - like every couple we did - we wanted to retire and spend time together, that's all we lived for - and during her service one of her work friends came up to me and she said to me - whenever I went to lunch with your wife, all she would say is "I'm only happiest when I am with Simon...." and that was us for 30 years, just holding hands, being together and being in love - but those plans for the future have gone, their is no "Plan B" and I dread to think I will be alone for the rest of my days on earth without her. It's the emptiness and the pain that is uncontrollable - an example of this is a recent visit to the dentist - I have had constant pain in my mouth/teeth for many years and indeed it was my wife who got me through my fears - When I visited them last week the dentist said to me "Wow has the pain gone away..." I said "No the pain is still there, but to be honest the pain I am feeling inside is worse than the physical pain I have now" that is how I feel, a paper cut, or any physical pain is nothing now since I have lost my beloved. Gillian - I would like to say I am sorry for your lost, but topcatturner is right, stuff them - you are fulfilling your husbands wish - One solution is what we did for my wife. My wife was cremated (she left it to us and we all spoke about it as a family when she was alive) and we always wanted some jewellery commissioned with her ashes, and... a place to visit her grave - so we had her 90-95% of her ashes interned in a cemetery in a plot so me and the girls could visit (and I visit her every week and sit with her on a portable chair and read and talk to her) and I have also ordered a memorial so anyone who wants to visit her can. The rest of her ashes have now been turned into necklaces for me and the girls, and a wrist bracelet so she is always with us. You don't need this interference or the hassle, like us you are grieving - you are fulfilling your husbands wishes, however there is an option to get some or all of the ashes interned in a cemetery like us so people can visit and then they can go and visit, but you do whats right for you no one else. Hope this helps, and I want to say thank you all for reaching out to me - I am struggling, and low, depressed, empty and hollow inside - and I long for the days to see my beautiful wife and hold her in my arms - I miss her dearly, and I write to her every day and keep a journal in the hope she reads them. Thank you Simon x
  • Offline in reply to MissGillian

    Hi Gillian

    My husband recently died  of jaw cancer, we will be organising his funeral soon, he was 53.

    I am totally lost without him, .can you give me advice how do you get on with your life, I keep expecting him to walk through the door.

    Kirsty

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